Hobo with a Shotgun (2011)

Delivering justice, one shell at a time...

A hobo rides in to town on a railway car and finds a city over run with criminal depravity. It quickly becomes apparent that the local authorities are in the back pocket of a crime syndicate run by a bloodthirsty psychopath by the name of Drake, and his two disturbed sons Slick, and Ivan.

The hobo soon finds himself caught in the middle of a vicious armed robbery and finds himself stepping up to the plate to deliver justice from the barrel of his 20 gauge shotgun. Soon the hobo is cleaning up the streets one scum bag at a time. "Bum fight" film makers, pimps, murderers, rapists, paedophiles, corrupt cops, and sex trade traffickers, all get what they deserve. No predatory, low life is safe from his righteous vengeance.

But soon Drake takes notice and finds a way to turn up the heat on the hobo in an attempt to put him out of the vigilante business once and for all. The hobo is now pitted against Drake's deranged sons, and The Plague; a team of armour-clad enforcers. But he has an ally; a street wise and highly spirited sex trade worker by the name of Abby. It's a battle to the death, and it isn't going to be pretty.

Part of what makes this film great is that while it is visceral, disturbing, and violent, it also finds opportunities to inject some humour, social commentary, and even some hope into its over-all message. It hasn't been credited by many as being a particularly deep or smart film, but in some ways its got more heart than most of the pulp we are fed these days even if the ending is a bit ambiguous... sequels?

The film was made in Canada and includes some interesting cameos including George Stroumboulopoulos, and Ricky of the Trailer Park Boys. In fact, the acting in this film all-around was not bad. Rutger Hauer was excellent and quite convincing at the hobo, and Molly Dunsworth was wonderful as Abby.

Hobo with a Shotgun is a grindhouse-style exploitation film, but not one without something to say. Yes, much of the film will be too much for the weak of heart. It is violent and troubling. But it is also, in many ways, very real. The evils that our heroic hobo selflessly takes on are real evils that are all too easy to put out of our minds on a day to day basis. But without glorifying, lampooning, or beautifying any of these things, this film makes you look at them dead on and make you consider how these things can happen, where we are headed as a society, and what justice might look like in real life.

Undoubtedly no one man will ever fix up this rotten society, and vigilantism is a slippery slope. But if Hobo with a Shotgun is any indication then we should have taken Tom Morello's advice and armed the homeless years ago.

4 Remington 870's out of 5
Rated R: contains violence, gore, language, drug/alcohol use, nudity, sexuality, disturbing scenes.

Graveyard Alive: A Zombie Nurse in Love (2003)

She's A Man Eater!

A lumberjack turns up at the hospital with an axe lodged in his head and a casual attitude about the situation. He is taken in to the care of the handsome Dr. Dox and the unpopular and plain nurse Patsy. To complicate matters, Dr. Dox is Patsy's ex whom she has never managed to get over. His fiancée, nurse Goodie Tueschuze also works at the hospital and regularly leads the other nurses in ridiculing and bullying poor Patsy.

But Patsy and the patient quickly take a liking for each other. Little does she realize that he's a lumberjack and he's not "OK"; he's a zombie. After a little love nibble Patsy starts to succumb slowly to the zombie contagion as well, and it starts to spread.

But Patsy's transformation comes with unexpected features. The contagion not only turns its victims in to human flesh eaters, but also drastically changes their attitudes. Patsy transforms from the shy, nervous, and introverted outcast and becomes forward, extroverted, and sexy. Now she is the centre of attention, and an object of desire for the sought after Dr. Dox. Meanwhile Patsy is overtaken by two interests; human flesh, and sex.

Driven by jealously, nurse Goodie grows suspicious of her former victim turned rival, but who will believe her jealous accusations? Perhaps the whole hospital will soon be a zombie playground.

Graveyard Alive is a much vaunted, yet difficult to come by, zombie comedy. It comes from director/writer Elza Kephart, and writer Patricia Gomez and was produced in Montreal. As an artsy, black and white, indie film with a feminist message it isn't too hard to grasp why the film is difficult to come by in the prevailing film market. But if you can get a hold of a copy it will be worth your time and money.

The films message seems to be, as the famous quote goes, the radical notion that woman are people. All Patsy wants is to be loved and respected, even as a zombie. At the same time, the film should not be entered in to without a sense of humour. It has been put together as to look and feel like an old school horror show from the costumes, to the script, to the sound track, to the effects. This makes for a fun watching experience, and it also covers the films relatively small budget (the downfall of many a zombie flick) with complete success. By embracing their limitations, the film makers produced a film with multiple artistic and humorous layers that I suspect will become even more appreciated on a second or third viewing.

4.5 meat grinders out of 5
Unrated: contains violence, sexuality.

The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

It is Lifeday on the Wookie home planet of Kashyyyk, and Chewbacca is heading home for the holidays with his friend Han Solo. Meanwhile his family, including his wife, Malla, his Son, Lumpy, and his father, Itchy are preparing for the holidays. Well... Malla is anyhow. Lumpy spends his time being obnoxious, while Itchy mostly grumbles about things and spends some time using a virtual reality fantasy machine given to him by a his friend, Saundan (Art Carney), in what is undoubtedly the most disturbing Star Wars scene to date.

After several minutes of Wookie's talking to each other in their own language without English subtitles, interspersed with scenes, which include substantial recycled footage, of Han and Chewbacca fighting through an imperial blockade of Kashyyyk, the film really starts to break down.

First some storm troopers and imperial guards bust in on Chewbacca's family and cause a nuisance. Eventually they take off, leaving one storm trooper to wait for Chewbacca's return. Meanwhile we get all manner of weird, out of context scenes including a gymnastics performance, a song by Jefferson Starship, and a bar scene on Tatooine featuring Bea Arthur.

In due course Han and Chewbacca make it home for the holidays and throw the storm trooper over the balcony to his death. Then they sing a song about love and good will which at that point sounds a bit cynical. C3PO, R2D2, Luke, and Leia also turn up at this point. Who knows how they got through the imperial blockade so easily...but some questions aren't worth asking.

The Star Wars Holiday Special is a discombobulated mess of scenes that largely make no sense and feel very forced together. Puzzling, troubling, and boring at the worst of times, hilarious at its best, this film distinctly appears to be the result of George Lucas developing the (probably accurate) belief that anything with "Star Wars" written on it would sell like hot cakes in the late 70's.

If possible, it makes The Phantom Menace appear to be a cinematic triumph, and therefore should not really be watched by anyone other than perhaps to quench the undeniable curiosity that surrounds this rare film. Rare, that is to say, because Lucasfilm seems to been helping to make sure you don't have to see this awful movie... by never releasing it on DVD or Blueray. Still, like everything else imaginable, it can be found easily for free online.

0.5 out of 5 Devaronians.
Unrated.

Dead Birds (2004)

There are worse things than dying

A group of soldiers turned bank robbers take refuge in an old house on an abandoned plantation in the Confederate south during the American Civil War. Their plan is to escape to Mexico with their gold, but tensions are high within the group and mistrust is growing.

The outlaws decide to stay the night in the house as it grows dark and a storm approaches. But as the night drags on they begin to have visions of horrible crimes that took place in the abandoned house in past years. Soon it appears that a demonic force has overtaken the property and chances of escape seem increasingly slim.

Director Alex Turner made his full length feature film début with this demonic possession film. The films setting is different, interesting and potentially politically charged, although that aspect is never really delved in to. Instead the plot is focused firmly as a good old haunted house story except the house isn't haunted, it's possessed. Turns out some black magic dabbling went wrong some time back and now all those who enter it will pay the price.

The plot isn't extremely inventive. It's an old tale with a twist, but it does the trick. The characters could have used further development. They are relatively flat, and static. Plus it is difficult to feel terribly sympathetic towards them considering they seem to be a bunch of Union soldiers who have abandoned the war in the interests of their own personal greed. Granted, they do knock off a few Confederates along the way, but at the same time innocents get caught in the cross fire. These aren't exactly a band of heroes.

Either way, they eventually start to drop like flies, and you will find yourself trying to keep track of where each one and who is dead, or might be, because it gets a bit scattered. Finally it winds towards its abrupt and somewhat confusing conclusion and the viewer is left shrugging, but still a bit tempted to check under the bed at night. Dead Birds won't blow your mind, but it does offer up numerous, if predictable, jumps and jolts.

3 creepy kids out of 5
Rated R for strong violence and gore.

Captain Kronos - Vampire Hunter (1974)

The Only Man Alive Feared by the Walking Dead!

A vampire hunter known as Captain Kronos, and his hunchbacked sidekick Grost, travel to a small village where young women have been found mysteriously drained of their youth, turned old and frail. Kronos deduces that the women are the victims of a particular variety of vampire, which feeds by sucking the life out of their victims with a kiss.

Kronos meets a beautiful woman by the name of Carla, who joins their investigatory team. Soon they find themselves at the Duward Estate, where a pair of young siblings are caring for their elderly mother. Kronos suspects something is fishy, could it be that there is more to the Duward's than meets the eye?

Captain Kronos - Vampire Hunter has sometimes been referred to as the fourth installment in Hammer Horror's Karnstein trilogy. Technically this is not accurate. There's a reason it is a trilogy; it's because there are three films. A fourth film had been intended by Hammer, but it never made it past the earliest stages of development. While Captain Kronos does include some similar themes, and does end up mentioning the Karnstein name, it is not actually part of the same series, and there are several key differences between this film and the other three.

First of all, this film is substantially cheesier. While the originals attempted to maintain a level of seriousness, Kronos errors on the side of total camp. Also, the vampires are completely different. This film claims there are several types of vampires who feed in different ways and must be killed by different means. Not the case in the Karnstein films. This film is also toned down a fair bit from the Karnstein films. It includes negligible violence, and substantially toned down sexuality - although the relationship between those Duward siblings does seem a bit creepy at times. Furthermore, this film was not written by the same man, Tudor Gates, who wrote the Karnstein stories.

Over all, Captain Kronos is pretty bad. The dialogue is ridiculous, the effects are cheesy, the acting is nothing to write home about. There is a plot twist, a substantial sword fight, and some kind of neat imagery of the villains demise at the end as well if you can hang on till then. Otherwise this film, and its swashbuckling, womanizing hero is, at best, good for a light-hearted chuckle.

1.5 cross-swords out of 5
Rated R: contains violence, mild sexuality.

The Descent (2005)

Face Your Deepest Fear

A year after a tragic accident which claimed the lives of her family, a young woman, Sarah, goes on a trip with five friends to explore a remote cave. But when they become trapped within the cave it soon becomes clear that they are not alone. They have become the prey of a strange race of hungry, bat-like creatures and their only chance of survival is to fight back.

The Descent is an excellent film for a variety of reasons.First, the film successfully creates a sense of claustrophobia which is palpable to the viewer and is comparable with few other films other than perhaps The Thing. It then introduces a pack of predatory monsters which threaten to make a meal of the characters.

What makes this even more effective is that the viewer actually gives a crap what happens to the characters, and especially to the main protagonist, Sarah. This is because the time has been taken to develop the characters as human beings with emotions, interests, thoughts, and group dynamics. The even more interesting thing about this is that the protagonists are all women, and "unconventional" ones at that who do not fit the sexist cookie-cutter persona used in so many other films. After all, these sisters like to hang out, talk about real things, drink beer, and enjoy extreme sports. Plus, they are tough as fuck and once the time comes to kick ass, they do so pretty effectively from start to finish even if not everyone makes it out alive.

The movie is well made. Good acting, believable dialogue, good effects and really cool looking bat-like humanoid monsters. It's got action, gore, and a few jumps thrown in. It also has a somewhat ambiguous conclusion which leaves the door open for a sequel which has indeed been produced and released. I, for one, am looking forward to checking it out.

4.5 pick axes to the head out of 5
Rated R for strong violence/gore and language.

The Children (2008)

You brought them into this world. Now ... they will take you out.

Two families gather at a remote cabin for a relaxing Christmas get away. Little do they know that their merry making is soon to be horribly disrupted when their children turn violently against them.

Now what would have been a vacation is becoming a tale of horror, pitting parents against their children in a battle for survival. Only the teenage Casey appears to be both immune from the virus which is turning the children homicidal, and also intelligent enough to figure out what is going on, and act.

So... some film makers were sitting around in a room one day thinking up new horror movies and clearly someone figured that Children of the Corn was popular... why not remove the corn, set the film during Christmas... voila!

Well, sort of. The Children keeps the viewer in suspense for a while towards the start of the film. It's plain to see what is about to happen, but you are left wondering how it will start, and when.

Once it does get started, the film is heavy on gory death scenes, and plays heavily on the horror of parents and children fighting each other to the death. But something about the film just doesn't quite click.

It might be that the characters are all so frustratingly blind to see what is clearly taking place that it becomes hard to sympathise with them. Or it might be that a movie based on a single shocking concept quickly loses its shock value.

Either way, the only character that really establishes a significant connection with the viewer is Casey (Hannah Tointon), the teenage daughter who is the only one with the brains to sort out what is happening and act on it. Much of the film focuses on her and as a result a connection is made that doesn't really exist with the rest of the characters. What does evade reason is why exactly, other than to exploit her physical beauty for the purpose of selling films, she spends the whole film in an extremely short skirt despite being outside in the snow in the middle of winter. Doesn't make a heck of a lot of sense coming from the only character who on every point, except her attire, seems to be the only one with any common sense.

The Children is ultimately a decent, but largely forgettable film which aims to find new shocks in old material.

2.5 doll stomach implants out of 5
Rated R for disturbing bloody violent content, terror, language and brief drug use.

Lust for a Vampire (1971)

A vampire's lust knows no boundaries...

The year is 1830. It has been forty years since the last case of vampirism terrorised the quaint English hamlet near Karnstein castle. But now the heirs of the Karnstein name have shed the blood of a virgin in a sacrifice that will bring back the dreaded vampire Carmilla, who has been dead since 1710.

Under the anagram name Mircalla, Carmilla takes to a nearby women-only Finishing School where youthful blood is bountiful and her vampirism can go unnoticed, with the assistance of a obsessed headmaster desperate to serve her, a love-stricken and fool-hearty author, and a headmistress desperate to avoid any bad press for her beloved, and profitable, school.

Lust for a Vampire is the second film in Hammer's Karnstein Trilogy. The film remains true to the basic line of the rest of the series. Namely, beautiful female vampires who are out to kill, but also have time for some sexy times and a fair bit of wandering about topless on the side. The theme sounds dreadfully kitschy, and in large part it is. But the films remain entertaining and watch able because of their quality sets, costumes, acting, plot lines, and settings.

It would be easy to bank on gore and sex alone, and undoubtedly Hammer was in the business of trying to catch up with competitors in the genre on those points during this period. But the films retain a feeling of legitimacy nonetheless, because of those quality aspects. Let's face it; there's something to be said for retaining a sense of legitimacy as a film despite operating under a title like Lust for a Vampire.

Noticeably missing from this instalment of the series is Hammer stalwart Peter Cushing, who was apparently caring for his ill wife at the time of shooting and therefore had to be replaced. Still, the cast pulls off its roles well. This includes Carmilla herself, played by the very beautiful, and not untalented, Yutte Stensgaard, whose brief career spanned the late 60's and early 70's and mostly included television programmes. It is not unlikely that this is the best thing her talents were put to use in.

The film does, however, have some down sides. Compared with The Vampire Lovers, and Twins of Evil, Lust for a Vampire is a bit slow going at times. Not painfully, but noticeably. There is also an increased focus on the love story aspect between Carmilla and the hopeless author turned teacher Richard Lestrange. The sound track is also pretty awful. In the end Lust for a Vampire is perhaps the worst of the trilogy, but is still a decent film, especially when compared with modern day vampire film turds such as Twilight.

3 "heart attacks" out of 5
Rated R: contains violence, nudity, sexuality.

Tremors (1990)

The ultimate underground movie. It will leave you legless!

Valentine and Earl, a pair of down and out handy men, accidentally discover a giant worm-like creature which has begun to pick off the residents of their small, secluded town. Matters go from bad to worse when a seismologist, who had been sent to the area to investigate the unusual tremors that were being caused by the monster, discovers that it is not alone.

The road is blocked, the phones are down, and the situation looks grim. Now Valentine, Earl, a greedy shop keeper, a pair of gun nuts, an obnoxious teenager, and other members of the towns tiny populace, must find a way to escape without becoming worm food.

From a horror fans perspective, it would be easy to be pretty sceptical about this film. It's written by the same people as Short Circuit. It's directed by the guy who did City Slickers. And it's starring Kevin Bacon of, among other things, Footloose. But don't let those credentials dissuade you.

Tremors is a giant monster movie with a comedic twist. It is far from the only, or even the first (see Blood Beach) giant worm movie to be released. But it might be one of the most fun ones.

The characters, over the top as they may be, are likeable and entertaining. In particular, the main characters Valentine (Kevin Bacon), and Earl (Fred Ward), but also the two survivalist loonies played by Reba McEntire and Michael Gross. By way of useless trivia, the movie also co-stars Ariana Richards, who went on to act in Jurassic Park.

The monsters, which incidentally look nothing like the image on the cover, are rank, monsterous worms with horrid snapping tentacles protruding from their mouths. Everything is pretty tame on the gore front here, but there are some pretty nasty looking worm explosions.

The film is a horror-comedy through and through. Even its darkest moments are quickly relieved by an antic or a one liner. This isn't the one if you are in the mood for a gritty, scary, gore fest. But with that said, Tremors as still a funny, entertaining, family friendly, monster flick. And if you like it and just can't get enough, fear not... three sequels have followed and a fourth is rumoured to be on the way.

4 stampedes out of 5
PG-13 for intense, creature violence/gore and language.

Zombie Lake (1981)

God help us if they rise again!

Zombie Lake is an early 80's French film about a group of zombified nazi soldiers returning from their watery grave to seek vengeance. This review will contain spoilers as I find it difficult to review this film without touching on the full breadth of its absurdity.

The film begins with a beautiful young woman stripping bare and going foolishly going swimming in a grimy looking lake which clearly has a warning sign, which she removes, that warns against doing so. Of course there's a zombie in there who attacks and kills her. If they know there's zombies in there, would they not put up more than a sign?

When the woman is noticed missing, they decide to wait a day and see if she turns up before contacting the mayor. The mayor!?! Have they never heard of the police? Then when she does not turn up and her clothes are found abandoned on the beach, the mayor decides to give it another day to see if she arrives before contacting the police. This case is being investigated about as thoroughly as the Pickton Farm! When they finally do call in a couple of investigators they are bumbling fools who are slaughtered about two scenes later. Meanwhile, many more naked or scantily clad women are killed.

The zombies themselves are of the green face-paint variety with a spattering of latex wounds thrown in for good measure. Unfortunately the make up is not only highly cheesy, but also poorly done. On numerous occasions you can clearly see where the make up ends and clean skin begins. On other occasions you can plainly see that the make up is washing off in the water. They get a couple of cooler looking zombies towards the end, but over all it is pretty bad.

Worse yet, when they kill their victims (who always seem to be women), they always do so by biting them on the neck... often is prolonged, unnecessarily drawn out scenes. The film alternately calls the villains "ghosts" and "zombies"... but never vampires... which their method of attack seems to suggest.

Then we get to the part where the main zombie character, a nazi soldier, is humanized thoroughly. He falls in love with a French woman and they make love in an extremely drawn out soft core scene. It later turns out he impregnated her. She dies, but the baby lives. As the nazi's flee the advancing allies, they have five minutes to stop by the house so he can say bye to them... you'd think they would be in a bigger hurry.

Anyhow, as they flee they are ambushed by the French resistance, who has the decency to rid the planet of every single one of them. Then the resistance decides they have to hide the evidence... but they are in a hurry... so to save time, they just throw the bodies in the lake. Thus is explained how they got down there and somehow subsequently became zombies.

What's worse, the nazi is then humanized yet again when he returns to life and visits the home of his deceased lover, then protects his daughter from the others. Apparently there are good nazi's and bad nazi's... who knew. Apparently there are also good zombies and bad zombies... who knew again! The film would have benefited from skipping the entirely asinine idea of a zombie love story. Plus the undead lover boy in question was the doucheyest looking zombie of the lot, which didn't help matters. I found this humanization, this sympathetic tone towards the lead zombie to be a bit unsettling and rather odd coming from a film made in France, a country which suffered horribly under nazi occupation.

On top of all this, the film is horribly edited. The scenes cut abruptly and don't flow well at all. The dubbing is bad, and the acting is bad enough that it is noticeable even in a different language. The film chugs along slowly, but eventually the villagers unite to destroy their greenish foes. It is in no way a good movie, but yet is somehow watch-able, if only once. One word of advice, however; do not watch this film alone. It would be much more fun in a group as a drinking game.

1 pair of soggy jack boots out of 5
Rated R: contains extensive full nudity, violence.

The Number 23 (2007)

The Truth Will Find You

Walter Sparrow (Jim Carrey)gets off late from his job as an animal control officer to meet his wife. While she was waiting, she browsed a local book store and found a book, which she purchases for Walter. It's a novel, a murder mystery, which loops repeatedly back to the number 23.

The book quickly captivates Walter. He becomes obsessed with it. It starts to fill his dreams and he begins to feel that everything in his life goes back to that same number; 23. As his obsession grows, he starts to believe that this is no novel, but rather an account of true events which was somehow meant to fall in to his hands. He feels he must solve the mystery once and for all, and bring the killer to justice. But as he delves deeper into the mystery, the danger posed to himself, and his family, grows.

The Number 23 is a mystery/thriller that places comedic actor Jim Carrey in to a serious role as an obsessed self-assigned investigator. He pulls it off pretty well. The rest of the acting is pretty strong as well. The film also features a fairly strong plot and a successfully executed mystery which is not definitively revealed until the last minutes of the film - even if you are sure once or twice that you know what's up. An unlikely, but entertaining movie.

3 dog bites out of 5
Rated R for violence, disturbing images, sexuality and language

The Vampire Lovers (1970)

Even the Dead Can Love

Marcilla, the young beautiful daughter of a Countess, is taken on as a house guest by General von Spielsdorf. Soon after her arrival, villagers begin to turn up dead. As the General's own daughter falls ill and becomes weak and pale, whispers begin to spread through the village about the legendary Karnstein family - vampires who once terrorized the land.

Marcilla soon finds a new family to take her in and becomes close with their teenage daughter who soon begins to meet the same fate as the General's daughter. von Spielsdorf becomes suspicious and seeks the assistance of Baron Hartog, who once laid waste to the Karnstein's, and now believes one may have survived.

The Vampire Lovers is the first of Hammer's Karnstein trilogy. As noted in my review of Twins of Evil, Hammer attempted with this series and some other films of the day to break in to the modern horror market, which was evolving quickly around them.

As such, The Vampire Lovers is chock-full of beautiful scantily clad women, sexuality, and increased violence. By today's standards, and even by those of the 1970's, the violence is actually quite mild. The sexuality, on the other hand, is perhaps less so. There's nothing particularly explicit going on, but these films are noted for their strong themes of lesbian sexuality, and they definitely pushed the envelope in terms of same-sex action in non-X rated movies at the time.

Unfortunately it is all presented in a pretty negative light over-all. Even though the film makers clearly cranked up the sex volume on purpose to draw in viewers, lesbian sexuality is definitely presented as something that is tied in with evil and villainy - the demonic Marcilla corrupting the young daughters of the village. Not exactly your positive messaging to say the least.

Otherwise, The Vampire Lovers is an entertaining film. It has all the makings of the usual lovable Hammer flick; great sets, wonderful gothic atmosphere, a trustworthy cast of the usual suspects, and a reasonably well thought out plot. Generally a well done, compelling opening shot to one of Hammer's later film series.

3.5 decapitations out of 5
Rated R for violence, frightening scenes, sexuality, nudity.

Army of Darkness (1992)

In an age of darkness. At a time of evil. When the world needed a hero. What it got was him.

Having been sucked through a vortex and in to the dark ages, Ash finds himself captured by knights who believe him to be allied with an enemy kingdom. But they soon come to believe he is the chosen one, sent from the heavens to defeat the Deadites who plague them.

In order to do so, and to get back home, Ash must quest for the Necronomicon and speak the magic words that will free it in to his possession. But when something goes wrong, he accidentally unleashes an army of Deadite soldiers led by an evil version of himself. Now he has to stop the Deadite conquest using his limited 20th century equipment and technology, combined with the weapons and tactics of the day.

Army of Darkness is a direct sequel to Evil Dead 2, which ended with Ash finding himself stranded hundreds of years in the past. The film is a bit toned down in terms of gore, and continues the trend of the previous film in terms of increasing humour. Yet it does so in a way that, unlike some series that went a similar direction, remains appealing and a lot of fun. Ash is now the bad ass he has been gradually becoming, and is placed in a situation which forces him to take on the stereotypical heroic quest and battle against evil.

While Army of Darkness is a great film, it still doesn't compare to the original Evil Dead. But we can all tingle a little with excitement about the recent news that there will be a new Evil Dead film released in 2013. Reportedly it does include Bruce Campbell, although details are few and far between as to whether it will be a new sequel, or a remake/reboot.

5 S Marts out of 5
Rated R for violence and horror.

Evil Dead 2 (1987)

Kiss Your Nerves Good-Bye!

A young supermarket attendant named Ash takes his girlfriend, Linda, to a secluded cabin in the woods for a romantic get away. But when Ash finds a tape recorder containing a recording of a professor reciting passages from an ancient text, the Necronomicon, he soon realizes it has accidentally unleashed ancient demonic spirits.

The spirits possess Linda, turning her in to a hideous Deadite, and the night just gets worse from there. Soon the professor's daughter arrives with a peculiar entourage and they begin to get knocked off and/or possessed one by one. Finally Ash is forced to make his transition from supermarket attendant to chainsaw wielding, boom stick blasting, super hero in order to defeat the Deadites and stay alive.

While Evil Dead 2 does not follow from the story line of the first film, it shares many similarities in terms of plot. So, it isn't a sequel in the strictest sense, but neither is it really a remake. It's more of a re-visioning of Evil Dead with a bigger budget, more special effects, and a heavy dose of slapstick.

Evil Dead 2 holds true to the basics of the series as laid out in the original Evil Dead and its little known predecessor, Within the Woods, but it is a lot more fun and less scary than the original. In that sense there is a major shift in focus which continued through the third film, Army of Darkness. Of course this is also the film wherein Ash begins to transform into the cocky, arrogant, but also goofy, tough guy as opposed to the quivering scaredy cat who spends way too much time trapped under bookcases in the first film.

This film is undoubtedly a classic, part of one of the most widely known and loved horror series in history. What's not to love; chainsaw hands, flying eyeballs, blood geysers, you name it. But for me, it will always be second to the scarier, grittier, original Evil Dead, which did so much with so little and did it all so well.

5 flying eyeballs out of 5
Unrated: contains violence, gore, frightening scenes, nudity, language.

The Haunting in Connecticut (2009)

Some things cannot be explained.

The Campbell family moves to Connecticut in order to be closer to the hospital where their son, Matt, must regularly travel for cancer treatments. But they don't know that the charming old Victoria house they have taken up residence in was formerly a funeral parlour, and no ordinary one at that. In fact, it was the site of some unspeakable horrors. To make matters worse, the former owners son, Jonah, was a clairvoyant who communicated with the dead.

Matt begins to have frightening dreams and visions, but the family initially believes that they are the side effects of an experimental treatment that he is undergoing. However, as time passes, the visions become all to real and the spirits that haunt the house make themselves known to the family as a whole. They call on Reverend Popescu (Elias Koteas) for assistance in the hopes of exorcising the spirits from the house, and saving Matt's fragile life.

The tagline quite correctly states that "some things cannot be explained". I agree in full. For example, it is inexplicable that horror film promoters continue to peddle the ridiculous line that these movies are "based on a true story".

Was Jaw's "based on a true story"? Yes, sometimes people get bit by sharks. Was King Kong? Yes, some people went to a jungle and brought back an ape. Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Of course, Ed Gein killed people and wore their skins. Is this movie "based on a true story"? Sure, some people think they saw some ghosts. In actuality, Ray Garton, the author of the book on which the film is based, has distanced himself from the accuracy of the events portrayed therein.

The movie itself, however, isn't too bad. It's creepy, and it has a good number of jumps throughout. But it doesn't quite manage to sustain its suspense. Most of the scariest content is actually in the first half of the film because by the time you get to the second half you have already seen it all, there is no mystery left. It is also a dramatic film, with the family struggling with the difficulties associated with Matt's worsening cancer. This too is effective enough but, as with the horror level, only insofar as to make this a decent, but unmemorable film.

2.5 eyelids out of 5
Rated PG-13 for some intense sequences of terror and disturbing images

The Thing (2011)

It's not human. Yet.

A small group of American's, including Palaeontologist Kate Lloyd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead), and helicopter pilot Sam Carter (Joel Edgerton), join a Norwegian expedition in the Antarctic. The expedition has discovered something phenomenal; what appears to be an alien space craft buried for thousands of years under the ice.

Even more amazing is what they find next; an alien life form preserved in the frozen tundra. They extract the specimen and take a tissue sample before leaving it in cold storage inside their base. What they don't realize is that it is still alive.

Soon they have a highly dangerous, highly aggressive alien life form inside their base. To make matters worse, it has the ability to replicate its victims, thereby hiding amongst its prey completely unseen. The team quickly begins to succumb to terror, paranoia, and infighting as the thing strikes again and again. It seems that only the level headed Kate has what it takes to lead what is left of the expedition to survival, if it's not already too late.

Before anyone gets uppity about this "remake" of The Thing, please be informed/reminded that in fact John Carpenter's very excellent 1982 film by the same name was in fact a remake in its own right. If you don't believe this then you haven't yet heard of the 1951 film The Thing From Another World. Good, now that the groaning about it being a remake and being too much like John Carpenter's film have been laid to rest, let's look at the merits of the film itself.

This version of The Thing is actually a prequel to the original film. In Carpenter's film, the thing comes to an American outpost in the form of a dog which comes from a nearby Norwegian outpost which they later learn has been destroyed. This film actually takes us through the original discovery of the creature by the Norwegians, the events leading to their destruction, and its escape.

But at the same time, and without copying exactly from the previous film, the 2011 version of The Thing is of course very similar to Carpenters in many ways. Even some of the scenes and story line progression are very similar to Carpenters. In this way the film pays homage to Carpenter's classic, without remaking it scene for scene.

The Thing is relatively successful in capturing the suspense and claustrophobia of its 1982 counterpart. Nobody, including the viewer, knows where, or who, the thing may be at any moment... or when it may strike again. But where Carpenter focused on the psychological aspect, leaving the viewers imagination to do some of the work, this film is a lot more in your face with the gore, and the creature itself. The original shocked viewers with scenes like the severed head that sprouted legs and crawled away. This film takes that kind of imagery to the extreme, piling on the cool visuals of the thing and its attacks.

The Thing is well worth checking out for fans of the 1982 film, and others who are in to sci-fi inspired horror films.

4 flame-throwers out of 5
Rated R for strong creature violence and gore, disturbing images, and language

Twins of Evil (1971)

One Uses Her Beauty For Love! One Uses Her Lure For Blood!

It is the 19th Century, and two orphaned young women, stunning twins named Frieda and Maria, arrive in a European village to live with their uncle Gustav Weil. Maria is conservative and obedient, while her sister Frieda is rebellious and adventurous. Their uncle, a paranoid religious fanatic, trusts neither of them. He leads a group of puritan loonies who roam the country side burning alive anyone who they decide may be a witch, or other supposed servant of the devil.

What they don't know is that while they are out setting fire to innocent peasants and unfortunate young women, the local Lord, Count Karnstein, is a real life evil doer who is operating right under their noses. But Karnstein soon takes notice of the twins, especially Frieda, who has also caught the eye of local sceptic, Anton. Karnstein aims to take her under his devil worshipping wing, and soon the stage is set for an old fashioned "good" vs. "evil" showdown.

Twins of Evil is one of Hammer's later films, which were marked by a significant increase in nudity, sexuality, and violence as was increasingly the norm in horror films of the day. The films gore level is certainly above that of some earlier Hammer films, but this is the same year that films like Blood Freak, A Clockwork Orange, and Tombs of the Blind Dead, were released and on this front Hammer simply could not keep up. In terms of sex appeal, on the other hand, this one must have blown away the competition. Hammer's efforts to keep up with the times ultimately failed, but that didn't necessarily mean that their productions during the later years weren't still entertaining.

This film, for example, is highly watch-able all around. The performances, particularly those of Peter Cushing (Gustav), Damien Thomas (Karnstein), David Warbeck (Anton), and the twins (Mary and Madeline Collinson), were all quite good. The characters were compelling, if a bit static.

The dark, gothic atmosphere of the Hammer film is still present here, and that adds to the films charm. The same goes for the costumes and sets, all of which help to complete the over-all feel of the movie successfully.

Of course the trouble ultimately is that both the "good" guys and "bad" guys are pretty difficult to root for. They are both crazed religious nuts who kill innocent people. At least the bad guys look hot while doing it. In the end though, the real good characters win the day and everyone else gets their due.

Even if Hammer was in decline in these later years, films like this one are still entertaining and fun to watch. As it turns out, Twins of Evil was part of the Karnstein Trilogy. Rest assured the other two films will be reviewed soon.

3.5 human sacrifices out of 5
Rated R: contains violence, nudity, sexuality.

Gravestoned (2009)

Finally. A Horror Film for Stoners.

Two down and out stoners are trying to make their way into the movie business by providing props to a pompous director who is working on a new horror film. They are assigned to come up with a realistic-looking severed arm prop for one of the movies grisly scenes. But when the director doesn't find any of the props to be sufficiently realistic, the two pot heads hatch a hair-brained scheme to use a real arm instead.

They obtain a cadaver through a relative who can apparently obtain just about anything, and then they remove the arm using a chainsaw. The director is impressed, but there's just one problem. The cadaver has become a zombie and it wants its arm back. Now the stoners and the film crew, including a cast of jocks and cheerleaders, must survive a night in a cemetery while being stalked by a machete wielding zombie.

When I randomly selected this film out of a stack of zombie movies, it was the luck of the draw. In this case - bad luck. Gravestoned is as stupid as the title would imply. The film starts out with two scantily clad young women speaking valley girl dialect searching for a pair of missing panties in a crypt. A strange glow beams from behind a creaky old door. They open it, scream, and the screen goes blank. There is little improvement from that point forward.

Let's start with the characters. We have a few asinine pot heads, a ridiculous movie director, and from there it gets worse. The rest of the characters are essentially the cast of the film they are supposed to be making. The male characters are a bunch of dim witted jocks, and the female characters are supposed to be cheerleaders. Neither group contains any likeable characters. The dialogue is poorly written, and poorly delivered. The acting is atrocious.

What about the monster? Well, it is supposed to be a zombie. I guess it is since it apparently starts out as a cadaver. Then, without explanation, it returns from the dead. But if it is looking for brains it is about to be sorely disappointed by this cast of characters. Anyhow, then it picks up a machete and starts using that to kill its victims. Apparently the director couldn't decide if this would be a slasher movie or a zombie movie so it became some unfortunate hybrid, neither aspect of which was effective.

The dim witted characters ultimately file one by one into a mysterious crypt only to be slaughtered, mostly off screen. The unfortunate thing is that some of the characters survived. If there is a sequel, I will not be watching it.

Gravestoned has been marketed as "a horror film for stoners". Presumably this movie is supposed to be more entertaining if you are stoned. But I wasn't, and I have serious doubts that it would have made a lot of difference. The reality is that this movie is a snore fest which attempts to rely on inane drug humour, objectification of young pretty women, and a fairly pathetic zombie in place of things like plot, suspense, character development, atmosphere, and scares. Stoner or not, my advice is to avoid this unfortunate production at all costs.

0 Scottish Terriers out of 5
Not rated: contains violence, language, drug content.

Zombiez (2005)

They Are Dying to Live

Josephine, a worker on what appears to be some sort of construction site, finds herself on the run from bloodthirsty, blade wielding, zombies. The fiends first overrun her workplace, attacking her co-workers and her dick-bag boss, then chase her as she frantically searches for her husband. Ultimately Josephine must fight off the zombies or become zombie chow.

I'd like to tell you more about the plot, but there isn't any more to tell. The film never explains why the zombies have become zombies, where they came from, why they want to eat people, or why they use weapons. The film just sort of starts, things happen, and it ends again. No back story, no real plot, no serious character development.

The "zombies" deserve some commentary. We know they are supposed to be zombies because the title of the film is Zombiez. Presumably the film makers felt that misspelling the title would make the film look cool, and "urban" to potential viewers. Regardless, the "zombies" look more like mentally ill cannibals, and they sound like pug dogs with emphysema. The don't look or act like they are undead, they just act like crazy people who want to eat other humans. And what is with the ridiculous sickles and meat cleavers they are using? They look like they are made of plastic and bought from a Halloween costume shop. In fact, I am certain that is exactly the case.

The acting and effects are no better. I won't say they are worse, although that would be an accomplishment in itself. Zombiez is one more to throw on the pile of utter garbage zombie films that have been getting pumped out right left and centre as of late in an attempt to capitalize on the resurgent popularity enjoyed by the undead. Avoid this one unless you have always wondered just how bad something really can be while still getting released on DVD.

0.5 plastic sickles out of 5
Rated R for violence/gore, language and some nudity

Nightmares in Red, White, and Blue: The Evolution of the American Horror Film (2009)

Nightmares in Red, White, and Blue explores the evolution of American horror cinema from the gothic monster films of the early 1900's, to the extremes of modern horror. The film features clips from many of the most influential and well known horror movies, as well as a few lesser known gems, plus interviews with some of the genres greatest directors.

What makes this documentary so valuable is not only its production values and its great interviews, but also that it doesn't just examine where the genre started and where it is today. It also tackles the more important question; why. Nightmares looks at the conditions in a given era that gave rise to the horror films of the day. The American Dream is counter-posed with the reality of the all-too-often American nightmare; war, violence, consumerism, excess, poverty, etc. We are then made to examine how that nightmare has been reflected consciously or subconsciously on film, forcing us to face its unpleasant realities.

In this sense, Nightmares is one of the most in depth, analytical, and fascinating documentaries on horror cinema I have yet seen. It leaves the viewer with plenty to think about, and a curiosity about where we are going next.

5 American nightmares out of 5
Unrated: contains violence/gore, frightening scenes, sexuality, nudity, language. 

The Last House on the Left (1972)

To avoid fainting, keep repeating: It's Only A Movie, It's Only A Movie, It's Only A Movie.

Mari and her friend Phyllis travel to a sketchy part of town for a concert on the eve of Mari's seventeenth birthday. They set out to find some weed on the way to the show. But to their great misfortune, they find themselves lured by the promise of Colombian grass into the hideout of escaped convicts Krug Stillo, and Fred "Weasel" Podowski, as well as their partner in crime Sadie and Krug's addict son, Junior.

The band of ingrates kidnap the girls and rape Phyllis. The next morning, they pile the young women in the trunk of their car with the intention of fleeing to Canada to escape the American authorities. But their car breaks down on the side of the road and they decide that it is time to dispose of their unwilling guests. Mari and Phyllis are raped, tortured, and murdered while incompetent police fail miserably to successfully track down the missing women.

Then the miscreants walk to a nearby house where they talk their way into a hot meal and a place to stay the night. What they don't initially realize is that they have taken refuge in the home of Mari's family, and her parents soon begin to piece together what has happened and prepare to give the killers their just deserts.

Last House on the Left was horror master Wes Craven's debut film as director. While not a particularly frightening film, it is undoubtedly gut wrenching, enraging, and difficult to view. For many people, the tag line may therefore hold true.

In particular, the scenes which span Mari and Phyllis' capture to their eventual demise take up much of the first half of the film and are particularly horrid and disturbing. They are clearly designed to horrify the audience and build feelings of hatred towards the films antagonists in order to prepare them for the bloodbath that is to come. They are highly effective in this regard.

The sickening scenes of violence, rape, and humiliation are interspersed needlessly with bad 70's rock and the slapstick hillbilly comedy of the bumbling police and a kooky chicken farmer. These distractions fail to weaken the films brutality or add effective comic relief, and could have been left out altogether.

Ultimately the bad guys get what they have coming to them, but it doesn't feel all that satisfying after what has happened, especially given that the girls are dead and vengeance won't change that fact for their parents, whose fate is left up in the air as well at the films closure.

The Last House on the Left has been frequently cited as one of the most controversial films of all time. It has been called depraved, obscene, and misogynistic amongst other things. There is no doubt that the acts depicted in the film are all of these things, but whether or not this also means that the film itself is must be another question.

It is true that the young women in The Last House on the Left are depicted in a manner that is far from liberating. They talk to each other about little more than boys and their breasts, and are only interested in partying. At the same time, it feels implied that their behaviour, namely going to a bad part of town, not wearing bras, drinking, and attempting to buy weed, led them to trouble. There is no explicit implication that this means what befalls them is their own fault, but it does highlight a common reactionary theme in horror films which seems to be that premarital sex and partying will put you on the wrong side of a bad guys machete.

So on the one hand, the villains are depicted as foul, despicable beings and their actions are depicted as cruel, grotesque, and wrong. At the same time, the young women are depicted as weak, shallow, victims. Even Mari's mother, during the revenge scenes, is only able to defeat her adversaries either using seduction, or by fighting Sadie, the female villain. Is the film purposefully misogynistic? Maybe not, but it is undoubtedly sexist in its depiction of women.

This film has often been compared to I Spit on Your Grave, which was released just a few years later. Both films are based on the rape/revenge premise. While Last House is even more gruesome and troubling in its violence, I Spit on Your Grave is perhaps more effective and positive.

For one thing, the protagonist in I Spit on Your Grave survives and obtains revenge against her attackers on her own. She is much less the helpless victim, and by the end of the film the viewer can feel a little less hollow than at the end of Last House. Regardless, this is a film that is not for the weak of heart, and is for those who want not necessarily to be scared, but certainly to be horrified.

2 chainsaws out of 5
Unrated: contains sexual content, nudity, violence, disturbing scenes, language, drug and alcohol content.

Exorcismus (2010)

Fifteen year old Emma begins to suffer from horrible fits of convulsions, and frightening visions. Her behaviour deteriorates and becomes violent. Tests and examinations fail to shed any light on the cause. When Emmma is sent to see a psychoanalyst, she has her cousin secretly record the session. But something terrible happens that Emma is unable to recall, and the doctor dies during the session. As the situation continues to spiral out of control, Emma listens to the recording of the session and begins to believe that she is possessed by the devil.

Her conservative parents refuse to believe her, instead believing she is just acting out or, thinking logically, that there must be some medical explanation. But Emma is convinced, and she seeks the help of her Uncle Christopher, a Priest, for an exorcism. Her parents are wary, particularly since a young boy died during one of Christopher's previous exorcisms.

But ultimately they are convinced and the exorcism begins, leading to a classic confrontation between good and evil which is fraught with plot twists and surprises.

Exorcismus has received mixed reviews and has been greeted with hopefulness by many horror fans. After all, it comes to us from the producers of [Rec], which was a major success and a highly effective horror film. At the same time, Exorcism movies will undoubtedly be compared to The Exorcist for time immemorial. In this case, the comparison is apt.

In both films, a female youth is possessed by a demon, or the devil. This leads to strange and violent behaviour, speaking in strange voices, levitating, and so forth. In both cases a priest is brought in to save the day. In both cases this is looked on with suspicion until the parent(s) see it for themselves. One could go on.

There are a few differences as well. In Exorcismus, the main possessed protagonist is not an innocent young girl, but a rebellious teenager, a young woman with a mind of her own whose rebellion against her controlling parents leads her to trouble. This takes something away from the effect of horror at the transformation from a total innocent into a monster. It also arguably sends a negative message to the viewer about blind obedience to authority.

The plot is also more complex, perhaps in an effort to stand out from the recent slew of exorcism themed films. But the jumping around and the attempts at shocking plot twists take away from what The Exorcist did so well. This film fails to build in intensity and horror as it progresses. Instead it chugs along at more or less the same pace and intensity until its conclusion. If nothing else, at least there is a clear reason why the devil would possess this young woman, but to say what it is would be a spoiler.

Much of the acting is will done. Sophie Vavasseur's performance as Emma was well performed overall. The same can be said of her parents (Richard Felix, Jo-Anne Stockham), the Priest (Stephen Billington), and her stunning cousin, Rose (Isamaya French).

Unfortunately the good performances fail to make up for the otherwise lacking film. Exorcismus just doesn't deliver on the scares and brings little new to a sub-genre of film that has been increasingly bombarded with new offerings in recent years.

2 levitations out of 5
Not rated: contains violence, frightening scenes, language.

Black Sheep (2006)

There are 40 million sheep in New Zealand... and they're pissed off!

Harry Olfield's calm and ordinary childhood as the son of a sheep farmer was met with tragedy when his father died in a freak accident. Fifteen years, and numerous sheep-phobia sessions later, Harry has returned to the family farm. But things have changed back home while he has been away. His greedy and selfish brother, Angus, is now running the show and is looking to buy Harry out.

But Harry soon finds out that Angus has more in mind than just simple, old fashioned sheep farming. Angus has found a more profitable business model; genetic engineering. Using human DNA he has created what he believes will be a superior sheep. But when animal rights activists accidentally unleash a mutant sheep foetus into the wild serious trouble starts to brew.

When I first started watching Black Sheep I was pretty sure it was going to be awfully baaad. Then it turned out not the be so baaad after all. Baaad. But seriously... Black Sheep is a slapstick gore-fest in the tradition of Peter Jackson's similarly New Zealand-esque splatter films; Bad Taste, and Dead Alive (aka Brain Dead). It comes off as pretty stupid at first glance. That's because it is. I mean, it IS a movie about rampaging sheep after all. At the same time, it's redeeming factors are in the fact that it is funny, it has something to say (kind of), and it successfully piles on the nasty gore and a couple of jumps for good measure.

The message of the movie seems clearly to be that genetically modifying animals and food is probably a poor idea. Fair enough. It hammers this point home with buckets of fake blood, vicious zombie livestock, and mutant sheep-people. On the other hand, it also takes the piss out of environmentalists and animal rights activists by unfairly depicting them all as irresponsible, obnoxious, hippies.

Unfortunately this almost obliterates the effectiveness of the films message by refusing to actually take a side on the types of actions that the film insinuates criticism of and depicting those who work against such actions in a negative and unbalanced light. Granted, this is largely for comedic effect and it is somewhat successful on that score. But as a result of all this Harry and his mother might be the only two characters in the film who are not thoroughly nauseating.

As mentioned previously, Black Sheep is not shy about the gore. It may not be as out there as some of the other "Dimension Extreme" films (the Feast trilogy comes to mind), it still has its fair share. This includes violence against humans as well as sheep, and creatures that are somewhere in between. Naturally animal abuse isn't cool and is generally looked down upon these days, so the violence against sheep is campy enough to ensure the viewer that it's not real. In fact, real sheep and what appear to be animatronic sheep are both used throughout the film at different times.

There's nothing to do in a movie about carnivorous mutant sheep that embrace the ridiculousness of the concept and run with it. That's exactly what Black Sheep does, and on that score it is an amusing and grisly success.

3 shears out of 5
Rated R for adult content, nudity, graphic language, graphic violence.

Super 8 (2011)

It Arrives

It's the summer of 1979 in a small Ohio town. A group of local teenagers are working on a super 8 zombie movie to submit to a local film festival. While filming they witness a horrific train derailment, but escape unharmed. When strange happenings start to take place across town in the wake of the crash the local Deputy, who is also the father of one of the teens, works to determine what is behind them.

But the real key to what is going on is in the hands of the teenagers themselves, and their super 8 camera, which captured footage of a creature escaping from the wreckage of the train. Now they have to stop the creature before it destroys everything and everyone in town. At the same time, they must reckon with their own group dynamics including family tragedies, rivalries, and falling in love.

Super 8 is named after Super 8mm film, which was originally released in 1965 by Eastman Kodak as an improvement on the existing 8mm film technology. Many a high school and college film effort were produced through the use of Super 8 film, including the early works of the likes of Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell.

Unfortunately this is neither a Sam Raimi, nor a Bruce Campbell film. No B movie magic here; this is a full on big budget Hollywood, family friendly, sci-fi drama complete with Steven Spielberg as director. Some have compared Super 8 to a mix between E.T. and Cloverfield. Without spilling the beans, this is a fair assessment. Yes, it has a big nasty alien, but it also has drama, a romantic sub plot, and a happily ever after finale.

Disclaimers aside, Super 8 is actually a good movie for what it is. It is well written, it has good acting all around, good effects, and mostly likeable characters. Super 8 won't blow your mind, but it is a well put together and fully watch-able film. Watch the credits for a worthwhile surprise as well.

3 train crashes out of 5
Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of sci-fi action and violence, language and some drug use

The Lair of the White Worm (1988)

Angus Flint, a Scottish archaeologist, discovers a strange animal skull in the ruins of an ancient covenant he is excavating. Shortly thereafter Angus meets Lord James D'Ampton, who has recently inherited his family's land nearby the excavation site. D'Ampton tells Angus of the D'Ampton worm, a huge snake-like monster which was slain by one of James D'Ampton's ancestors. Incidentally, the tale is also conveyed through a catchy folk-rock number just prior to this.

Meanwhile Lady Sylvia Marsh returns early to her nearby mansion, known as Temple House. Local townsfolk begin to disappear inexplicably, and the skull is mysteriously stolen from Angus's room. Then the watch of a missing person turns up in a cavern which, according to legend, was home to the D'Ampton worm.

Further investigation leads them to the chilling conclusion that the D'Ampton worm lives on, and that a murderous and sexually depraved worm-worshipping cult, which Lady Marsh seems to be connected to, is operating in the vicinity.

The Lair of the White Worm mixes horror, thriller, and bizarre eroticism into a truly unique cocktail. The film is an adaptation of a book by Bram Stoker. I can't speak to the quality of the adaptation as I haven't read the book. The film doesn't feature a bunch of big name actors, with the exception of Hugh Grant as James D'Ampton. But this doesn't have to mean the acting is horrid and actually, in this case, it is not.

The special effects are campy, but they actually work for the movie. Particularly the psychedelic hallucination scenes which feature a tawdry assortment of sex, violence, and blasphemy, are not striking in terms of the quality of effects but certainly get the message across without looking cheap. The white worm itself is also not bad even if it is a bit reminiscent of that monster that swallowed the Millennium Falcon in Star Wars V.

The demonic cult members are simple in terms of make up and costume, but again are effective and are employed in enough jump scenes and occasional gory demises to keep things interesting. The characters are generally capable of being rooted for, even if Grant's character is a slightly snobby Lord. Apparently class conflict between workers and aristocrats can be put side in times of giant monster related crisis, although I'm not sure that theory has had the opportunity to undergo scrutiny in a test environment. There is also a definite sexism underlying the protagonist characters as well in that the female ones ultimately end up in the position of helpless victim and it is left up to the men to save the day, an arrangement that is actually not the norm in the majority of horror films but is common in monster flicks.

Overall, The Lair of the White Worm is actually an enjoyable and well made films though best avoided by those easily offended by the defilement of religious icons or by weird sex and giant pointy dildos. Sorry, you will have to watch for an explanation of that one because I'm not really clear on it myself.

3 hallucinogenic vampire vomits out of 5
Rated R: contains violence, gore, sexuality, nudity, language.

Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus (2010)

Whoever wins... we lose!

A bounty hunter con man, a military scientist, and a special agent, form an unlikely team that must work together to save the world from two giant, prehistoric beasts; the Mega Shark, and Crocosaurus. But the monsters cross each others path as well, leading to some good old fashioned monster on monster battle action.

Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus is one of those movies that looks really awesome, but you know it won't be, but you have to watch it anyhow. It isn't awesome, just so you know. This movie has no real plot. That's ok because its predictable for this kind of movie. Hideously poor acting. Shitty special effects. Even those are somewhat forgiveable given that we are dealing with a giant monster movie. But the monsters kind of suck too, and that doesn't leave much to be impressed with.

Both Mega Shark and Crocosaurus are basically really poorly done computer graphics with very little detail or realism. Neither of them inspire much terror. Actually, the DVD cover art is the coolest part about this movie, and the scariest. Plus, considering the term "vs." is in the title, one could fairly expect that the two creatures would be fighting it out at some point. Well, they do. For about 30 seconds. Mostly the focus is on a group of really crappy actors trying to find a way to blow them both up instead.

Gary Stretch plays Nigel Putnam, the racist bounty hunter. His character is intended to be racist and generally unpleasant. But actually the film itself basically depicts "the African's" as childish, superstitious, and gullible on the whole. It felt like there was a little more racism going on that just that which was overt. Sarah Lieving played the over the top special agent. And yes, Steve Urkel (Jaleel White) IS in this movie. In fact, he is basically the star of it. Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus got any cheese? Plenty Urkel... plenty.

1 mega pixel out of 5
Rated R for some language

Shutter (2008)

Revenge Never Dies!

Ben and Jane, a pair of American newly-weds, move to Japan in pursuit of a job opportunity with a fashion photography company. During their trip, while driving late at night on a dark road in a forested area, they collide with a young woman and lose control of their car. But when they wake up, there is no sign of the woman or her body.

They arrive in Tokyo and move into their new suite. Ben begins his photography job and reconnects with old friends while Jane tries to settle in to their new home. But strange, ghostly blurs begin to show up in Ben's photographs and Jane, then Ben, begin to have disturbing visions and dreams. Jane comes to the frightening conclusion that they are being haunted by the ghost of the woman they hit on the road and she begins to research "spirit photography" in hope of finding answers. But her investigation only leads her closer to the increasingly disturbing truth behind the tormented spirit that is stalking her and her new husband.

Shutter is a truly haunting ghost film which will be enjoyed by fans of modern Asian horror films. That's because it is actually a remake of a Thai film by the same name. Some of the most frightening stuff out there over the past couple decades has been flowing out of Asia, and then being snapped up and remade in the United States. I look forward to the original, because this film was a good one.

This is a movie that does well in terms of suspense, plot development, and tonnes of "jump" moments. It even has a great ending. Without saying too much, it is disturbing, and then satisfying. A ghost film turned revenge film, the villain gets what's deserved. The ghost, Megumi, is scary. Think The Ring, or The Grudge; two more examples of fantastic scare fests pilfered through U.S. cultural imperialism. The only problem with this film is that once it gets going, it feels like we are seeing Megumi constantly, every few minutes, until it becomes common place and the fright value starts to weaken a bit. Still, check this one out.

4 spirit photos out of 5
Rated PG-13 for terror, disturbing images, sexual content and language

[Rec] (2007)

One Witness. One Camera

A young TV reporter and her cameraman spend the night covering the daily life of local fire fighters in Barcelona. Their mundane assignment gets a bit more interesting when the team is called out to an apartment building by an elderly woman who claims to be trapped in her suite, but they have no idea what they are really in for.

When they arrive they find the woman covered in blood, with a dead body in her apartment, and a highly aggressive demeanour. Suddenly the team, and the residents, find themselves quarantined inside the apartment building as an increasingly terrifying situation develops around them and spreads out of their control.

[Rec] employs the shaky camera, "found footage" style which was popularized years earlier by The Blair Witch Project. Not everyone is fan of the style of film, but it certainly adds to the sense of realness and chaos which prevails through most of the movie.

The effective thing about this film is that it plays heavily on fear of the unknown. It also builds up gradually from its calm beginning towards total terror. You almost don't see it coming, but it just keeps getting better, scarier, darker, right to the last minutes.

If you are looking for a horror movie that truly delivers the scares, [Rec] is for you. It's no suprise that it was remade almost immediately as the US film Quarantine.

4.5 zombie outbreaks out of 5
Rated R for bloody horror violence and language

Pan's Labyrinth (2006)

In darkness, there can be light. In misery, there can be beauty. In death, there can be life....

The year is 1944. Franco's fascist rebels have overthrown Spain's Republican government and replaced it with a brutal and authoritarian regime. Guerilla's loyal to the democratic ideals of the republic continue to fight in the mountains, the fascist administration is determined to root them out.

Meanwhile, a young girl name Ofelia is sent to the country side with her pregnant mother to live with her ruthless and cruel step father, a Captain in Franco's army. There she imagines another world where she can escape from the horrible realities around her.

She meets a fairy who takes her to a labyrinth where an old faun tells her she is actually a princess, but must prove her royalty by completing four grisly tasks. If she succeeds, she will be able to return as a princess to her kingdom, and see her real father once again.

Pan's Labyrinth is a visually beautiful, excellently written film which combines history, drama, fantasy, action, and horror with complete success. The parallel realities of the war with all its violence and intrigue on one hand, and Ofelia's fantasy world on the other, compliment each other and provide scene after scene of powerful imagery. At the same time, the characters are well acted and carefully crafted to ensure that the viewer will develop an emotional reaction to each of them, which pulls them into the story increasingly as it approaches its sad, yet satisfying conclusion.

This is a Spanish film. With that said, for those who don't like to read, suck it up. This is a great film which is well worth the subtitles. Director and Writer Guillermo del Toro did everything right with this masterpiece.

5 fauns out of 5
Rated R for graphic violence and some language

Session 9 (2001)

Fear Is A Place.

A crew of workers are hired to clean asbestos out of a long-abandoned psychiatric institution. The job is rushed, but otherwise should be routine. But their work is complicated by simmering tensions amongst its members which are on the verge of boiling over.

Meanwhile as the crew delves further into the building and its horrific history, it seems almost as if the past is coming back to haunt them. This is exacerbated when one of the crew members plays recordings of sessions with a disturbed young woman suffering from a multiple personality disorder. Each session brings us closer to the truth about the reasons behind her placement in the institution, all of which is finally revealed in session 9. But by then, it may be too late.

I will admit that when I turned it on and realized David Caruso was one of the stars, thoughts of CSI Miami went through my head and doubts began to form. But this might be the best thing the guy has done, and its undeniably effective, as is Peter Mullan and the rest of the cast.

Session 9 is a legitimately scary, suspenseful, and mysterious movie. From the moment they set foot in the old building the mood is set. It's dark, spooky, you expect ghosts to jump out at you any second and nothing seems safe. There is a heavy feeling that something awful has happened, is happening, will happen. But you won't know what it is until the end.

The team itself seems ready to explode with anger, and possibly violence, at any given moment as personal difference and emotions are exacerbated by the race to finish the job. Meanwhile two mysteries unfold in tandem as one of the team members listens to the disturbing session recordings. What is happening to the team? What is happening to the girl in the recordings? The answer to both becomes clear only as the film comes to its unsettling end.

Session 9 is the type of horror that most film makers have forgotten how to make. It does more than merely assault you with gruesome visuals, it attacks your imagination, toys with your understanding of reality, and is completely uncompromising. It's the kind of complex, powerful horror film that you would be hard pressed today to find outside of the world of independent films like this one.

4 bloody hazmat suits out of 5
Rated R for language and brief strong violence