Day of the Dead (2008)

D-Day Is Coming

Leadville, Colorado, is quarantined after a mysterious illness begins to overtake much of its population. Corporal Sarah Bowman, a local of Leadville, is one of the many soldiers assigned to enforce the quarantine. But when she drops by to check in on her mother, she finds that the illness has struck close to home. She rushes her mother to the hospital, which is teeming with ill citizens. Then, without warning, the sick individuals begin to transform into flesh hungry zombies with super-human speed and agility. Nobody is safe from their onslaught.

Only the Corporal and a small band of survivors remain, including the recently recruited Private Bud, the trigger happy and hot-headed Private Salazar, Corporal Bowman's brother, and his girlfriend. But can they escape the infected town in one piece?

Day of the Dead is named after the third installment in George R. Romero's Dead franchise, but can hardly be considered a remake. The film does cover much of the same ground as the original. It's about zombies, soldiers, and scientists, and it contains a critique of the military industrial complex. But it is far from the same film in terms of everything from script, to characters, to the plot itself. As a remake, therefore, this movie would be no less than a tremendous fail. But if taken on its own merits and in its own context, it isn't that bad.

It starts off badly - the initial scene presents you with a number of really irritating characters and the first death is of a woman who is killed by a zombie because she refuses a ride home with a cretin who offers her money for sex. But then you realize that all of these characters are going to die and that you won't have to suffer any of them for the full length of the film.

Instead you get introduced to Corporal Bowman, a strong, intelligent female character played by Mena Suvari. Most of the other characters may not be particularly compelling, and Salazar is a downright obnoxious, and brutally stereotyped figure, but it could have been worse.

The plot both exists and makes a fair enough amount of sense, plus it has something to say. It's action packed, although there are no real good scares to speak of. Zombie purists will perhaps criticize the film for its fast, and ultra-agile depiction of the undead. But this film follows the 28 Days Later zombie tradition as opposed to the slow and plodding villains of the Romero classic. It could be worse, they could be groaning "braaaiiins" every five seconds and making off beat wise cracks like in certain other popular zombie series and films.

This version of Day of the Dead may not be a real remake, and it may not become a classic of zombie cinema by any means. But up against many of the zombie trash that has been pumped out in recent years it looks relatively decent.

3 eyeballs out of 5
Rated R for strong pervasive horror violence and gore, and language.

The Last Halloween: The Death of Michael Myers (2007)

His End is Near.

This very brief fan film by Blinky Productions imagines the final end of Michael Myers in a time when he has actually succeeded in finishing off his entire family... something he never achieved in the original series.

Not much happens in this film. Granted, its only a little more than three minutes long. The voice of Michael's conscience, which we had been led to believe he did not have, is done by Tom Kane, who was the voice of Dr. Loomis in H20. Michael then dies, presumably because his mission is complete. A man comes in to the room and begins to remove Michael's mask, and the film ends.

2 unlikely endings out of 5
Unrated.

There's A Maniac In My House!!! (2008)

The Night He Decided to Kill People!!!

A masked madman goes on a rampage in a house full of scantily-clad young women. Finally he is stopped with a detective comes to the rescue and shoots the killer. But the body disappears... imagine that!

Another fun short from Blinky Productions. Just over four minutes long. There's A Maniac In My House!!! is a spoof of the 1980's slasher flick which looks like a mix between Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Halloween, and Slumber Party Massacre. It's kind of like the condensed, funnier version.



4 maniacs out of 5
Unrated: contains violence.

Axe Massacre (2004)

Here Comes Santa.

A family moves in to a new house on Christmas Eve, but it may not be such a merry Christmas after all. Now the tree is up, the house is decorated, and the family has congregated for dinner and presents. Meanwhile the fathers estranged and abusive wife is on her way to attempt to take his son away for Christmas. But this will prove to be the least of their troubles when they learn that the Santa Slasher is stalking the premises.

Axe Massacre is another short (just over 12 minutes) film by Blinky Productions. While obviously not of Hollywood-quality production values, it actually comes out a much better quality film that some other slashers out there that nonetheless had bigger budgets, were full length, and were released on DVD. Highly depressing to be sure, but well put together.

3 plates of cookies out of 5
Unrated: contains violence.

Decoys (2004)

They're not what they seem.

Freshman buddies Luke and Roger meet two new students, Lilly and Constance, in the laundry room of their dorm building at St. Johns College. It would appear that Luke and Roger have every reason to celebrate. The two young women are beautiful and blatantly interested in them, inviting them to visit them in their dorms anytime. But Luke soon discovers that they are not what they seem but are instead a species of dangerous alien life forms.

Naturally nobody believes him at first. But soon more and more bodies of young men are turning up; frozen from the inside out. Now Luke is determined to stop the alien invasion no matter how many people think he is insane, or how many flamethrowers it takes.

It's douche bags vs. alien invaders in this corny camp fest. My guess: Earth is fucked. Decoys attempts to takes the loathsome teen comedy of movies like American Pie, and meld it with the sci-fi horror of movies like Alien. The result: not great.

Aside from a somewhat misogynist plot line, what else does this film offer? The acting, special effects, and dialogue are neither hideously poor, nor particularly exciting over-all. The film definitely starts to drag on in the middle, until it begins to hurry towards its somewhat goofy finale. The characters are mostly very obnoxious and unlikeable. Meanwhile the actual aliens are kind of cool with their crazy tentacles and all, but they are infrequently seen in alien form. This movie is could be skipped without missing much. Despite this, they made a sequel.

1.5 chests full of tentacles out of 5 
Rated R for sexuality and nudity.

Zombie Nation (2004)

Terror In Numbers

A local police officer turned serial killer is on a rampage; arresting, kidnapping, and murdering his female victims  to satisfy his psychotic urges. His partner is on to him, but many of his fellow officers, members of his former army platoon, refuse to cooperate in investigating his crimes. As the investigation falters, a different form of justice approaches for this sick madman... the zombified corpses of his victims.

Zombie Nation starts out confusing, stays that way for a while, declines towards disappointing and beyond, returns to confusing, and then bottoms out at simply ridiculous and nonsensical.

First of all the plot. It doesn't really flow in any apparent direction until quite well into the movie. It contains several unnecessary subplots which only confuse it further as well as a variety of completely worthless and dull scenes that have nothing to do with the movie itself. No zombies show up till three quarters of the way into the movie. Then they wander around for a while, briefly kill two innocent people in really poorly done scenes, and then go for their revenge.

Next, the production values in general. Bad acting, bad makeup, and no real special effects to speak of. The zombies look the same as they did when they were alive except with lots of black makeup around their eyes. Some of them also limp unconvincingly. They talk and interact like normal people and are really just poor excuses for zombies in all regards.

None of the characters are particularly compelling. None of the acting is good. None of the dialogue is impressive. The ending will just make you cringe and realize that the whole time you were sitting there hoping it would get better, it was only getting worse. Possibly one of the worst zombie films ever made.


0 fake severed penis's out of 5
Rated R for strong gory violence, language and sexuality/nudity.

Tales from the Crypt (1972)

DEATH LIVES in the Vault of Horror! 

Five strangers get separated from a tour group in an ancient catacomb. As they try to find the rest of their group, they end up meeting the Cryptkeeper, a sinister character who reveals to each of them the horrifying demise that awaits them as a result of their dastardly ways.

In the first of these five stories, "And All Through the House", a greedy wife murders her husband on Christmas Eve in order to collect on his life insurance policy. But little does she know that an insane serial killer has escaped and is prowling the area near her house dressed as Santa Clause.

Then, in "Reflections of Death", a man leaves his wife and family for his young mistress. But they get in a horrible car crash. When he awakens, his mistress is nowhere to be found. He pulls himself from the wreckage and begins making his way towards her house. Everyone he encounters flees from him in horror. He is about to learn why...

Next, in "Poetic Justice", a ruthless developer unleashes a cruel campaign of slander and nastiness against a kindly old man whose home he considers an eyesore and whose property he hopes to take control of. Hoping he will move away, the developer sends the man unkind cards on Valentines Day. But instead of leaving, the man commits suicide, only to return from the grave a year later for revenge.

In "Wish You Were Here", a bankrupt business tycoon dies in a terrible car accident. But when his wife learns that an ancient statue in her possession can grant her three wishes, she wishes for eternal life for her husband. The only trouble is, he may return to life... but in what condition?

Finally, in "Blind Alleys", a selfish man takes over control of a home for the blind and begins misappropriating its funds for his own comfort. The situation grows so miserable that one of the patients actually dies. The other patients decode that they cannot go on this way and that their friend must be avenged, so they prepare a suitable punishment for the greedy, self serving fiend.

Tales from the Crypt, the first film in its franchise, is arguably also the best. It's five wonderfully creepy tales about why you should do to others as you would have done unto yourself. Five greedy rich bastards getting what they have coming. Four more Tales from the Crypt films followed as well as a Television series which, unfortunately, was generally not of this same caliber. It also inspired a fun cartoon series called "Tales from the Cryptkeeper" for the kids. A very worthwhile watch.

4 valentines cards out of 5
Rated PG: contains violence and frightening scenes.

King Kong (2005)

The eighth wonder of the world. 

Fledgling film maker Carl Denham is preparing to voyage to a lost island where he is sure he will be able to get great footage for his new feature. He recruits out of work vaudeville performer, Ann Darrow, as his leading lady and tricks playwright Jack Driscoll into joining them as well.


They set sail with their cast and crew for Skull Island where they discover an ancient world filled with dinosaurs and other prehistoric creatures including King Kong himself. Denham's team is captured by a tribe that inhabits the island and Darrow is offered up to Kong as a sacrifice.

Denhan, Driscoll, and the others, set off to rescue Ann and escape the island. But Driscoll see's an opportunity to become enormously rich with an attraction bigger than any movie - Kong. They capture the mighty beast and bring him back with them to New York where things don't exactly go as planned.

Peter Jackson's 2005 re-telling of this 1933 classic stays pretty true to the original. Naturally it does feature fancy new special effects and CGI that would have been impossible in the original or even the first remake, but the story remains the same. They even incorporated in the bug pit scene which was cut from the original film by the censors. Kong's battle with the T-Rex and his rampage through New York are pretty great as well. Plus as great as the original was, it did come with some pretty unsavory racism and sexism which is cut from this version as well. It doesn't look like this version of Kong will spawn any sequels, but it did bring a pretty cool video game and a fantastic extended edition DVD along with it. A solid remake, worth checking out.

4.5 giant leeches out of 5
Rated PG-13 for frightening adventure violence and some disturbing images.

Creepshow 3 (2006)

The Most Fun You'll Ever Have Being Scared!

Five more short stories, this time claiming to be "the most fun you'll ever have being scared". Let's take a look.

We begin with "Alice", the story of a spoiled teenager who hates her family, her neighborhood, and her life. She uses a universal remote control developed by a fellow by the name of Professor Dayton to change reality and learns that maybe things weren't so bad before after all... compared to the fate that now awaits her.

Next, in "The Radio", a security guard buys a radio which was also developed by Professor Dayton. The radio proceeds to talk to him and lure him into a web of theft and murder from which he cannot escape. Moving right along...

"The Call Girl" is about a sex worker/serial killer who murders whoever happens to hire her. Unfortunately for her, the jig is up when she is hired by an odd character by the name of Victor. She murders him, or tries to, but then learns that she isn't the only one who isn't what she seems. One of the better tales, but things are about to go downhill some more.

"The Professors Wife" takes us to the home of Professor Dayton, where the Professor has invited his two best former students over for dinner. He introduces them to his fiancée, who they decide is an android. Therefore they decide the most sensible thing to do is to disassemble her. Doesn't go well.

Finally, "The Haunted Dog". A hot dog vendor drops a hot dog on the ground. He gives it to a homeless dude. The homeless dude kicks it. Hot dog guy is then haunted by the ghost of the homeless dude that he murdered with his dirty wiener. Seriously.

Many have decried Creepshow 3 as an illegitimate sequel to the original anthology by Stephen King and George A. Romero. The reason for this is probably that Creepshow 3 sucks and nobody wants it to sully the name of the original and its relatively good sequel, Creepshow 2.

Creepshow 3 does not involve King or Romero, and frankly lacks the writing, casting, special effects, and humour that made the first two movies so cheesy, but still so watchable and enjoyable. This, on the other hand, is pretty bad all around. Poorly written, ridiculous stories based on ludicrous premises and totally lacking in humour. Some of the stories in this film do carry on the Creepshow tradition of bad things happening to bad people... but due to uninteresting characters and poor writing, it doesn't come out as strongly or convincingly. The same goes for the gore... there's a tonne of it... but it is ridiculous and campy at best. This film can be missed, you won't be missing much.

1 universal remote out of 5, because you only need one to turn off a movie
Rated R for bloody horror violence and gore, language, some drug use and sexual material.

Creepshow 2 (1987)

When The Curtain Goes Up, The Terror Begins!

Stephen King and George A. Romero return three more stories in the second installment of the Creepshow series.

"Chief Wooden Head" is the tale of an older couple who are the proprietors of a small, bankrupt shop in the desert. They remain open against the odds in a struggle to make a go of it and to provide for the needs of the local community. Their customers are primarily the local First Nations community and their store has a life-sized wooden statue by its front door - "Chief Wooden Head". But the shop falls victim to a group of petty criminals. The robbery goes bad and the thieves escape, but not for long. Guess who hunts them down to mete out tough justice...

In "The Raft" four young couples decide to go swimming at a lake far away from civilization. They swim out to a wooden raft in the water only to find that they are being hunted by a giant oily blob which aims to hunt down and consume them all one by one.

Lastly, "The Hitchhiker" is a nightmare scenario wherein a hit and run goes from bad to even worse. An adulteress business woman is rushing home after an extra-marital booty call when she accidentally hits and kills a hitchhiker. But the hitchhiker won't stay dead and wants revenge.

Creepshow 2 continues in the tradition of the original Creepshow film seamlessly and with all the cheese, laughs, and occasional spooks of the first movie. It continues on the strong underlying theme of "what goes around comes around", whereby bad people meet nasty ends. This sequel is darker than its predecessor and features more brutal, less cartoonish violence. Romero's participation in the writing process is noticeable in the films underlying social commentary as well.


4 wooden chiefs out of 5
Rated R: contains violence, frightening scenes, sexual content, nudity, language. 

Creepshow (1982)

Jolting Tales of Horror!

Stephen King and George A. Romero present five "jolting tales of horror" in this two hour long collection.

First, in "Father's Day", the zombified corpse of a murdered Father comes back for revenge, and for the Father's Day cake that his daughter never gave him. Great zombie courtesy of special effects genius Tom Savini, but not the most compelling of the stories.

Next, in "The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verril" Stephen King plays a yokel who finds a meteor on his property only to find out that it comes with unexpected consequences. A very strange tale, and a great, comical, performance by King.

"Something to Tide you Over" stars Leslie Nielson as an insane and vengeful ex-husband who buries his ex-wife and her new lover up to their necks on a beach and then watches them drown for his own amusement. Again, we get some neat zombies returning from their watery graves to exact revenge.

In "The Crate", a strange creature is found hidden below the stairs in a University. The Janitor reports the find to Professor Dexter who informs his colleague and friend, Henry Northrup. Henry hatches a plan to feed his detested wife to the beast. Divorce might have been a better option.

Finally, in "They're Creeping up on You!", a selfish and extremely rich businessman lives the high life in his penthouse while treating his employees like garbage. Finally during a black out he meets a fitting end.

Creepshow will be loved by fans of grisly but comedic horror-cheese series like Tales from the Crypt. The skits aren't generally all that scary, some more-so than others, but they do feature some good actors and special effects as well as the opportunity to feel satisfied that the bad guys got their comeuppance. The film was followed by two sequels, although only the first can boast the involvement of King and Romero and is noticeably better for it.

4 fathers day cakes out of 5
Rated R for violence, language, and frightening scenes.

Halloween 2 (2009)

Family is forever.

After narrowly escaping death in the first film, Laurie Strode is taken to hospital while Michael Myers' "corpse" is transported towards the morgue. But Michael isn't a corpse at all and is soon on the loose again. He soon tracks down Laurie and continues his murderous frenzy.

Meanwhile Dr. Loomis shamelessly peddles his book about Michael in an effort to profiteer off of his own role in the horrible events of the past. Laurie, on the other hand, suffers sever mental and emotional instability which is worsened when she learns that she is Michael's sister.

Halloween 2 is far from a remake of the sequel to the original great Halloween film. It starts out with many similarities, but ends up taking a completely different path in a completely different way. Whereas the original sequel merely continued and completed the actual night of the events of the first movie, this Rob Zombie sequel takes place over a much longer period of time. In fact, at times it feels like it lacks a bit of continuity as a result.

The original Halloween 2 helped to set a new bar for gore in horror films. The bar may not even exist anymore since the inception of the video nasty and, more recently, the advent of torture porn. But Zombie's sequel certainly brings the gore - in a way that no other Halloween film, except maybe his own first film, could compete with.

Unfortunately, like its predecessor where it does lack is in suspense and scariness. What we get with this film is basically a series of interludes between scenes of intense, realistic, violence, scenes of Laurie being utterly obnoxious and bonkers, and some nudity thrown in for good measure. The reconfigured versions of classic characters like Laurie, Dr. Loomis, and even Michael Myers himself, leave much to be desired. If you likes Rob Zombie's first Halloween film, you will love this one. If you didn't, you won't.

2 cows out of 5
Rated R for strong brutal bloody violence throughout, terror, disturbing graphic images, language, and some crude sexual content and nudity.