30 Days of Night (2007)

They're Coming! 

Every year, the small town of Barrie, Alaska, located on the Arctic circle, experiences 30 days of night. During these 30 days, there is no sunlight, only darkness. As the citizens of Barrie prepare for this years 30 days, a strange man infiltrates the town carries out a campaign of sabotage; killing dogs, destroying the only helicopter, and wrecking cell phones.


Meanwhile the town Sheriff, Eben, discovers that his estranged wife, Stella, has missed the last flight out of Barrie and is trapped with him for the next 30 days. As he is coming to terms with the news, he receives a call related to the strangers activities and manages eventually to apprehend him. But it's too late. He has already cleared the way for the monsters whose bidding he blindly does.

A gang of vampires descends upon the peaceful town of Barrie, intent on turning it into their personal smorgasbord. No one is safe and nothing is sacred as the vampires terrorize the town, killing and devouring everyone in their path with terrible viciousness and efficiency. It's up to Eben, Stella, and a small group of townspeople to find a way to stop the nearly invincible vampires, or watch Barrie be turned into a frozen mass grave of corpses and blood-stained snow. 

30 Days of Night did to vampires what 28 Days Later did to zombies. It re-invented them. No longer were vampires slow, stalking, creatures creeping in the shadows. These vampires are fast, loud, powerful, and uncontrollably violent. Plus, they are practically invincible. It's a refreshing new take on an old villain.

The movies itself is great as well. Decent acting throughout. Great scenery, atmosphere, mood. Something about a snowy wasteland of perpetual darkness is pretty creepy to start with. It's a fantastic setting which provides a great backdrop for all kinds of gruesomely awesome scenes. One of the best new horror movies I have seen in the past few years.

5 creepy little vampire girls out of 5
Rated R for strong horror violence and language.

Watch the 30 Days of Night trailer.

Halloween (2007)

Evil has a destiny.

In 1978 John Carpenter brought the world a little movie called Halloween. It helped to blow the budding slasher sub-genre wide open, and was followed by seven mostly decent sequels. But by 2007, the series had petered off with the last of the increasingly pedestrian sequels having been released five years earlier in 2002. Then along came Rob Zombie, and in 2007 and remake was born.

Michael Myers, a troubled young boy from an abusive household, is committed to Smith's Grove psychiatric hospital at ten years of age after murdering his family. Seventeen years later, Michael is now not only fully grown, but actually has become freakishly large and monstrous looking. He has been waiting and now he is ready to make his escape. He heads for his home town of Haddonfield, Illinois, where unsuspecting teenage babysitter Laurie Strode becomes his target for reasons that will later be revealed. Meanwhile his doctor, Dr. Loomis, races to warn the people of Haddonfield, and Laurie, before it's too late. 

While keeping to the same basic plot as the original, Rob Zombie's remake does flesh out several aspects of the plot with more gory details. For example, Michael Myers' murder of his family and his escape from the psychiatric hospital. But there are a number of other changes as well.

As in the original films, Michael Myers is seemingly immortal. But in the remake his is also monstrous in size and possesses super human strength. The remake seems to strive to provide rationale for Michael's development into a deranged serial killer; abusive household etc. This is as opposed to the original which simply explained that he was evil and that was that. On the other hand there is no explanation of how or why he suddenly has super strength and abilities.

In true Rob Zombie fashion, Halloween also brings the gore in epic proportions. The original Halloween was quite violent for its time, and the sequels even more so. But this one has them all beat no questions asked. The extremely graphic violence helps to portray Michael as a particularly vicious monster, but it doesn't make up for whats missing. Namely, suspense and atmosphere. Rob Zombies remake is a slasher film, no doubt there, but it feels like an action movie melded with a torture porn. It is undoubtedly in keeping with the current trend in slasher flicks, but it just doesn't deliver the spooks the same as the original.

When all is said and done I guess they just don't make them like they used to and there's some things you just can't remake.


2 TV's to the face out of 5
Rated R for strong brutal bloody violence and terror throughout, sexual content, graphic nudity and language.


Watch the Halloween trailer.

The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)

A ghoulish tale with wicked humour & stunning animation.

Jack Skellington is the pumpkin king of Halloween Town. Every year he organizes the ghoulish Halloween festivities. He is beloved and renowned by all the residents of Halloween Town, but Jack is getting bored. Every year he does the same thing for Halloween. He yearns for something new, but what?


Then Jack stumbled upon a magic forest with portals to all of the other holiday towns. One in particular catches his eye; Christmas Town. He returns, elated, from his visit to Christmas Town. He is determined to organize Halloween Town to celebrate Christmas this year instead. But Halloween Town may not quite be ready for holiday cheer. Unsurprisingly, Halloween Town's Christmas experiment does not quite go as planned...

What needs to be said about The Nightmare Before Christmas? Not a horror movie, but undoubtedly the most famous horror-themed holiday film. It was in production for three years. Claymation requires an incredible amount of work and time. But in the end it came out as probably one of the most impressive feats of claymation work ever created. This, plus wonderful characters, plot, and songs, make The Nightmare Before Christmas one of the best Christmas movies out there today. Watch this one with the family, save Black Christmas for later.

4.5 Sandy Claws out of 5Rated PG for some scary images.

Watch the Nightmare Before Christmas trailer.

Shutter Island (2010)

Someone is missing.

Teddy Daniels is US Marshall assigned to a missing persons investigation at Shutter Island Ashecliffe Hospital in Boston. This is no ordinary hospital. It's a facility for the violently mentally disturbed. Furthermore, Teddy suspects that there may be more to Shutter Island than meets the eye. He believes there may be unethical experimentation and other illegal practices taking place on the grounds.

Teddy believes he is on the verge of a breakthrough, but he is met with a total lack of cooperation on the part of the hospital staff. Then, a hurricane cuts off communication with the mainland and leads to the escape of many of the potentially dangerous patients.

Soon more strange clues are revealed and, in the confusion, everything is brought into question - right down to Teddy's own sanity and even his identity.

Thirteen years ago, when Leonardo DiCaprio was the pretty-boy star of massive puke-fest of a film, Titanic, it would have been hard to believe that one day it would be possible to praise him and his films. But truth is stranger than fiction, and the truth is that in recent years DiCaprio has been in a bunch of decent films. This is one of them.

Sometimes creepy, sometimes dramatic, always enigmatic, Shutter Island is a masterful tale of mystery which will keep most viewers guessing right up to the end. Indeed, that's what turns what could have easily been a pretty routine movie into something really interesting.

4  plot twists out of 5
Rated R for disturbing violent content, language and some nudity.

Watch the Shutter Island trailer.

Gremlins (1984)

We're Back!

Billy Peltzer has just received the most amazing present for Christmas - a one of a kind furry little creature called a  mogway. He is thrilled with his new pet, which he names Gizmo. But his new pet comes with rules; no water, no food after midnight, and no bright lights. When two of these rules are broken, the adorable little Gizmo releases a gang of little green gremlins bent on violence and mayhem.

After some mischief and mayhem, the gremlins come up against Billy's mom, who manages to kill many of them off in a gory kitchen battle. But the leader, Stripe, escapes and goes for a swim at the YMCA and soon the quaint town is over-run. Meanwhile Billy struggles to convince the authorities of what is going on before it is too late. When the police finally do go to investigate, the gremlins make short work of them. Finally its left to Billy, Gizmo, and Billy's co-worker and love interest, Kate, to take on the gremlins and save whats left of their small town.

Gremlins is not a run of the mill Christmas movie. This is not only because it is a horror-comedy about malicious green monsters causing havoc and, albeit silly, death. Nor is it only because of its complete lack of religious dogma. It's also because it is a biting critique of the rabid consumerism of western capitalist society and how it has subjugated the holiday season to its will. The movie is packed with little shots at the culture of greedy and dangerous over-consumption that is promoted in the countries of the First World. It finished with sharp words on the topic from the Chinese merchant who originally sold Gizmo to Billy's father. He then repossesses the Mogway in order to avoid further carnage.

Not only does the movie have a message, it's funny as well and safe for pretty much the whole family which seems to ensure it lots of rotation on TV during the holidays. Much as Gizmo spawned a horde of Gremlins, Gremlins spawned a horde of copycat movies that tried to play off of its success. Movies like Critters, Ghoulies, and Hobgoblins may have had their moments, but could never live up to Gremlins when all was said and done. Gremlins did, however, lead to one sequel, The New Batch, which was a success despite being highly slap-stick and much lighter than the classic original.


4.5 stair lift accidents out of 5
Rated PG for mild violence and frightening scenes. 

Watch the Gremlins trailer.

Jennifer's Body (2009)

She's evil... and not just high school evil. 

Needy and Jennifer are an unusual couple of best friends. Needy is quiet, reserved, and nerdy. Jennifer, on the other hand, is direct, arrogant, and a cheerleader. But the two high school chums are about to have one more big difference between them; a taste for human beings.

When Needy and Jennifer go to an ill fated rock show, Jennifer ends up leaving with a douchey rock band from "the city". When she shows up at Needy's house later that night she has changed, but Needy isn't sure how or what has happened. Eventually it becomes clear that a series of grisly murders may be linked to her friend. She investigates, only to find out that Jennifer may in fact be possessed by a nasty succubus which forces her to devour human beings to survive.

Jennifer's body does cheesy right. In other words, the do it on purpose. It's obvious that the folks that made this movie had a good sense of humour and went into it with every intention of making a horror movie that wasn't afraid to have fun at the same time. As a result there's not much in this movie that isn't obviously tongue-in-cheek to some extent with lots of cheesy lines, high school cliché's, and shots at pop culture.

This movie has been labeled both as feminist and sexist, depending who you want to believe. It's not overtly political one way or the other. Is it sexist? Not overtly and not compared to a lot of the corporate entertainment we are fed. Is it feminist? Not overtly. But it is a movie about two women, they do talk to each other, and they do talk to each other about something other than a man. How many movies can you think of that fill that criteria? Both the hero and villain are women.The hero is smart, strong, and not dependent on a male character. The villain, maybe not so much. But at the same time, she only becomes a villain because of a group of sexist men who cause her to be possessed by a succubus. All in all I'd say it comes out favourably on the issue for the most part.

Jennifer's Body is a good movie because its got its creepy moments but its also a lot of fun. Word is there may be a sequel in the future. The door is left open for it, but it's hard to imagine how it would continue the original story in a way that is relevant and worth while. Nonetheless, based on the original, if the time comes, I'll be there.

4 human lasagna's out of 5
Rated R for sexuality, bloody violence, language and brief drug use.

Watch the Jennifer's Body trailer.

30 Days of Night: Dark Days (2010)

... makes Twilight look like nursery school.

One year ago, a clan of vampires devastated the small Alaskan town of Barrie during its annual month-long sunset. Now Stella Oleson, a survivor of the rampage, has moved to Los Angeles and is purposely seeking out and attempting to expose the local vampire population in order to exact revenge for the death of her husband, Eben.

Stella's work is cut out for her as she is up against the skepticism of the local population, a government bent of covering up the truth and, of course, the vampires themselves. But she has found others who have also been the victims of the vampires and who are also out for vengeance.

Ultimately, Dark Days is an action movie wherein the bad guys happen to be vampires. The connection to the original is only really through the main character, Stella, and even she is played by a different actor. The vampires themselves just don't seem as menacing and unbeatable as in the original. The fact that they can be moved down by machine gun fire makes them seem a lot more mortal than in 30 Days of Night.

Dark Days totally lacks the creepy atmosphere of the original, which was set in Barrie, Alaska, during a month of darkness and on the backdrop of soon to be blood-drenched snow. This time we find ourselves in Los Angeles. Why on Earth are vampires setting up shop in such a sunny locale? Do they have part-time aspirations as movie stars? It's not exactly as spooky and doesn't make a heck of a lot of sense.

Add on a smaller budget and a weaker plot and you have a sequel that is far from being up to par with 30 Days of Night, which was a really excellent vampire movie. But if you happen to be in the mood for a action-packed shoot 'em up adventure with vampires then I guess you've hit the jackpot. At least it's not Twilight.

2.5 vampire vacation cruises out of 5
Rated R for bloody violence, language and some sexual content.

Watch the Dark Days trailer.

After.Life (2009)

Life is the symptom. Death is the cure.

After suffering a horrible car accident, Anna awakens to find herself at a funeral home under the care of funeral director Elliot Deacon. Confused and disoriented, Anna demands to know where she is, and why. The chilling answer is not what she hoped to hear: she's dead.

Deacon explains that she died in the crash and is transitioning from the land of the living to the after life. Only he has the special ability to communicate with her and others like her. But Anna feels very much alive and doubts Deacon's bizarre story. Nonetheless, in time she begins to accept it and come to terms with this apparent reality. Meanwhile her boyfriend, Paul, also has his doubts. But is he merely suffering from denial and shock, desperately hoping that his love is not really gone?

After.Life is a solid movie. It has the rare quality of actually keeping you guessing as to what is really going on. Is Anna dead? Is she alive? Is Paul simply losing his mind, or is the funeral director a mad and depraved murderer? It's not a movie that follows your standard pattern, and it sure isn't a feel good warm and fuzzy night at the movies. In fact it's depressing as hell. But it's also thought provoking, and a good reminder about the need to make the most out of the life you have while you have it. Plus it's got some creepy scenes thrown in for good measure.

Great performances from the cast, especially the creepy little kid called Jack (Chandler Canterbury), Paul (Justin Long), Deacon (Liam Neeson), and, of course, Anna who is played by the very talented and beautiful Christina Ricci.

Frankly I think they ought to make a cheesy, low budget sequel in which Anna comes back as a zombie and reaps revenge upon all those who have done her wrong. Yeah, yeah... it would have nothing to do with the original and would tarnish its artistic integrity, but it would be a heck of a lot of fun.

4 reasons not to drink and drive out of 5
Rated R for nudity, disturbing images, language and brief sexuality.

Watch the After.Life trailer. 

The Howling (1981)

Imagine your worst fear a reality. 

Karen White is a reporter on a grisly assignment to meet up with a serial killer who is on the loose, and lead police to him. She does so, but suffers memory loss and trauma resulting in frightening and disturbing dreams containing flash backs to her encounter.

She is ordered to take a vacation at a psychiatric colony operated by Dr. George Waggner. Soon Karen begins to fear that the serial killer, Eddie, is still alive and is stalking her at the colony. But the truth turns out to be be even more sinister when she realizes that her vacation spot is located in the middle of a den of werewolves.


The Howling was hailed for its special effects and state-of-the-art make up. It helped to launch a short-lived werewolf trend in the 1980's and came at a time of horror movie resurgence which brought a lot of great movies. Of course by today's standards its a bit cheesy, but I guess maybe it was impressive in its day. The sex scene wherein Karen's husband turns into a werewolf and starts drooling is particularly bad. There's also a scene where a guy turns into a werewolf for what seems like forever, but is actually about two minutes, and his prey just stands there and watches for some reason. It did have it's creepy moments here and there, but it wasn't particularly scary and lacked suspense. The acting was ok, better than a lot of horror movies but not extremely impressive which is sort of how I feel about this movie in general.

2.5 werewolf vacation spots out of 5
Rated R for violence, gore, sexual content, nudity, language.


Watch The Howling trailer.

Slither (2006)

A small town is taken over by an alien plague, turning residents into zombies and all forms of mutant monsters. 

A meteor crash lands in the small town of Wheelsy, USA. Nobody really seems to notice, but everybody is about to wish they had. When Grant has a fight with his wife, Starla, he mopes off to the bar to have a drink and runs in to Brenda, the younger sister of his former girlfriend, who turns out to have a crush on him. The two of them drunkenly stumble into the woods, but Grant decides against cheating on his wife. He is about to head home when he notices something strange. A sort of slimy, egg-like, object is lying in the grass nearby. He pokes it with a stick and is hit by a projectile which shoots from the egg. Grant rushes home, unaware that he is now host to a bizarre alien life form.

With Brenda, Grant spawns hordes of nasty worm-like parasites which take over the bodies of their victims, turning them into flesh-starved zombies. Local sheriff Bill Pardy teams up with Starla in a race against time to save humanity from a very unpleasant fate.

Slither has something for just about everyone. You've got monsters, aliens, AND zombies. It's a sci-fi film, a horror movie, and definitely a dark comedy. It's a truly bizarre and gruesome tale of alien invasion. But the alien life form is sort of a parasite or "conscious disease" as they call it in the movie, which takes over the bodies of humans and animals and turns them into zombies with an unquenchable hunger for meat. The final stage of Grant's transformation into a sort of tentacled meat blob is particularly disgusting.

The movie also has a few other neat little surprises. For one thing there's a zombie deer, which is a first for me. I wondered for a moment if vegans wrote this movie. Jenna Fischer plays a supporting role as a secretary (surprise surprise) who turns into a zombie. Rob Zombie even has a cameo although only as a voice actor. All in all a pretty decent movie.

3.5 cases of lime disease out of 5
Rated R for strong horror violence and gore, and language.

Watch the Slither trailer. 

The Valley of Gwangi (1969)

Cowboys Battle Monsters in the Lost World of Forbidden Valley. 

T.J. Breckenridge is the owner and host of a wild west circus in early 20th century Mexico. Her former boyfriend, Tuck Kirby, has just come back into the picture and is trying to convince her that the time has come to sell her show to him on behalf of his employer, Buffalo Bill.

But all of that changes when one of her employees, Carlos, finds a miniature horse unlike anything seen before. T.J. is sure that the strange creature will change the fortunes of her failing circus show and bring her untold riches. Meanwhile, local paleontologist Sir Horace Bromley has come to believe that the tiny horse is a prehistoric animal thought to have been extinct for millions of years; and a local group of gypsies warn that if the animal is not returned to the Forbidden Valley from which is came, a curse will be leveled upon his who stole it away.

Finally, T.J., Tuck, Horace, Carlos, and a bunch of their fellow cowboys, make off to the Forbidden Valley in search of even more of these strange creatures. But they get more than they bargained for. Hidden away for millions of years in this secret valley were all sorts of prehistoric creatures, most horrible of all being an Allosaurus known as Gwangi.

The cowboys ultimately capture Gwangi, after battling him and other prehistoric creatures along the way. They bring him back to T.J.'s circus and dream of the riches they are about to acquire as they put their new show on the road. But unsurprisingly things do not go as planned, and soon Gwangi is on the loose, menacing the local population and even doing battle with an elephant.

The tag line pretty well says it all. This is basically a cowboy movie with dinosaurs added in. Kind of like King Kong meets John Wayne. It starts off awfully slow, but it picks up once they get to the valley. Once the action starts up its a pretty enjoyable movie. The wonderful stop motion work of Ray Harryhausen alone makes this movie worthwhile despite its over the top acting, occasionally ridiculous dialogue, and the unfortunate requirement for a bit of nose holding in terms of the somewhat racist depictions of the non-white characters. Kind of surprising nobody has made a run at re-doing this one. I guess cowboys just aren't in anymore.

3 balderdash's out of 5
Rated G. Contains mild violence.

Watch the Valley of Gwangi trailer.

Pandorum (2009)

Don't fear the end of the world. Fear what happens next.

Two astronauts awaken from a cryogenic sleep to find themselves seemingly alone on what appears to be an abandoned space craft. They struggle to remember who they are, where they are going, and what their mission was. Meanwhile the ship experiences increasingly intense and dangerous power surges. They realize that they are in a race against time to resent the ships reactor. But they are about to discover something even more horrifying... they are not alone.

The two men race against time, and against their mysterious, deadly visitors, meeting friends and enemies along the way. Every turn reveals another terrible piece of the puzzle that ultimately proves their mission to be even more important than their own personal survival.

Pandorum's release may have come at an unfortunate moment. Namely, right between District 9, and Avatar - two great sci-fi films both of which were major successes with lots of advertising and media attention. It's box office intake was dismal and it did not establish a real high level of notoriety.

But these facts don't take away from the real bottom-line as far as the viewer is concerned - that Pandorum is actually a thoroughly watchable movie despite a certain level of campyness. But the movies budget, which was just slightly more than that of District 9, allowed for reasonable special effects and some fairly nasty looking bad guys - even if they do kind of resemble Gollum.

But really what keeps the movie interesting is the big question of what the heck is actually going on inside this ship. The answer doesn't come until near the end of the film and leaves the door open for two planned sequels which, unfortunately, will likely never be made due to the originals poor financial performance.But if they were made they would be worth watching for the same reason that you will keep watching the original from start through to finish; just to see what happens next.

3.5 loopy space men out of 5
Rated R for strong horror violence and language.

Watch the Pandorum trailer.

The Crazies (1973)

Why are the good people dying?

A military plane crashes in the mountains near Evan's City, Pennsylvania. It's deadly cargo, a bacteriological weapon named "trixie" is released into the towns water supply. Soon the residents are dying, or turning incurably, violently, mad.

A small group of civilians tries to escape death at the hands of either infected fellow civilians, or trigger-happy soldiers, as the military quarantine's the town and begins rounding up its people. Meanwhile the military blunders its way through a failed containment of a man-made disaster they created.

The Crazies is the original version of the 2010 remake. While the remake was not completely true to the storyline of the original, the over-all plot remains basically the same as does the underlying social commentary about war, the military, biological/bacteriological weapons, etc.

Of course the original had a budget of around $250,000 as opposed to the $20,000,000 of the remake - a fairly significant difference which is pretty noticeably in terms of production quality, makeup, special effects, costume and basically every other aspect of the film.

But The Crazies is still a thoroughly enjoyable film despite its small budget and other limitations. It holds true to the hallmark of George A. Romero's other films: horror, gore, and politics. It's only a shame that until the release of the recent, excellent, remake, this original film had nearly faded into the unknown. Hopefully the remake will encourage more horror and sci-fi fans to hunt down a copy of the 1973 film and give it a well deserved viewing.

4.5 gas masks out of 5
Unrated: contains violence, gore, nudity, language.


Watch The Crazies trailer.

The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951)

A robot and a man . . . hold the world spellbound with new and startling powers from another planet!

An alien from another world (Klaatu), and his deadly robot (Gort), land on Earth, in the United States, just at the beginning of heightening Cold War tensions. After a less than warm welcome, Klaatu announces that he brings an urgent message to the leaders of the planet, but he is informed that it is impossible to convene all of the leaders due to rising international tensions. He instead tries to bring his message to the people of Earth through their most brilliant scientific minds.But Klaatu's plans are complicated by a society gripped by fear and bent on violent solutions.

Spoiler alert... Klaatu has arrived on Earth because human kinds recent development of nuclear weapons and rockets is considered to potentially threaten inter-galactic peace given the violent and warlike nature of human history and the rising tensions of the day. Klaatu and Gort have traveled to Earth to warn that humanity must change its ways or face obliteration.

The Day the Earth Stood Still is a delightful sci-fi flick which is not only a lot of fun with its over the top acting, and dated special effects, but also carries a timely message of peace and dialogue rather than war. Of course real life isn't so simple. There are economic factors at play. It's not that those behind wars and occupations today just don't want to sit down and settle their differences because they hadn't considered that option - there's money to be made after all! But I digress. It's a great movie, and a total mockery of the fear, paranoia, and hawkishness of the Cold War era which may be over, but yet continues today in new forms.

Fun fact: the words that Patricia must speak to Gort in order to stop the obliteration of Earth are the same words Ash must speak in Army of Darkness.

4.5 laser beam eyes out of 5
Unrated. Contains mild violence.

Watch The Day the Earth Stood Still trailer.

Splice (2009)

She's not human... not entirely.

A pair of rebellious scientists, who also happen to be a couple, secretly take their groundbreaking scientific research to a new level against the orders of the employer who wants to redirect their focus to creating profitable commodities from their existing research instead of pushing it forward in the hopes of new exciting discoveries.

But their work takes an unexpected turn when their human-animal hybrid experiment, which they had intended to abort before it came to term, develops at an alarming rate and is born. The new being, which they name Dren, becomes increasingly human in appearance as it rapidly develops to adulthood.

The scientists, forced to hide their illegal and unsanctioned experiment, begin to take Dren on as their own daughter. But is she as she seems?

Splice is a genuinely different movie, that much is true. It isn't particularly scary or suspenseful, but different it certainly is. Over-all, not a bad movie. It does keep the viewers interest because its hard to guess what bizarre or disturbing turn of events will happen next as Dren matures and goes through a variety of interesting changes and mood swings.

The movie also plays around with the ongoing debate about the morality of certain scientific fields. While not actually mentioned specifically, stem cells come to mind. The movie doesn't make a definitive statement, but it seems to come out on the irrational, anti-science, side of the argument. However, according to writer and director Vincenzo Natali, this was never the intent of the movie and in fact it is only meant to be a cautionary tale about the need for the mature and careful use of such technology.

Either way, Splice was ultimately an enjoyable film which was good, but maybe not amazing. It also ended with a huge open door for sequels: sequels which will surely have no hope of being as good as the original film and, if produced, will undoubtedly be primarily action films and will lose the edgy, messed-up, drama of the original.

3 blob fights out of 5
Rated R for disturbing elements including strong sexuality, nudity, sci-fi violence and language.

Watch the Splice trailer. 

Night of the Demons (2009)

All Hell Is Going To Break Loose 

Over eighty years ago, six people disappeared from the Broussard Mansion. That same night the owner, Evangeline Broussard, hung herself. Now a group of party goers are off to a Halloween shin-dig hosted by their friend Angela. But the party is soon shut down by the police, and only Angela and a small group of her friends remain at the house.

They decide to stick around and make the most of the night. But as they explore the mansion further, they make a horrifying discovery; six dead bodies hidden in a closed off room in the house.They decide to leave the house, but find themselves locked inside the property and unable to find a way out.

Soon Angela begins to behave strangely and it turns out she has become possessed by a demon which jumped into her body from one of the corpses. Soon more and more of the group fall victim to possession and turn into hideous demons.

The survivors, including the obvious leader, Maddie, struggle to fend off their grotesque former friends until daylight in the hopes of survival and escape.

The premise of a remake of the Night of the Demons was pretty exciting initially. Unfortunately this so-called remake is not only a major flop, but is hardly a remake at all. What are the similarities between this film and Night of the Demons? A group of people are in a structure on Halloween and are being attacked by demons. Also the primary villains name is Angela. Other than that virtually every scene and several key aspects of the plot are completely different to the extent that calling this a remake is pretty much a farce. All of the classic scenes of the original film have been gutted except for the lip stick scene, but they butchered that too.

Ludicrous dialogue, a totally unnecessary sub-plot about drug gangs, and unimpressive acting performances didn't help much either. What is with all these remakes lately trying to slide in some kind of quasi-scientific sounding explanation for why these things happen? Also, rusted metal hurts demons because it is an ancient element, demons are made of ancient elements, and the metal is tainted by rust? Give me a break. It's a fictional story about fictional creatures and occurrences, there's no need to make lame-brained explanations about how it all works. The original didn't need it, neither should the "remake".

But that's the difference between these films when it all comes down to it. The original was campy, true. But it accepted its campyness. It thrived on it. It used it to its advantage and mixed it with a well measured concoction of horror and comedy to make a fantastic masterpiece of late 80's horror plus two sequels to follow it.  Whatever this film tried to do, it didn't work.

On the up side, some of the demons did look pretty cool... cool for a different movie because they looked nothing like the ones from Night of the Demons. The soundtrack includes one or two pretty cool songs as well. Lesson of the day, however, is if you're going to remake a classic then do it straight-up, or not at all.

1 skeleton bite out of 5
Rated R for bloody horror violence/gore and language throughout, some sexuality, nudity and drug use.

Watch the Night of the Demons trailer.

Let the Right One In (2008)

Eli is 12 years old. She's been 12 for over 200 years and, she just moved in next door. 

Oskar is a bullied 12 year old boy who dreams of exacting revenge on his tormentors at school. One day a peculiar girl, Eli, moves in next door. The two become close but Oskar soon finds out there is more than meets the eye to his new friend. After a string of grisly murders, it becomes clear that Eli is a vampire who needs human blood to survive. Oksar is left to decide between his new supernatural girlfriend, and the troubled life he will have to leave behind if he is to remain by her side.

Aside from the really cheesy over-dubbed English (the film is Swedish), watching Let the Right One In was great, even after having already seen the remake which was released earlier this year. The plot remained basically the same between the two films, with some storyline changes. For example the somewhat bizarre cat scene was cut out of the remake I noticed. What do you call a cat that drinks vampire blood?

The original was also not as gory as the remake, which is often the case when Hollywood remakes anything. But Let the Right One In definitely comes out full of atmosphere, and a bit more spooky. It's not surprising that this film was praised by critics and horror fans alike when it was released only two years ago. If you get remade within two years, you've probably done something right.

4.5 swimming pool "accidents" out of 5
Rated R for some bloody violence including disturbing images, brief nudity and language. 

Watch the Let the Right One In trailer. 

Night of the Living Dead 3D (2006)

An all new dimension of the horror classic.

Night of the Living Dead 3D is a "re-imaging" of the original 1968 George A. Romero classic Night of the Living Dead. Barbara and her brother, Johnny, arrive late to a funeral to find that the cemetery is infested with the flesh-starved undead. They seek refuge in a nearby farmhouse owned by the Cooper family who, in this version of the story, are a bunch of stoners who operate a grow-op. Also hiding out at the house is an eccentric mortician, Tovar, who arrives with information about how the corpses came to reanimate and seek out human flesh. The lot of them fight for survival as the farmhouse comes under siege from the zombie menace.

The original Night of the Living Dead was not only one of the best horror films of all time; it heralded the dawn of the modern era in zombie cinema. In 1990, a very decent re-make was released thanks to the fine work of Tom Savini. You'd think that would be enough, but unfortunately these guys took it upon themselves to bastardize this great film by releasing this nasty steamer.

For one thing, the plot isn't even the same except for that there are characters with the same names and they happen to be in a farmhouse surrounded by zombies. The fact that the farm has now become a grow-op is really stupid, doesn't make a lot of sense, and only makes the characters more annoying while providing dismal opportunities for failed comic relief. As for the 3D effects, let's just say it's no Avatar. The acting is terrible, the plot is overly campy, and the whole thing could have done without the addition of the new character "Tovar". Plus all of the underlying socio-political commentary has been gutted.

If you are looking for Night of the Living Dead, watch the original. Then watch the 1990 remake. Then skip right on to something else, because you'll never get the 80 minutes of your life back after you waste them on this.

0.5 shovels to the head out of 5
Rated R for horror violence and gore, language, sexual content, nudity and drug use.

Watch the Night of the Living Dead 3D trailer.

Let Me In (2010)

Innocence Dies. Abby Doesn't.

Owen has a lot to deal with in life; parents going through a divorce, a religious zealot mother, and vicious bullying at school. But he is about to make a new friend that will change his life forever. One night Owen sees a girl about his age moving into the apartment beside his mothers with an older man, which he presumes to be her father.

After a couple of unusual encounters with the new girl, Abby, Owen begins to form a close friendship with her against her initial advice. But things get a bit weird for Owen when he sorts out that Abby is actually a vampire and her "dad" is actually her keeper, who spends his time committing grisly murders in order to collect the blood she desperately needs to survive. To make matters worse, the police are hot on the trail of the murders, which they suspect are the work of a Satanic cult, and are closing in on Abby and her "father". Owen has some big questions to answer and some big decisions to make as he finds himself between his troubled life and his bloodthirsty girlfriend.

Let Me In is a compelling drama-horror about growing up, standing up for yourself, and, of course, violently killing people and sucking their veins dry. It may feel slow at times, but each time that it does something quickly happens to draw you back in. The vampire is much like those that recent vampire film viewers will remember from 30 Days of Night; fast, strong, and scary sounding. The movie is well done all around and while not incredibly scary, it does have its share of violence and the odd jump as well as some well played suspense.

The movie is also helped by captivating performances by Chloe Moretz (Abby) and Kodi Smit-McPhee (Owen), both of whom come off as very talented. This is definitely one of those horror films where the "bad guy" is also the "good guy", or at least the distinction is not so black and white. A great movie, well worth checking out. Watch for a review of the original Swedish film "Let the Right One In," coming soon.

4.5 dead bullies out of 5
Rated R for strong bloody horror violence, language and a brief sexual situation.

Watch the Let Me In trailer.

Bloodlust (1961)

Maniac hunts humans in a jungle hell!

Modeled after the plot of the famous novel The Most Dangerous Game, Bloodlust is the story of a group of teenagers vacationing in the tropics who take a boat trip to a seemingly deserted island. While exploring, they find that the island is actually inhabited by a reclusive millionaire, Dr. Albert Balleau, and his servants. The vacationers are invited to stay at Dr. Balleau's mansion where they are met hospitably, but soon they get the feeling something is not as it seems.

Dr. Balleau soon reveals his true intentions; to release the teenagers onto his property so that he may hunt them down like animals, and kill them.

Bloodlust, while not a proper slasher film, exhibits many of the same characteristics and could be considered among the proto-slasher films exemplified by movies such as Psycho and Dementia 13. Unusually graphic for its time, Bloodlust may be a campy B-movie, but it still serves up some chills as Balleau works through killing his victims, and adds them to his taxidermy collection. Wilton Graffwhos nails it in his role as Balleau the cold, calculating, nonchalant madman. Robert Reed also plays a role as one of Balleau's prey in what is one of his early pre-Brady roles. All in all, a solid B-movie thriller.

4 taxidermists out of 5
Rated PG for violence, frightening scenes.

Watch the Bloodlust trailer.

Frankenstein Reborn (2005)

Born from the flesh of corpses... And the mind of a madman. 

Demented neurosurgeon, Victor Franks, experiments on a human specimen  whose co-operation is won through promises that experiments will eventually cure his handicap. But when the specimen begins to experience disturbing visions of murders, he attempts to opt out of the experiments. Franks kills him and, with his associate, work to re-animate the corpse. Finally, the corpse rises from the dead and starts off on a grisly string of killings. 


It is often said "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all". Well, the Frankenstein monster is pretty cool looking. There we go, now let's talk about the rest of the movie. 


Frankenstein Reborn, a very loose adaptation of Mary Shelly's original story, sports awful acting, painful dialogue, and a plot line which is as choppy and full of holes as the editing is. It strives to make up for these faults with a respectable level of gore, and random lesbian sex; standard throw-ins for filmmakers struggling to win an audience for a largely flatulent film. Unfortunately, no can do... Frankenstein Reborn still comes out nearly unwatchable. It would be really cool to see a proper modern re-make of Frankenstein, but this film isn't it. 


0.5 mad doctors out of 5
Rated 18A for strong violence/gore, sexual content, nudity, drug material and language.

Watch the Frankenstein Reborn trailer.

The Wasp Woman (1959)

A beautiful woman by day - a lusting queen wasp by night.

Janice Starlin, the aging owner of a troubled cosmetics manufacturing company, feels that her beauty is fading with age. She blames her aged appearance for her companies financial problems, and seeks out a solution.

Soon she is taken in by the promises of Eric Zinthrop, a self-styled scientist who claims to have developed an amazing age-reversing serum derived from wasp enzymes. Zinthrop's initial tests on animals appear to show positive results, so Starlin volunteers to be the first human to test the serum.

While the serum seems to work, her employees note that her demeanor is becoming increasingly unpleasant; not that she was particularly pleasant to start with. Despite this, she is happy with her youthful, vibrant appearance.

But the the eccentric pseudo-scientist, Zinthrop, get's hit by a car. Without regular injections of the serum Janice starts to undergo so unexpected side-effects, namely turning into a giant wasp!

The Wasp Woman has widely been interpreted as a social-commentary on the dangers and negativity of modern capitalist societies obsession with appearing youthful and stereotypically "beautiful". While Janice thinks her downfall will be aging, her real downfall is her lack of self esteem. Her willingness to subject herself to a potentially dangerous product in her desperate, but impossible, search for the fountain of youth, ends up turning her into a hideous killing machine. Kind of makes you think about all the carcinogens, chemicals, and dangerous UV rays that many people subject themselves to daily without a clue, or a care, in search of beauty.

Unfortunately, The Wasp Woman doesn't end up looking like she does on the cover of the movie, instead she is completely reversed with a wasp head and human body rather than the other way around. She ends up looking like a lower budget version of The Fly. Furthermore we don't really get to see her till fairly late in the movie. In other words, there is an awful lot of slow lead up before the "horror" begins.

Still, unimpressive costume and slow start aside, The Wasp Woman isn't completely terrible as far as cheesy, low budget B-movies go. The potential for a killer re-make is abundant here. As it turns out, a remake was made in 1995. Watch for a review of that in the future.

2.5 pipe-cleaner antennae out of 5
Rated PG for frightening scenes.

Watch The Wasp Woman trailer.

Jurassic Park (1993)

An adventure 65 million years in the making.

Wealthy entrepreneur John Hammond is about to open a theme park like none ever seen before. Named Jurassic Park (despite many of its inhabitants not being from the Jurassic period), Hammonds new attraction contains dinosaurs cloned from DNA from blood found in mosquitoes from the period which were encased in amber and remained intact to the present day. Among the dinosaurs are carnivores including velociraptor, and tyrannosaurus.

Now you may think that if you were going to start cloning dinosaurs you would start with the friendlier kinds first, and try out some more potentially person-eating varieties later on when you were sure it was safe. But one has to have exciting attractions to bring people out after all. Besides, all the dinosaurs are safely kept behind electrified metal fences.

At any rate, Hammond invites a lawyer (Gerrano), mathematician (Malcolm), dinosaur expert (Grant), palaeobotanist (Sattler), and his grandchildren (Tim & Lex) to come take a look at the park and its specimens before the grand opening. Things are going smoothly enough when one of Hammonds employee's, in the pay of a rival company, tries to steal samples of the dinosaur DNA and accidentally shuts down the parks security system in his effort to escape with the loot. Now the lot of them have to escape from the park while avoiding an array of hungry dinosaurs which are now essentially roaming free.

When Jurassic Park was released in 1993, it was a smash hit which was followed by an immense marketing campaign, a line of toys, two sequels, and a ride at Universal Studios. Based on Michael Crichton's best-selling novel, to date it is the 15th highest grossing film ever. It stood much higher on that list before being pushed down the list by a number of recent films.

With really cool and realistic looking animatronic dinosaurs,  memorable scenes like t-rex attacking the Jeep, the dilophosaurus attack, and the velociraptor chase, Jurassic Park earned its place as one of the greatest dinosaur movies ever made. The only question remaining is, have these guys seen it?

4.5 misguided trips to the outhouse out of 5

Rated PG-13 for intense science fiction terror.

 

Watch the Jurassic Park trailer. 

Jason X (2001)

Evil gets an upgrade.

Jason Voorhees is captured and held in a government research facility where he is studied in hopes of finding the secret to his regenerative abilities. Once Rowan, the leader of the project, proposes cryogenically freezing Jason in order to ensure that he can not strike again. But a greedy scientist, bent on profiting from discovering Jason's secrets, goes over her head and tries to have him moved for further testing. Naturally he escapes and goes on another of his signature killing sprees. Once tries to stop him, but they both end up in a a state of cryogenic suspension.

Over 400 years later, they are discovered by a team of students who descent on Earth, which is no longer inhabited, on a training mission. They thaw Once and Jason. They believe Jason to be dead, and ignore Once's warnings. Sure enough, he wakes up again and hacks his way through the entire ships security personnel, and most of the crew.

Finally he faces off with the ships android, who does a pretty convincing number on him, but he is accidentally regenerated even stronger than before. It's not looking good for the remaining survivors as they desperately scramble to stay alive and to find help before the damage inflicted by Jason destroys the ship, and those on board.

Jason X attempts to put a new twist on the Friday the 13th series in a way that is even more daring than what was done with Jason Goes to Hell. It's just a shame it failed so badly. Star Trek meets Friday the 13th just doesn't come out particularly convincingly. In the end, Jason X is more of a sci-fi action flick than a horror. Obviously it is full of Jason slashing, stabbing, and dismembering everyone in sight. But other than that it really doesn't feel like a Friday the 13th movie and may actually be not only the worst Jason movie to be made by New Line Cinema, but possibly even the worst one to be made to date.

Furthermore, Jason X completely disregards the events of its immediate predecessor, Jason Goes to Hell, in which Jason was sent to hell and met Freddy Krueger. This plot line isn't picked back up until the next movie, Freddy vs. Jason. At the same time, Jason X leaves the door open for another sequel which could take place on Earth 2, where humans had relocated to after destroying the original Earth. But at this point the probability of such a sequel seems slight considering the franchise has already gone the way of the shitty remake.


1.5 robo Jason's out of 5
Rated 18A for strong horror violence, language and some sexuality.

Watch the Jason X trailer. 

Dead Snow (2009)

Ein! Zwei! Die! 

A group of medical students go vacationing in the mountains of Norway for Easter holidays and encounter a horrifying presence. A platoon of nazi soldiers fled to these same mountains to escape the advancing Red Army which had swept through the area, liberating it from nazi oppression in the early 1940's. The nazi's somehow became zombies and lurked in the snowy mountains ever since, menacing anyone who strayed into their territory. Led by the evil general Zerzog, the nazi zombies descent upon the campers who have no choice but to fight for their survival against the flesh hungry fascists.

Dead Snow starts out as a fairly standard movie about a bunch of people going to a remote location with no idea what is in store for them. In fact one of the characters even makes a joke to that effect, which is soon made ironic when the characters start to drop like flies. For the first half of the movie, it looks like it may actually be a serious attempt at a scary zombie movie, but it soon descents into an all out orgy of gore and camp. The campers wind up slicing and dicing their way through dozen of nazi zombies who occasionally get lucky and manage to do away with one of them as well.

Dead Snow has its share of jumps towards the start and fills in the rest with enough blood and guts to keep things interesting through to the end. Not the best zombie movie out there, but far from the worst.

3 nazi zombie head stomps out of 5
Rated 18A for violence/gore, sexual content, nudity, language, frightening scenes.

Watch the Dead Snow trailer.

Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)

Evil has finally found a home.

Jason returns to Crystal Lake and falls into an ambush set up with the intention of destroying him once and for all. He is riddled with over 100 bullets and blown to pieces by grenades. But will that stop Jason? Of course not!

The supernatural origins of Jason's powers are revealed in this (intended) final installment of the Friday the 13th series. When the remaining fragments of Jason's corpse are taken to the morgue for an autopsy, his demonic spirit transfers into one of the morticians.But he can only live in a host body for a limited period of time before having to jump into a new body via a snake-like demon. Jason's real goal is to reach his only living adult relative, Jessica, through whom he may be reborn permanently.

Meanwhile, an eccentric bounty hunter warns Jessica's estranged partner, Steven, of the impending danger. Now they must race against time, and the odds, to warn Jessica. While Jason hopes to be reborn through her, she is also the only one who can destroy him.To do this, she must use a magic dagger found in the Voorhees house to stab him and send him to hell.

Finally Jason arrives at his old family home. After a lengthy and messy battle, Jessica stabs Jason and after a cheesy light show, Jason is dragged to hell by demons. The final scene shows his mask lying in the sand where he was killed, Freddy Kruegers hand suddenly bursts from the sand and pulls Jason's mask underground, foreshadowing yet another sequel that was yet to come.


Jason Goes to Hell was the first, and best, installment in the Friday the 13th series to come from New Line Cinema, which picked up the series after it was dropped by Paramount. Jason, played again by Kane Hodder, looks particularly grim in this film. While we never see his face, his mask looks melted into his face, perhaps as a result of the toxic waste he is burnt by at the end of Jason Takes Manhattan. His head looks burnt and deformed, with scraggly tufts of hair sticking out the back of it. The Jason of most of the later Paramount sequels struggled to be scary in an increasingly cheesy context which became harder and harder to take seriously. This Jason slices campers in half, melts peoples faces off in deep fryers, and just generally makes sure you know that he is not to be fucked with.


Another interesting aspect of this Jason film is the cameo appearance of the Necronomicon from the Evil Dead series. The dagger used to kill Jason also looks suspiciously like the one from Evil Dead, all of which seems to imply some sort of connection between the series which was never again mentioned or extrapolated on.

While Jason was supposed to be dead and gone for good this time, he still has a trip to space and a battle with Freddy Krueger in front of him before the franchise truly ended, only to be restarted a few years later by a fairly crummy remake. But for the time being at least, Jason's film career ends on a high note.

4 de-mustached Jason's out of 5
Rated R for strong violence and gore, and for sexuality and language.


Watch the Jason Goes to Hell trailer.

The Nightmare Ends on Halloween (2004)

Prepare for the ultimate showdown.

The Nightmare Ends on Halloween is another Blinkey Productions fan film which is set immediately after Freddy's defeat at the hands of Jason Voorhees in Freddy vs. Jason.

Freddy is now in limbo between his dream world, and hell. He meets Michael Myers, whose mind also spends its time in limbo while he is catatonic between Halloween's. Freddy tries to convince Michael to do his bidding for him in the real world. Michael refuses and turns on Freddy. They fight it out briefly before they are interrupted by Pinhead (of the Hellraiser films) who has recruited Jason and Leatherface as minions to come retrieve Freddy and bring him to hell where he belongs.

The entire film runs just over 8 minutes and is well made. Freddy's make up looks good, as do the other characters. The guy playing Freddy is a bit of an over-actor, and the battle between him and Michael is much too short and not too eventful. It's a shame this wasn't extrapolated into a longer film which could delve further into everything. On the other hand, considering how bad Freddy vs. Jason was, maybe it isn't.

2.5 slasher conventions out of 5
Unrated. Contains violence.

Watch The Nightmare Ends on Halloween.

Friday the 31st: Michael vs. Jason (2005)

Two evils meet.

Michael Myers stalks his nephew, John Tate, and his fiancee across the U.S. Unaware that they are being followed, they stop at Crystal Lake to ask for directions. There they encounter Tommy Jarvis, who is holed  up in his cabin, hiding from Jason Voorhees.

Jason soon arrives and breaks into the cabin, attacking Tommy. Michael isn't far behind, having followed John's car to the cabin. This cabin proves not to be big enough for the both of them, so the two infamous villains are left to duke it out. If they weren't too evil to work together, they would have made a killer team.

Friday the 31st is a fan film created by Blinky Productions. It runs just over 21 minutes and is surprisingly well made despite some lighting issues, and an obviously small budget. Admittedly there are a few scenes that come off as a bit odd, like when Jason just opens the door of the cabin after pounding on it for so long. Also, Tommy Jarvis looks nothing like he did in the Friday the 13th movies. On the up side, he is quite a bit less whiny and annoying than he was in the actual films, and he doesn't have that really stupid 80's haircut. A couple of parts in the fight scene between Jason and Michael incite a bit of a chuckle. Jason breaking Michael's arm just seemed really funny and out of place somehow.

Regardless, Friday the 31st is well worth the 20 minutes for any fan of these two legendary horror franchises. Chances are that this won't be the last film from Blinky to find its way onto this blog if others are of a similar caliber.

3 slasher showdowns out of 5
Unrated. Contains violence.

Watch Friday the 31st.

Friday the 13th: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

The Big Apple's in BIG trouble!

A boat carrying two teenagers on their way to a graduation cruise to New York accidentally raises Jason from the dead. He climbs aboard, murders the passengers, and rides the boat to the dock, where he stows away on the cruise ship. How Crystal Lake leads to Manhattan would be some interesting geography to see, but whatever.

Jason quickly begins his killing spree, knocking off the crew and the students on board one after another. One of the students, Rennie, senses that something is wrong. But she thinks it is just her imagination playing tricks on her as a result of her intense fear of water. When her boyfriends dad, who happens to be the ships captain, turns up dead the crew and passengers start to realize that everyone is in danger.

The students organize a mob to hunt down and kill the murderer, not realizing quite yet what they are up against. Jason makes short work of most of the ships inhabitants, then proceeds to sink it. The survivors escape on a life boat while Jason swims to shore to intercept them in Manhattan. Rennie, her boyfriend, her domineering guardian, her teacher, and her dog are left to fight their way through Jason, and the mean streets of New York, in hopes of surviving.

Jason Takes Manhattan is one of the worst, if not the worst, of the Friday the 13th series. Set to a painfully awful 80's pop soundtrack, this eighth installment in the franchise is a veritable cheese fest with lots of stupid gags, goofy effects, and obnoxious characters. In other words, it's back to the stylings of the fifth and sixth films. Even Kane Hodder, who does a great job as Jason in The New Blood, has a hard time being scary in such a ludicrous context. He does, however, offer up a few satisfying kills such as those of the abusive asshole foster dad, and the two attempted rapists.

If someone at Paramount thought that there was no way they could realistically bring Jason back to life for another rampage on Crystal Lake, what made them think it would work better to bring him back to life and send him to New York on a cruise ship. Wouldn't it have been easier just not to keep killing him in every movie and then trying to think up some ridiculous way to bring him back to life? Like the characters in these movies, they just never learn.

2 syringe impalement's out of 5
Rated 18A for violence, drug use, language, sexual content, nudity, and frightening scenes.


Watch the Jason Takes Manhattan trailer.

Lesbian Vampire Killers (2009)

Two no-hopers. One cursed village. One hell of a night!

Centuries ago, Baron Wolfgang MacLaren slayed the Vampire Queen, Carmilla. But before he could finish her off she placed a curse on both the Baron, and the local villagers,  whereby each of their female descendants would become a lesbian vampire on their 18th birthday.

Fast-forward to the present day; Jimmy and Fletch are two hopeless fellows who are down on their luck. Jimmy has recently been dumped by his emotionally abusive, cheating girlfriend... again. Fletch, meanwhile, has just been fired from his job as a clown for children's parties.

The two friends decide that what they need is a vacation, so they head off to the remote village of Cragwich, which just so happens to be the very same village where the Vampire Queen, Carmilla, was slain. On their journey they encounter a van full of attractive young women including the charming Lotte, and several of her fellow mythology students. They are on their way to Cragwich to study the legend of Carmilla.

Considering themselves quite lucky, Jimmy and Fletch hitch a ride to a cabin where the students are staying and begin to party it up. Things would appear to be going swimmingly, until some of their new found friends go missing. They've been turned into lesbian vampires too, and now the Vampire Queen's hench-women have even more devious plans. It turns out that Jimmy is the last remaining descendant of Wolfgang MacLaren. Using his blood, and that of the virginal Lotte, the vampires intend to resurrect Carmilla so that she may reap her revenge. Only Jimmy, Fletch, Lotte, and a very peculiar vicar, can stop them (and save themselves) before its too late.

Lesbian Vampire Killers is a tongue-in-cheek vampire comedy which uses lesbian sexuality as a gimmick to get people to watch it. The movie doesn't particularly paint a very balanced picture of lesbians. There's lots of lighthearted double entendre jokes about being "turned" which in some way might come off as reinforcing the ridiculous notion that straight people can be turned gay or lesbian through simple exposure to homosexuality. Perhaps not shockingly, it isn't a particularly pro-woman film in general for that matter. Carmilla is proclaimed to be "driven by a hatred of men and a love of women". All the female characters except Lotte are either evil, mere sex objects, or both. It's fairly clear who this movie is appealing to for its audience. Sex and gender politics, and the odd funny moment here and there aside, it was actually... still pretty bad. The real question is will they go through with making a sequel about gay werewolves?

1 milk-filled (WTF?) vampires out of 5

Rated 18A for language, sexual content and horror violence.

 

Watch the Lesbian Vampire Killers trailer. 

Friday the 13th: The New Blood (1988)

On Friday the 13th, Jason will meet his match.
 
Years after Tommy Jarvis thought he finished Jason off once and for all, Tina Shepherd, a teenage girl with telekinetic powers, accidentally frees him from his watery tomb. Jason gets right back into the swing of things, unleashing a murderous rampage upon the two nearby cabins on Crystal Lake. One cabin is housing Tina, her quack doctor, and her mother. The other is housing Jason's favourite prey, partying teenagers. Only Tina, with her supernatural abilities, can defeat Jason this time around.

The New Blood temporarily saved the Friday the 13th series from its descent into mediocrity. A lot of the things that did disservice to the last two films are gone in The New Blood. Namely, cheesy one-liners, comic relief characters, and the long played out character of Tommy Jarvis. Jason, now played by Kane Hodder, is scarier and more vicious. We also get a look at him without his mask yet again in this installment. By this point he is looking like a decaying zombie. He's seen better days... sort of. At any rate it's all irrelevant because by this point in the series it is pretty clear that he is essentially immortal and unstoppable. Of course he is temporarily stopped again at the end of the film, in way which is potentially even stupider than in Jason Lives. But putting that aside, New Blood is a return to the Friday the 13th style which made the series a success in the first place. If only it could last.

4 tree saws out of 5
Rated 18A for violence/gore, nudity/sexual content, language, drug use, frightening scenes.

Watch the New Blood trailer.

Friday the 13th: Jason Lives (1986)

Kill or be killed! 

Jason is inexplicably re-animated by a bolt of lightening after Tommy Jarvis makes the lunatic decision to unearth his coffin, believing that this will cure the Jason-related nightmares which continue to plague him. Tommy escapes narrowly with his life, and swears to destroy Jason once and for all.

Meanwhile a new camp has been opened on Crystal Lake, which has been re-named Forest Green to hide its dark past. The kids have already arrived, and counselors are settling in, unaware of the impending bloodbath.

Tommy's attempts to warn local law enforcement are met with disbelief and belligerence. But the police chiefs daughter apparently has a thing for guys who come off as raving lunatics and, after falling for Tommy, teams up with him to fight Jason.

Unfortunately, Jason Lives follows down the same path as New Blood. The whole movie has a toned down feel compared to earlier installments. Jason isn't as scary, the gore is less graphic, and the suspense is gone. At the same time there is an abundance of unnecessary comic-relief in the form of superfluous cheese characters like the paintball team, and really dumb one-liners. None of it is really funny, but it serves to lighten the movie up, in other-words, to destroy the mood and atmosphere of the film.

Presumably the move away from the more serious, scarier, and more explicit, style of the first four films was aimed at making the films more palatable to a wider audience in order to keep up with the plethora of cheese-ball slasher films of the day. The real result, however, is a much worse movie over-all, and a way less profitable one. Unfortunately most slasher movie makers didn't really seem to learn any lessons from this experience in the years that followed.

As for Tommy's attempt to finish off Jason at the end of the film... really? 

3 propellers to the head out of 5
Rated 18A for violence, sexual content, profanity, frightening scenes.


Watch the Jason Lives trailer.

Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)

If Jason still haunts you, you're not alone!

 

Jason Voorhees was pronounced dead after being hacked to death by the young Tommy Jarvis at the end of Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter. Since then Tommy has grown up in a variety of mental hospitals, unable to cope with his traumatic experiences and recurring nightmares about Jason. 

 

Shortly after Tommy is moved to a halfway house, in a rural, wooded area not unlike Camp Crystal Lake. Soon a hockey mask wearing villain begins killing off the residents of the halfway house, and anyone else who happens to be in the vicinity. Has Jason returned from the grave? Has Tommy slipped into insanity and picked up Jason's legacy? Or is someone else altogether behind this new spat of grisly murders?

A New Beginning, the fifth film in the legendary Friday the 13th series, starts to show the first serious signs of weakness for franchise. While far from the worst of the sequels, it fails to provide the same jumps, the same suspense, and the same gore as its immediate predecessors. While it does contain the odd exception, it comes off as much more flat than the earlier sequels and starts off quite slow initially. Some of Jason's usual creativity does come out, but a large number of the deaths are by simple stabbing, or occur off-screen. 

Some of the characters in A New Beginning are so ridiculous or utterly obnoxious that you can't help but eagerly await their demise. The unfortunate part is that because they are so obnoxious, they take away somewhat from the enjoyment of the movie. In some of these cases, like the two rednecks, their presence in the film could have been much briefer and this could only have improved the movie over-all. 

Finally, it seems somewhat superfluous to have inserted a sequel without the actual star villain into the middle of the series. Considering how many silly ways Jason came back to life in these movies, you wouldn't imagine that anyone would have had a problem with him doing it one more time.  

 

3 dead rednecks out of 5 

Rated R for violence/gore, sexual content, nudity, language, drug use, frightening scenes.  

Watch the New Beginning trailer.

The Exorcist (1973)

Something beyond comprehension is happening to a little girl on this street, in this house. A man has been called for as a last resort to try and save her. That man is The Exorcist.

Successful actress Chris McNeil, and her daughter Regan, live a comfortable, posh, lifestyle with their two servants in their big house in Washington D.C. But their generally uneventful, and privileged,  lifestyle is about to be turned on its head.

Innocent, polite, little Regan begins to act strangely; speaking of imaginary friends, using foul language, and claiming that her bed shakes at night.

The situation rapidly deteriorates as Regan's behaviour takes a turn for the worse with violent outbursts aimed at herself and others. Chris eventually comes to believe that her daughter is becoming increasingly possessed by demonic forces.

While it seems unbelievable at first, Regan's increasing disturbing appearance and behaviour lead Chris to call on Father Karras to perform an exorcism on the head-spinning, projectile-vomiting, spider-walking Regan.

The Exorcist is widely considered one of the most frightening films ever produced. Although this widespread belief certainly has its detractors, The Exorcist is undoubtedly a creepy film which has scared the ever-living crap out of more than a few in its time.

All around, this is a fantastically made film which must have been quite a shock to movie-goers of the day. It's tone is dead serious, without an ounce of the humorous light-heartedness which characterizes so many horror movies today. Instead it's a straight-forward tale of a sweet young girl being transformed into a hideous, violent demon whose memorable abilities and pass-times include spinning her head around in a full circle, spewing puke, spider-walking down the stairs, and changing her voice dramatically for maximum spookiness. A classic, and a must see for any horror fan.

5 spinning heads out of 5

Rated 18A for strong language and disturbing images.

Watch the Excorcist trailer.