Stake Land (2010)

The Most Dangerous Thing Is To Be Alive.

A vampire epidemic has swept the United States, and much of the planet. A young man by the name of Martin loses his family in a vampire attack, but soon runs in to a vampire slayer and self taught survivalist known only as "Mister".

Mister and Martin head north to a land known as "New Eden". It's really just Canada, the only big surprise being that it took a vampire apocalypse for more American's to figure that one out.

There's only one problem, other than the blood thirsty vampires. A neo-nazi cult calling itself the "Brotherhood" is determined to restart human society on their own maniacal terms, and to "cleanse" all those who oppose them or don't fit into their ideal. It doesn't help much that Mister quite righteously killed two members of the Brotherhood who were attempting to rape a nun.

In the process they make some friends and allies including a former soldier, a pregnant woman, and a young woman who is handy with a crossbow. But can they make it to New Eden alive and in one piece?

This film is dark and gritty, but it is also a story of hope and overcoming adversity. It also has a strong anti-racist undercurrent. It could be seen as a commentary on the state of political life in the United States today.

Stakeland is a refreshing film which, like 30 Days of Night before it, puts vampires back where they should be; in the role of blood thirsty and vicious monsters. This isn't Twilight, but I'd pay good money to see Mister deal definitively with the douche bags from those films so that they could stop making a mockery of the horror genre. An excellent and well made film all around.

4.5 stakes out of 5
Contains violence, gore, language, frightening scenes.

Captain Kronos - Vampire Hunter (1974)

The Only Man Alive Feared by the Walking Dead!

A vampire hunter known as Captain Kronos, and his hunchbacked sidekick Grost, travel to a small village where young women have been found mysteriously drained of their youth, turned old and frail. Kronos deduces that the women are the victims of a particular variety of vampire, which feeds by sucking the life out of their victims with a kiss.

Kronos meets a beautiful woman by the name of Carla, who joins their investigatory team. Soon they find themselves at the Duward Estate, where a pair of young siblings are caring for their elderly mother. Kronos suspects something is fishy, could it be that there is more to the Duward's than meets the eye?

Captain Kronos - Vampire Hunter has sometimes been referred to as the fourth installment in Hammer Horror's Karnstein trilogy. Technically this is not accurate. There's a reason it is a trilogy; it's because there are three films. A fourth film had been intended by Hammer, but it never made it past the earliest stages of development. While Captain Kronos does include some similar themes, and does end up mentioning the Karnstein name, it is not actually part of the same series, and there are several key differences between this film and the other three.

First of all, this film is substantially cheesier. While the originals attempted to maintain a level of seriousness, Kronos errors on the side of total camp. Also, the vampires are completely different. This film claims there are several types of vampires who feed in different ways and must be killed by different means. Not the case in the Karnstein films. This film is also toned down a fair bit from the Karnstein films. It includes negligible violence, and substantially toned down sexuality - although the relationship between those Duward siblings does seem a bit creepy at times. Furthermore, this film was not written by the same man, Tudor Gates, who wrote the Karnstein stories.

Over all, Captain Kronos is pretty bad. The dialogue is ridiculous, the effects are cheesy, the acting is nothing to write home about. There is a plot twist, a substantial sword fight, and some kind of neat imagery of the villains demise at the end as well if you can hang on till then. Otherwise this film, and its swashbuckling, womanizing hero is, at best, good for a light-hearted chuckle.

1.5 cross-swords out of 5
Rated R: contains violence, mild sexuality.

Lust for a Vampire (1971)

A vampire's lust knows no boundaries...

The year is 1830. It has been forty years since the last case of vampirism terrorised the quaint English hamlet near Karnstein castle. But now the heirs of the Karnstein name have shed the blood of a virgin in a sacrifice that will bring back the dreaded vampire Carmilla, who has been dead since 1710.

Under the anagram name Mircalla, Carmilla takes to a nearby women-only Finishing School where youthful blood is bountiful and her vampirism can go unnoticed, with the assistance of a obsessed headmaster desperate to serve her, a love-stricken and fool-hearty author, and a headmistress desperate to avoid any bad press for her beloved, and profitable, school.

Lust for a Vampire is the second film in Hammer's Karnstein Trilogy. The film remains true to the basic line of the rest of the series. Namely, beautiful female vampires who are out to kill, but also have time for some sexy times and a fair bit of wandering about topless on the side. The theme sounds dreadfully kitschy, and in large part it is. But the films remain entertaining and watch able because of their quality sets, costumes, acting, plot lines, and settings.

It would be easy to bank on gore and sex alone, and undoubtedly Hammer was in the business of trying to catch up with competitors in the genre on those points during this period. But the films retain a feeling of legitimacy nonetheless, because of those quality aspects. Let's face it; there's something to be said for retaining a sense of legitimacy as a film despite operating under a title like Lust for a Vampire.

Noticeably missing from this instalment of the series is Hammer stalwart Peter Cushing, who was apparently caring for his ill wife at the time of shooting and therefore had to be replaced. Still, the cast pulls off its roles well. This includes Carmilla herself, played by the very beautiful, and not untalented, Yutte Stensgaard, whose brief career spanned the late 60's and early 70's and mostly included television programmes. It is not unlikely that this is the best thing her talents were put to use in.

The film does, however, have some down sides. Compared with The Vampire Lovers, and Twins of Evil, Lust for a Vampire is a bit slow going at times. Not painfully, but noticeably. There is also an increased focus on the love story aspect between Carmilla and the hopeless author turned teacher Richard Lestrange. The sound track is also pretty awful. In the end Lust for a Vampire is perhaps the worst of the trilogy, but is still a decent film, especially when compared with modern day vampire film turds such as Twilight.

3 "heart attacks" out of 5
Rated R: contains violence, nudity, sexuality.

The Vampire Lovers (1970)

Even the Dead Can Love

Marcilla, the young beautiful daughter of a Countess, is taken on as a house guest by General von Spielsdorf. Soon after her arrival, villagers begin to turn up dead. As the General's own daughter falls ill and becomes weak and pale, whispers begin to spread through the village about the legendary Karnstein family - vampires who once terrorized the land.

Marcilla soon finds a new family to take her in and becomes close with their teenage daughter who soon begins to meet the same fate as the General's daughter. von Spielsdorf becomes suspicious and seeks the assistance of Baron Hartog, who once laid waste to the Karnstein's, and now believes one may have survived.

The Vampire Lovers is the first of Hammer's Karnstein trilogy. As noted in my review of Twins of Evil, Hammer attempted with this series and some other films of the day to break in to the modern horror market, which was evolving quickly around them.

As such, The Vampire Lovers is chock-full of beautiful scantily clad women, sexuality, and increased violence. By today's standards, and even by those of the 1970's, the violence is actually quite mild. The sexuality, on the other hand, is perhaps less so. There's nothing particularly explicit going on, but these films are noted for their strong themes of lesbian sexuality, and they definitely pushed the envelope in terms of same-sex action in non-X rated movies at the time.

Unfortunately it is all presented in a pretty negative light over-all. Even though the film makers clearly cranked up the sex volume on purpose to draw in viewers, lesbian sexuality is definitely presented as something that is tied in with evil and villainy - the demonic Marcilla corrupting the young daughters of the village. Not exactly your positive messaging to say the least.

Otherwise, The Vampire Lovers is an entertaining film. It has all the makings of the usual lovable Hammer flick; great sets, wonderful gothic atmosphere, a trustworthy cast of the usual suspects, and a reasonably well thought out plot. Generally a well done, compelling opening shot to one of Hammer's later film series.

3.5 decapitations out of 5
Rated R for violence, frightening scenes, sexuality, nudity.

Twins of Evil (1971)

One Uses Her Beauty For Love! One Uses Her Lure For Blood!

It is the 19th Century, and two orphaned young women, stunning twins named Frieda and Maria, arrive in a European village to live with their uncle Gustav Weil. Maria is conservative and obedient, while her sister Frieda is rebellious and adventurous. Their uncle, a paranoid religious fanatic, trusts neither of them. He leads a group of puritan loonies who roam the country side burning alive anyone who they decide may be a witch, or other supposed servant of the devil.

What they don't know is that while they are out setting fire to innocent peasants and unfortunate young women, the local Lord, Count Karnstein, is a real life evil doer who is operating right under their noses. But Karnstein soon takes notice of the twins, especially Frieda, who has also caught the eye of local sceptic, Anton. Karnstein aims to take her under his devil worshipping wing, and soon the stage is set for an old fashioned "good" vs. "evil" showdown.

Twins of Evil is one of Hammer's later films, which were marked by a significant increase in nudity, sexuality, and violence as was increasingly the norm in horror films of the day. The films gore level is certainly above that of some earlier Hammer films, but this is the same year that films like Blood Freak, A Clockwork Orange, and Tombs of the Blind Dead, were released and on this front Hammer simply could not keep up. In terms of sex appeal, on the other hand, this one must have blown away the competition. Hammer's efforts to keep up with the times ultimately failed, but that didn't necessarily mean that their productions during the later years weren't still entertaining.

This film, for example, is highly watch-able all around. The performances, particularly those of Peter Cushing (Gustav), Damien Thomas (Karnstein), David Warbeck (Anton), and the twins (Mary and Madeline Collinson), were all quite good. The characters were compelling, if a bit static.

The dark, gothic atmosphere of the Hammer film is still present here, and that adds to the films charm. The same goes for the costumes and sets, all of which help to complete the over-all feel of the movie successfully.

Of course the trouble ultimately is that both the "good" guys and "bad" guys are pretty difficult to root for. They are both crazed religious nuts who kill innocent people. At least the bad guys look hot while doing it. In the end though, the real good characters win the day and everyone else gets their due.

Even if Hammer was in decline in these later years, films like this one are still entertaining and fun to watch. As it turns out, Twins of Evil was part of the Karnstein Trilogy. Rest assured the other two films will be reviewed soon.

3.5 human sacrifices out of 5
Rated R: contains violence, nudity, sexuality.

The Lair of the White Worm (1988)

Angus Flint, a Scottish archaeologist, discovers a strange animal skull in the ruins of an ancient covenant he is excavating. Shortly thereafter Angus meets Lord James D'Ampton, who has recently inherited his family's land nearby the excavation site. D'Ampton tells Angus of the D'Ampton worm, a huge snake-like monster which was slain by one of James D'Ampton's ancestors. Incidentally, the tale is also conveyed through a catchy folk-rock number just prior to this.

Meanwhile Lady Sylvia Marsh returns early to her nearby mansion, known as Temple House. Local townsfolk begin to disappear inexplicably, and the skull is mysteriously stolen from Angus's room. Then the watch of a missing person turns up in a cavern which, according to legend, was home to the D'Ampton worm.

Further investigation leads them to the chilling conclusion that the D'Ampton worm lives on, and that a murderous and sexually depraved worm-worshipping cult, which Lady Marsh seems to be connected to, is operating in the vicinity.

The Lair of the White Worm mixes horror, thriller, and bizarre eroticism into a truly unique cocktail. The film is an adaptation of a book by Bram Stoker. I can't speak to the quality of the adaptation as I haven't read the book. The film doesn't feature a bunch of big name actors, with the exception of Hugh Grant as James D'Ampton. But this doesn't have to mean the acting is horrid and actually, in this case, it is not.

The special effects are campy, but they actually work for the movie. Particularly the psychedelic hallucination scenes which feature a tawdry assortment of sex, violence, and blasphemy, are not striking in terms of the quality of effects but certainly get the message across without looking cheap. The white worm itself is also not bad even if it is a bit reminiscent of that monster that swallowed the Millennium Falcon in Star Wars V.

The demonic cult members are simple in terms of make up and costume, but again are effective and are employed in enough jump scenes and occasional gory demises to keep things interesting. The characters are generally capable of being rooted for, even if Grant's character is a slightly snobby Lord. Apparently class conflict between workers and aristocrats can be put side in times of giant monster related crisis, although I'm not sure that theory has had the opportunity to undergo scrutiny in a test environment. There is also a definite sexism underlying the protagonist characters as well in that the female ones ultimately end up in the position of helpless victim and it is left up to the men to save the day, an arrangement that is actually not the norm in the majority of horror films but is common in monster flicks.

Overall, The Lair of the White Worm is actually an enjoyable and well made films though best avoided by those easily offended by the defilement of religious icons or by weird sex and giant pointy dildos. Sorry, you will have to watch for an explanation of that one because I'm not really clear on it myself.

3 hallucinogenic vampire vomits out of 5
Rated R: contains violence, gore, sexuality, nudity, language.

Vampyr (1932)

Allan Grey, a young traveller, stays at an ancient castle where he begins to see strange, and even impossible, sights; a cloaked man with a scythe ringing a large bell, a man whose shadow has a life of its own, and more. Then, a strange man invades his room and leaves a package to be opened upon his death.

Soon the man is dead, and the package turns out to be a book detailing the legend of the Vampyr. Then one of the daughters of the lord of the castle dies of what appears to be anaemia. Allan begins to suspect that something dark, supernatural, and sinister is at play. It may be advisable to relocate to a new vacation spot.

Vampyr is a fantastic and surreal fantasy-horror film by German director Carl Theodor Dreyer. The film was actually completed in 1931, but was shelved until 1932 and thus released after the far more famous American film Dracula staring Bela Lugosi. Today Vampyr is largely forgotten, while Dracula will be remembered for eternity as one of the classics of horror cinema.

But in fact, Vampyr very much deserves to be remembered. The film features wonderful cinematography; complex, gliding camera work and unusual angles all of which must have come at considerable difficulty given the primitive camera equipment of the time. The films spooky, Gothic imagery create a perfect horror film atmosphere.

The film is largely silent in terms of dialogue, but was actually Dreyer's first sound film and does include a very interesting, effective musical score. Naturally the film is in German with subtitles. These aspects, plus the lack of a clearly linear plot make Vampyr a little difficult to follow for some. In fact, as the film progresses rather than moving toward a clear finish, it becomes increasingly baffling. Still, none of this overtakes the fact that Vampyr is a brilliant and beautiful, if under-rated and little-known piece of horror film history.

4 stakes out of 5
Unrated: contains potentially frightening imagery.

Red Scream Nosferatu (2010)

Jonathan Harker is sent to Transylvania by his employer with the goal of selling the wealthy Count Orlok a piece of property. But when Jonathan arrives at his far off destination he finds the Count and his home very peculiar indeed. Sure enough the Count is a vampire, and soon Jonathan becomes his prisoner.

Captivated by a photo of Jonathan's beautiful wife, the Count departs to make her his new bride. Meanwhile, the Count's existing three wives seek to make Jonathan their new master which is actually much less pleasant than one might think.

Red Scream Nosferatu melds elements of Nosferatu with elements of Dracula, and then modernize it with a steam-punk aesthetic.

The film attempts the difficult task of convincingly creating a setting which is seemingly based both in the past and the present or near future. Unfortunately this fails and just ends up seeming ridiculous. Each line sounds out of place and forced. That might also just have been the awful acting. The film does contain a few scenes that are kind of cool and artsy when taken on their own. But the story line is goofy and unnecessarily altered. Is Nosferatu some kind of Mormon all of the sudden? What's with all the wives? Red Scream is boring at best, irritating at worst. Instead, stick to Nosferatu (1922), Nosferatu (1979), or Dracula (1931) if you want the real vampire movie goods.

0.5 baby snacks out of 5
Unrated: contains violence, language, sexuality. 

I've Been Watching You (2001)

This fraternity is getting some new blood. 

Doma Tau Omega, a fraternity of bleach-blond, sun glass wearing douche-masters, has a terrible secret, no it isn't spray-tan related. They are actually a satanic vampire cult and they are on the lookout for fresh blood. Freshman blood, to be more exact, and they have their eyes on newcomer Chris Chandler.

Will Chris, and his friends Dan and Megan, discover the true nature of these dastardly Jersey Shore rejects in time, or will Chris become just another sacrifice to Satan, Snooky, or whatever evil entity it is that they worship?

I've Been Watching You, also known as The Brotherhood, became painful to watch less than five minutes in. It got worse from there on. The acting is awful, the dialogue is ridiculous, and the special effects are mostly non-existent. None of the characters are likable; from the vamp-douches themselves, to Chris's whimpering hard-done-by sidekick Chris, to the thicko main character himself. The best part was the ending. Not because it was a good ending, just because it was over.

0 out of 5 spray-tan stained coffin liners out of 5
Rated 14A: contains profanity, violence.

The Last Man on Earth (1964)

Do you dare to imagine what it would be like to be... the last man on earth... or the last woman?

A mysterious disease sweeps across the globe, carried by the wind. Dr. Robert Morgan works desperately with a team of scientists to find a cure while the dead pile up at alarming rates. Soon the government turns to burning the corpses in hopes of containing the plague. Dr. Morgan's own family comes down with the disease. Rumours spread of some of the corpses returning to life as vampires.

Soon Dr. Morgan finds himself alone. Somehow possessing immunity to the disease, he is now the last man on earth. But at night the living dead, zombie-like vampires, rise from their resting places and come out to hunt. Each day Morgan searches the city, destroying any vampires he encounters. Each night, he takes sanctuary in his home and waits for the protective cover of sunrise.

Based on the 1954 horror novel, I Am Legend, the story embodied in The Last Man on Earth has been remade on film twice since; in The Omega Man (1971), and I Am Legend (2007). It also inspired the seminal film in modern zombie cinema, Night of the Living Dead, which was released only four years later.

The Last Man on Earth stars the legendary horror actor Vincent Price. Like other films of that era, it lacks the fancy special effects and make up, and the gore, that we have grown accustomed to in modern horror movies. It also features some pretty awful acting on the part of most of the cast, and some fairly campy music aimed at setting the mood.

All of this fails to stop The Last Man on Earth from being a pretty good watch, however. In fact, it easily keeps the viewer interested as we gradually learn how Dr. Morgan to to where he is today, and what his life has become. Then, a plot twist that could change everything and save the human race. Could...

4 wreaths of garlic out of 5
Unrated. Contains mild violence.

Queen of the Damned (2002)

All She Wants Is Hell On Earth.

In this modern twist on Anne Rice's novel Queen of the Damned, the vampire Lestat is awakened from his two hundred year slumber to find a new world awaiting him.

After doing the usual vampire thing and drinking some blood, he hears some broody nu-metal and goes to check it out. He ends up becoming a rock star, heading up his new band which he aptly names The Vampire Lestat.

But the other vampires consider Lestat a traitor for living amongst the mortal, allowing himself to be seen and heard by the living. Plus the vampire queen Akasha has awakened from her slumber and is determined to have Lestat as her new king... having recently devoured her last one.

Lestat meanwhile comes into contact with a mortal, Jesse, a paranormal researcher who has become intrigued by Lestat and his band and will soon become his love interest. Will Lestat's love overcome his vampire ways and the temptations of Akasha? Here's a hint: it's kinda predictable.

Let's forget for a moment that it is a total mutilation of the original story as written by Anne Rice, and just look at it as a movie in and of itself. The acting is bad. The special effects are nothing too impressive. And it tries to be serious while coming off utterly ridiculous.

The movie focuses a lot on Lestat's band, which played songs which were actually written and performed by Jonathan Davis of Korn. It is not, therefore, surprising that the soundtrack also sucks since it is made up of winners like Jonathan Davis, Linkin Park, Papa Roach, and Static X, which actually used to be kind of cool... before they sounded like Korn.

Queen of the Damned may be one of the worst modern vampire movies pre-Twilight. And there have been some stinkers. I'd recommend Eternal Blood, Let the Right One In, or 30 Days of Night instead.

0.5 terrible adaptations out of 5
Rated R for vampire violence.

Watch the Queen of the Damned trailer.

30 Days of Night (2007)

They're Coming! 

Every year, the small town of Barrie, Alaska, located on the Arctic circle, experiences 30 days of night. During these 30 days, there is no sunlight, only darkness. As the citizens of Barrie prepare for this years 30 days, a strange man infiltrates the town carries out a campaign of sabotage; killing dogs, destroying the only helicopter, and wrecking cell phones.


Meanwhile the town Sheriff, Eben, discovers that his estranged wife, Stella, has missed the last flight out of Barrie and is trapped with him for the next 30 days. As he is coming to terms with the news, he receives a call related to the strangers activities and manages eventually to apprehend him. But it's too late. He has already cleared the way for the monsters whose bidding he blindly does.

A gang of vampires descends upon the peaceful town of Barrie, intent on turning it into their personal smorgasbord. No one is safe and nothing is sacred as the vampires terrorize the town, killing and devouring everyone in their path with terrible viciousness and efficiency. It's up to Eben, Stella, and a small group of townspeople to find a way to stop the nearly invincible vampires, or watch Barrie be turned into a frozen mass grave of corpses and blood-stained snow. 

30 Days of Night did to vampires what 28 Days Later did to zombies. It re-invented them. No longer were vampires slow, stalking, creatures creeping in the shadows. These vampires are fast, loud, powerful, and uncontrollably violent. Plus, they are practically invincible. It's a refreshing new take on an old villain.

The movies itself is great as well. Decent acting throughout. Great scenery, atmosphere, mood. Something about a snowy wasteland of perpetual darkness is pretty creepy to start with. It's a fantastic setting which provides a great backdrop for all kinds of gruesomely awesome scenes. One of the best new horror movies I have seen in the past few years.

5 creepy little vampire girls out of 5
Rated R for strong horror violence and language.

Watch the 30 Days of Night trailer.

30 Days of Night: Dark Days (2010)

... makes Twilight look like nursery school.

One year ago, a clan of vampires devastated the small Alaskan town of Barrie during its annual month-long sunset. Now Stella Oleson, a survivor of the rampage, has moved to Los Angeles and is purposely seeking out and attempting to expose the local vampire population in order to exact revenge for the death of her husband, Eben.

Stella's work is cut out for her as she is up against the skepticism of the local population, a government bent of covering up the truth and, of course, the vampires themselves. But she has found others who have also been the victims of the vampires and who are also out for vengeance.

Ultimately, Dark Days is an action movie wherein the bad guys happen to be vampires. The connection to the original is only really through the main character, Stella, and even she is played by a different actor. The vampires themselves just don't seem as menacing and unbeatable as in the original. The fact that they can be moved down by machine gun fire makes them seem a lot more mortal than in 30 Days of Night.

Dark Days totally lacks the creepy atmosphere of the original, which was set in Barrie, Alaska, during a month of darkness and on the backdrop of soon to be blood-drenched snow. This time we find ourselves in Los Angeles. Why on Earth are vampires setting up shop in such a sunny locale? Do they have part-time aspirations as movie stars? It's not exactly as spooky and doesn't make a heck of a lot of sense.

Add on a smaller budget and a weaker plot and you have a sequel that is far from being up to par with 30 Days of Night, which was a really excellent vampire movie. But if you happen to be in the mood for a action-packed shoot 'em up adventure with vampires then I guess you've hit the jackpot. At least it's not Twilight.

2.5 vampire vacation cruises out of 5
Rated R for bloody violence, language and some sexual content.

Watch the Dark Days trailer.

Let the Right One In (2008)

Eli is 12 years old. She's been 12 for over 200 years and, she just moved in next door. 

Oskar is a bullied 12 year old boy who dreams of exacting revenge on his tormentors at school. One day a peculiar girl, Eli, moves in next door. The two become close but Oskar soon finds out there is more than meets the eye to his new friend. After a string of grisly murders, it becomes clear that Eli is a vampire who needs human blood to survive. Oksar is left to decide between his new supernatural girlfriend, and the troubled life he will have to leave behind if he is to remain by her side.

Aside from the really cheesy over-dubbed English (the film is Swedish), watching Let the Right One In was great, even after having already seen the remake which was released earlier this year. The plot remained basically the same between the two films, with some storyline changes. For example the somewhat bizarre cat scene was cut out of the remake I noticed. What do you call a cat that drinks vampire blood?

The original was also not as gory as the remake, which is often the case when Hollywood remakes anything. But Let the Right One In definitely comes out full of atmosphere, and a bit more spooky. It's not surprising that this film was praised by critics and horror fans alike when it was released only two years ago. If you get remade within two years, you've probably done something right.

4.5 swimming pool "accidents" out of 5
Rated R for some bloody violence including disturbing images, brief nudity and language. 

Watch the Let the Right One In trailer. 

Let Me In (2010)

Innocence Dies. Abby Doesn't.

Owen has a lot to deal with in life; parents going through a divorce, a religious zealot mother, and vicious bullying at school. But he is about to make a new friend that will change his life forever. One night Owen sees a girl about his age moving into the apartment beside his mothers with an older man, which he presumes to be her father.

After a couple of unusual encounters with the new girl, Abby, Owen begins to form a close friendship with her against her initial advice. But things get a bit weird for Owen when he sorts out that Abby is actually a vampire and her "dad" is actually her keeper, who spends his time committing grisly murders in order to collect the blood she desperately needs to survive. To make matters worse, the police are hot on the trail of the murders, which they suspect are the work of a Satanic cult, and are closing in on Abby and her "father". Owen has some big questions to answer and some big decisions to make as he finds himself between his troubled life and his bloodthirsty girlfriend.

Let Me In is a compelling drama-horror about growing up, standing up for yourself, and, of course, violently killing people and sucking their veins dry. It may feel slow at times, but each time that it does something quickly happens to draw you back in. The vampire is much like those that recent vampire film viewers will remember from 30 Days of Night; fast, strong, and scary sounding. The movie is well done all around and while not incredibly scary, it does have its share of violence and the odd jump as well as some well played suspense.

The movie is also helped by captivating performances by Chloe Moretz (Abby) and Kodi Smit-McPhee (Owen), both of whom come off as very talented. This is definitely one of those horror films where the "bad guy" is also the "good guy", or at least the distinction is not so black and white. A great movie, well worth checking out. Watch for a review of the original Swedish film "Let the Right One In," coming soon.

4.5 dead bullies out of 5
Rated R for strong bloody horror violence, language and a brief sexual situation.

Watch the Let Me In trailer.

Lesbian Vampire Killers (2009)

Two no-hopers. One cursed village. One hell of a night!

Centuries ago, Baron Wolfgang MacLaren slayed the Vampire Queen, Carmilla. But before he could finish her off she placed a curse on both the Baron, and the local villagers,  whereby each of their female descendants would become a lesbian vampire on their 18th birthday.

Fast-forward to the present day; Jimmy and Fletch are two hopeless fellows who are down on their luck. Jimmy has recently been dumped by his emotionally abusive, cheating girlfriend... again. Fletch, meanwhile, has just been fired from his job as a clown for children's parties.

The two friends decide that what they need is a vacation, so they head off to the remote village of Cragwich, which just so happens to be the very same village where the Vampire Queen, Carmilla, was slain. On their journey they encounter a van full of attractive young women including the charming Lotte, and several of her fellow mythology students. They are on their way to Cragwich to study the legend of Carmilla.

Considering themselves quite lucky, Jimmy and Fletch hitch a ride to a cabin where the students are staying and begin to party it up. Things would appear to be going swimmingly, until some of their new found friends go missing. They've been turned into lesbian vampires too, and now the Vampire Queen's hench-women have even more devious plans. It turns out that Jimmy is the last remaining descendant of Wolfgang MacLaren. Using his blood, and that of the virginal Lotte, the vampires intend to resurrect Carmilla so that she may reap her revenge. Only Jimmy, Fletch, Lotte, and a very peculiar vicar, can stop them (and save themselves) before its too late.

Lesbian Vampire Killers is a tongue-in-cheek vampire comedy which uses lesbian sexuality as a gimmick to get people to watch it. The movie doesn't particularly paint a very balanced picture of lesbians. There's lots of lighthearted double entendre jokes about being "turned" which in some way might come off as reinforcing the ridiculous notion that straight people can be turned gay or lesbian through simple exposure to homosexuality. Perhaps not shockingly, it isn't a particularly pro-woman film in general for that matter. Carmilla is proclaimed to be "driven by a hatred of men and a love of women". All the female characters except Lotte are either evil, mere sex objects, or both. It's fairly clear who this movie is appealing to for its audience. Sex and gender politics, and the odd funny moment here and there aside, it was actually... still pretty bad. The real question is will they go through with making a sequel about gay werewolves?

1 milk-filled (WTF?) vampires out of 5

Rated 18A for language, sexual content and horror violence.

 

Watch the Lesbian Vampire Killers trailer. 

Vampyres: Daughters of Darkness (1974)

They shared the pleasures of the flesh, and the horrors of the grave! 

A Vampire couple, Fran and Miriam, stop unsuspecting men on the side of the road by posing as hitchhikers, then lure them to their creepy and secluded mansion. Once inside they feed them copious amounts of wine, have their way with them, and ultimately drink their blood and fake their deaths as car crashes along the road near the house. Apparently the abundance of fatal car crashes all on one little stretch of road doesn't ring any alarm bells with the authorities.

One victim, Ted, seems to become a favourite of Fran's and is kept alive for a number of days, although he is weak from loss of blood. Nonetheless, he starts to get wise to their game as he notices more and more strange behavior on the part of the two women and begins to find unexplained wounds on himself in the morning.

Meanwhile, two American tourists, John and Harriet, are camping near by. Harriet observes the strange goings-on in and around the house and grows suspicious. John believes she simply has an over-active imagination. But one day Ted escapes and makes his way to John and Harriet's trailer to seek help. Now they are forced to face off against the vampires in a life or death fight. 

Vampyres can't boast too much in the plot department and is a bit repetitive with a basic story line which serves only to facilitate from scene to scene of softcore porn and/or violent murders. Overall the movie is well enough done in terms of cast, acting, effects, and a really good setting. With those things combined a really good, scary, vampire movie could have been made. But this isn't it.

1.5 disappointed dead guys out of 5

Rated R/X for nudity, sexual content, and violence.

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Eternal Blood (2002)

This is one tough neighborhood.

Eternal Blood, or "Sangre Eterna", is a Chilean vampire movie about a a group of teenagers who engage in a role playing game by the same name, similar to Dungeons and Dragons. They encounter Dahmer, the drug dealing host of a series of underground parties, the leader of the group, M, suspects him of being a real vampire. As the line between reality and fantasy blurs ever more,  M finds himself grappling for answers: is Dahmer a vampire? are his friends? who can he trust? is a lunar eclipse to blame, or are drugs, or is M just going mad? The situation spirals violently out of control as M's investigations lead him to a startling conclusion.

Reviewers are generally severely polarized between those who love and hate this movie. I, personally, am a fan. Sangre Eterna strays from the usual vampire story plot which we have all seen done time and time again before, sometimes well and sometimes poorly. It keeps you guessing as to what is really going on, which has been cited as a complaint by some reviewers who are obviously fans of cookie-cutter movies with predictable plots and endings. The make up, costumes, and characters are interesting and different. The soundtrack is also kind of cool, featuring Spanish-language metal bands whose music videos are included in the DVD special features. It may take a few minutes to get used to the dubbed-over English, but it is worth it.

4.5 dead guys out of 5
Rated R for strong violence and gore, drug use, sexuality and language.

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Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)

The first testament says "an eye for an eye." - The second testament says "love thy neighbour." - The third testament ... Kicks Ass!!!

Jesus returns to Earth, but his job turns out to be a bit trickier than scripture suggested. The kung-fu fighting (apparently it's true) savior runs up against some serious trouble with a gang of ruffian Vampires who can walk in sunlight and aren't morally offended by taking a swing at God's only begotten son. Luckily he obtains the assistance of a skin-tight jumpsuit wearing heroine and famous Mexican wrestler El Santo. Not sure how the two of them got left out of both the Old and New Testaments. I guess God wanted to leave a few things out just for the purpose of surprise. God the Son also manages to help teach us all a valuable message about equality of sexual orientations, much to the chagrin, no doubt, of the more bigoted amongst his followers.

It's a horror movie, it's a musical, it's a kung-fu flick, it's a comedy, it's low budget, it's... absolutely and utterly bizarre. And, in it's own odd way, it's pretty darn awesome.

5 dead guys out of 5
Not rated. Contains violence.

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