The Ring (2002)

Before you die, you see the ring.

A journalist, Rachel Keller, investigates the suspicious death of her niece and her three friends. The lot of them died on the same day, at the same time and with looks of sheer terror on their faces.

Her investigation leads her to a cabin where the four victims has stayed a week before they met their mysterious ends. There she finds a video, which she proceeds to watch. Soon she realizes the video is cursed and all who watch it will die a week later. 

Now she is in a race against time to break the curse of Samara, the creepy little girl who made the video, or face horrifying death.

It was only a matter of time before I wrote a review of this movie. I can categorically say that this is the scariest movie I have ever seen. I've seen hundreds of horror movies and so far none of them compare. Of course, I haven't yet watched Ringu... the Japanese original on which this American remake is based. Maybe I'm in for a treat.

The movie is rated PG-13. This is because it contains basically no violence, sex nudity, or nasty language. Don't be fooled by the rating though... this movie will fuck you up way worse than any R-rated slasher flick. Plus its well acted and filmed with lots of creepy locales and scenes as well as a few plot twists to keep things interesting.

5 creepy girls in the TV out of 5
Rated PG-13 for thematic elements, disturbing images, language and some drug references. 


Watch The Ring trailer.

The Serpent and the Rainbow (1988)

Don't bury me...I'm not dead! 

An American anthropologist, Dr. Allen, travels to Haiti in search of discovering the mystery of zombification in the hopes that whatever drug or substance causes it could be used for medical purposes. He soon discovers that a mysterious drug, known only to a select few, is being used to turn people into the living dead. It's victims are alive, but show no vital signs and are routinely pronounced dead, and buried.

But as Dr. Allen's investigation begins to unravel a sinister web of murder and corruption, he attracts the unwanted attention of the ton ton macoute, Haitian dictator "Baby Doc" Duvalier's secret police. Now his quest for answers leaves him in serious danger of becoming one of the very zombies he has come to investigate.

In light of Haiti's former murderous dictator's shocking return to the country this week, it seemed appropriate to re-watch and review this Wes Craven classic. The movie has an element of documentary to it in that it deals with a particularly dark period in the history of Haiti, the dictatorship of the Duvalier family. Real footage of the revolution which threw Baby Doc out of power is even included towards the end. On the other hand, without being any sort of expert on Haitian culture or religious beliefs, the movie obviously sensationalizes many aspects of that culture and of voodoo in order to up the shock factor for the films North American audience. Realistic? I'm thinking not so much. If any of the religions that are considered mainstream in North America were represented in this way in a film there would be uproar.

The Serpent and the Rainbow does, however, boast decent acting throughout and reasonable effects, make up, etc. for its time. But this is not your average blood and guts, face-paced, action packed zombie movie. It's more of a zombie drama of sorts. A decent watch, just don't expect Dawn of the Dead.

3 zombie brides out of 5
Rated R for violence/gore, nudity, frightening scenes.

Watch the Serpent and the Rainbow trailer.

Possession (1981)

Murder. Evil. Infidelity. Madness.

Anna and Mark's relationship is in steep decline for reasons that Mark can't understand. As Anna draws further and further away from her family, Mark falls in a state of deep depression and his sanity becomes questionable.

He decides to have Anna followed and get to the bottom of the situation, but what he may not like, or understand, what he finds.

Normally I like to give a little bit more of a plot summary than this, but in the case of Possession it is hardly possible considering the films complexity to do so without spilling the beans on a bunch of spoilers. I'd rather you watch it yourself and experience it in full without any warning about what you are going to see. Here's some hints that you probably gleaned from the cover anyhow... it involves a crazy looking octopus monster.

Possession seems to have been marketed highly on the smut factor. Just look at the movie cover. The alternate cover isn't much different. And the alternate tag line was "She created a monster as her secret lover!" But in reality this movie in much deeper than its unfortunately crass marketing would suggest and in fact it contains no particularly explicit sexuality and very little nudity. Even the actual creature plays a relatively small part in the movie itself, which is really about separation or divorce.

This movie is entertaining not just because it is so strange and unpredictable, but also because of the acting and setting. The performances were excellent, particularly that of Isabelle Adjani who plays both Anna and another character in the film. She manages to pull off a character that is basically bat shit crazy, and exceptionally dangerous, and she does it with a level of energy and raw emotion that is rare. The movie was filmed in Berlin, which lends the movie a beautiful canvas on which to paint its madness.This one is definitely worth checking out.

4 tentacle monsters out of 5
Rated R for violence, sexual content, nudity, language.

Watch the Possession trailer.

Tombs of the Blind Dead (1971)

Who are these unholy savages who hunt out their victims by sound alone?

In the early 13th century the Knights Templar, a Christian military order deeply involved in the crusades, was falling from grace with the church and the powers that be. Accused of witchcraft, the Knights are executed by hanging. Their bodies are left limp and lifeless while crows feast upon their eyes.

Now fast-forward to the modern day Portugal. Virginia, Roger, and Betty are off to the country side for a vacation via a picturesque train ride. It sounds great, except tension and emotions between former lovers Betty and Virginia result in Virginia jumping the train and being left behind, far from any nearby towns.

Virginia finds her way to the ruins of a monastery where the Knights Templar were buried. After searching the premises, she finds them abandoned and decides to stay the night before beginning her journey back to civilization. But that night the Knights rise from the dead with a vengeance.

When Betty and Roger realize that their friend is still missing, they go to look for her and soon they find themselves up against the blind dead; a gang of zombified knights who can only hunt their prey by sound.

Tombs of the Blind dead suffers from some major downsides, but also contains many excellent aspects that explain why it has managed to survive the test of time. First and foremost, it is deeply sexist in its portrayal of women characters. The violence against female characters, particularly in the flashback scene of the Templar's sacrificing a virgin, comes off as a glorification and sexualization of violence against women that stands as this movies primary failing point. Secondly, at times the special effects are pretty laughable. But it was the early 70's, so in fairness it was not bad for its time. Really its sort of quaint. There are also some aspects of the movie that just don't make sense. For example, why can the Templar's hear if they are in an advanced state of decay and have no ears. One would expect them to be actually be blind, deaf, and dumb rather than just blind. Where did they get those horses? And where did that horse that Virginia escaped the ruins on come from?

There  are some upsides though. The completely perfect setting, scenery, and atmosphere, for example. Also the Templar's themselves are super cool looking. Costume and make up were definitely good for the era and for a B movie. The cinematography was good as well. Over-all this is a potentially awesome movie that just happens to carry with it the unfortunate black mark of misogyny, and the odd plot hole and goof-up. Otherwise, well worth a look.

3.5 Templar's out of 5
Rated R for violence, sexual content, nudity, frightening scenes.

Watch the Tombs of the Blind Dead trailer.

Queen of the Damned (2002)

All She Wants Is Hell On Earth.

In this modern twist on Anne Rice's novel Queen of the Damned, the vampire Lestat is awakened from his two hundred year slumber to find a new world awaiting him.

After doing the usual vampire thing and drinking some blood, he hears some broody nu-metal and goes to check it out. He ends up becoming a rock star, heading up his new band which he aptly names The Vampire Lestat.

But the other vampires consider Lestat a traitor for living amongst the mortal, allowing himself to be seen and heard by the living. Plus the vampire queen Akasha has awakened from her slumber and is determined to have Lestat as her new king... having recently devoured her last one.

Lestat meanwhile comes into contact with a mortal, Jesse, a paranormal researcher who has become intrigued by Lestat and his band and will soon become his love interest. Will Lestat's love overcome his vampire ways and the temptations of Akasha? Here's a hint: it's kinda predictable.

Let's forget for a moment that it is a total mutilation of the original story as written by Anne Rice, and just look at it as a movie in and of itself. The acting is bad. The special effects are nothing too impressive. And it tries to be serious while coming off utterly ridiculous.

The movie focuses a lot on Lestat's band, which played songs which were actually written and performed by Jonathan Davis of Korn. It is not, therefore, surprising that the soundtrack also sucks since it is made up of winners like Jonathan Davis, Linkin Park, Papa Roach, and Static X, which actually used to be kind of cool... before they sounded like Korn.

Queen of the Damned may be one of the worst modern vampire movies pre-Twilight. And there have been some stinkers. I'd recommend Eternal Blood, Let the Right One In, or 30 Days of Night instead.

0.5 terrible adaptations out of 5
Rated R for vampire violence.

Watch the Queen of the Damned trailer.

The Others (2001)

Sooner Or Later They Will Find You.

World War Two is drawing to a close, and Grace takes up residence with her two young children in a mansion in Jersey. They are awaiting the return of Grace's husband, the childrens father, who has been off fighting in the war. The hired help up and takes off unannounced, so Grace puts out an ad for new servants.

The new servants arrive soon after and begin to take up the work of caring for the children, who are subject to an array of strange rules, partially as a result of a supposed health condition which they both share.

Strange events start to occur in the house. Grace believes she can hear voices and noises and begins to have frightening visions. Finally she begins to believe that the new servants are up to something. But the truth is soon revealed to be even worse.

The Others is as much a mystery and a thriller as it is a ghost movie or a horror film. It may keep you guessing for a while, depending on how many of these type of movies you have seen before. All in all it is a well done, well acted movie with a classic plot twist ending aimed at leaving you with the creeps. For a spooky Hollywood ghost story, not too bad.

3.5 surprise endings out of 5
Rated PG-13 for thematic elements and frightening moments.

Watch The Others trailer. 

Sleepy Hollow (1999)

You can lock the doors. You can bolt the windows. But can you survive the night?

The year is 1799 and Ichabod Crane (Johnny Depp) is a New York City police constable who has been dispatched to investigate a number of strange and brutal murders in the hamlet of Sleepy Hollow. The murders all have one thing in common - the victims have been found beheaded.

Crane, a man of science, arrives in Sleepy Hollow with his bag full of newfangled forensic investigatory tools only to be informed by the local elders that the murders are the work of a supernatural being; the headless horseman. Naturally, Crane is not impressed and does not believe them. At least, not until he meets the horseman himself.

Crane escapes the meeting with his life and continues the investigation. He is boarding with the wealthy Van Tassels family, and soon becomes attracted to their daughter, Katrina, who is played by Christina Ricci. Meanwhile he meets a young orphan. Young Masbeth, who aids him in his investigation. They eventually discover that he horseman is not acting alone, but is being controlled by someone inside the hamlet. This finding will soon lead to another, and will bring Crane and Katrina together against the real villain.

Seriously. Johnny Deep AND Christina Ricci PLUS directed by Tim Burton. How can this movie go wrong? Sure, it's pretty campy... but it's meant to be. In usual Tim Burton style, Sleepy Hollow pulls off fun and dark at the same time plus a great cast to boot. If you are looking for really scary or gruesome, this isn't it. Sure, there's a bunch of head chopping but don't forget, this is a big budget Hollywood movie, so check it out, just don't expect anything too graphic, nasty, or controversial.

4 Tree's of the Dead out of 5
Rated R for graphic horror violence and gore, and for a scene of sexuality.


Watch the Sleepy Hollow trailer.

The Beast (1975)

Death's Ecstasy


An American heiress travels to France with her mother to meet the man to whom she is betrothed, the son of an impoverished Marquis. Of course she doesn't seem to know that his family is impoverished, and the greedy Marquis is eager to have the wedding as quickly as possible so that he may save himself from destitution.

While the Marquis scrambles to ensure the wedding will occur, the Heiress discovers a legend of a horrible beast that supposedly stalks the forest nearby. It is even rumored that the former lady of the house once copulated with the strange creature. Soon she finds herself overcome by recurring dreams of the incident. What secrets will this bizarre tale reveal about the family into which she is supposed to marry.

The Beast taught me a valuable lesson. When scouring websites about obscure monster movies, don't assume that because something is on a list of best movies that it is actually any good, and always check IMDB before wasting an hour and a half of your life on something.

This is one of the only movies I have actually turned off within the first two minutes. Close up shots of horses having sex do not appeal to me. For a moment I thought that I had downloaded something else altogether and was about to delete it. Then I scanned ahead and found out that actually this was the movie. It got less disgusting, but not much better, from there. This is because The Beast is really only marginally a monster movie at all. In fact, we don't even seen the beast himself until an hour into the movie and when we do, he looks ridiculous. I mean, this thing looks like a giant rat bred with a bear and he spends the whole movie running around with a giant rubber phallus sticking out of him as he tries to find someone to bone. Even so, its almost a relief just to know there is actually a monster in this movie after the extremely boring and pointless hour of film that precedes him. I was starting to think the beast might be the pedophile priest, the violently greedy Marquis, or either the intensely obnoxious uncle or Marquis' son. But no, they were just ludicrous characters put there to flesh the movie out to a respectable length so that the director, Walerian Borowczyk, would have somewhere to put his monster-rape scene.

So that brings us to the part of the movie where something actually happens. That something is that the heiress dreams about the former lady of the house being chased through the woods by the beast, who eventually catches her. Naturally, she resists the advances of the big furry critter, but as with all misogynistic rape fantasies, she ends up liking it, then she ends up fucking him literally to death. At the end of the movie the cardinal, who has finally shown up to perform the marriage, explains in fairly icky detail his perspective on bestiality, why and how it happens, and why the beast died.

The only question remaining is... what the fuck? A little bit of artsy fartsy cinematography and some pretty scenery doesn't make up for the rest of whatever this is. Unless you enjoy being extraordinarily bored, or have some sick psychological issues that lead you to be sexually attracted to animals, then I recommend not viewing this bizarre, yet largely dull, and highly sexist film. 

0.5 out of 5 giant rubber monster wangs
Unrated: contains nudity, sexual content, violence, language.


Watch The Beast trailer.