Hobo with a Shotgun (2011)

Delivering justice, one shell at a time...

A hobo rides in to town on a railway car and finds a city over run with criminal depravity. It quickly becomes apparent that the local authorities are in the back pocket of a crime syndicate run by a bloodthirsty psychopath by the name of Drake, and his two disturbed sons Slick, and Ivan.

The hobo soon finds himself caught in the middle of a vicious armed robbery and finds himself stepping up to the plate to deliver justice from the barrel of his 20 gauge shotgun. Soon the hobo is cleaning up the streets one scum bag at a time. "Bum fight" film makers, pimps, murderers, rapists, paedophiles, corrupt cops, and sex trade traffickers, all get what they deserve. No predatory, low life is safe from his righteous vengeance.

But soon Drake takes notice and finds a way to turn up the heat on the hobo in an attempt to put him out of the vigilante business once and for all. The hobo is now pitted against Drake's deranged sons, and The Plague; a team of armour-clad enforcers. But he has an ally; a street wise and highly spirited sex trade worker by the name of Abby. It's a battle to the death, and it isn't going to be pretty.

Part of what makes this film great is that while it is visceral, disturbing, and violent, it also finds opportunities to inject some humour, social commentary, and even some hope into its over-all message. It hasn't been credited by many as being a particularly deep or smart film, but in some ways its got more heart than most of the pulp we are fed these days even if the ending is a bit ambiguous... sequels?

The film was made in Canada and includes some interesting cameos including George Stroumboulopoulos, and Ricky of the Trailer Park Boys. In fact, the acting in this film all-around was not bad. Rutger Hauer was excellent and quite convincing at the hobo, and Molly Dunsworth was wonderful as Abby.

Hobo with a Shotgun is a grindhouse-style exploitation film, but not one without something to say. Yes, much of the film will be too much for the weak of heart. It is violent and troubling. But it is also, in many ways, very real. The evils that our heroic hobo selflessly takes on are real evils that are all too easy to put out of our minds on a day to day basis. But without glorifying, lampooning, or beautifying any of these things, this film makes you look at them dead on and make you consider how these things can happen, where we are headed as a society, and what justice might look like in real life.

Undoubtedly no one man will ever fix up this rotten society, and vigilantism is a slippery slope. But if Hobo with a Shotgun is any indication then we should have taken Tom Morello's advice and armed the homeless years ago.

4 Remington 870's out of 5
Rated R: contains violence, gore, language, drug/alcohol use, nudity, sexuality, disturbing scenes.

Graveyard Alive: A Zombie Nurse in Love (2003)

She's A Man Eater!

A lumberjack turns up at the hospital with an axe lodged in his head and a casual attitude about the situation. He is taken in to the care of the handsome Dr. Dox and the unpopular and plain nurse Patsy. To complicate matters, Dr. Dox is Patsy's ex whom she has never managed to get over. His fiancée, nurse Goodie Tueschuze also works at the hospital and regularly leads the other nurses in ridiculing and bullying poor Patsy.

But Patsy and the patient quickly take a liking for each other. Little does she realize that he's a lumberjack and he's not "OK"; he's a zombie. After a little love nibble Patsy starts to succumb slowly to the zombie contagion as well, and it starts to spread.

But Patsy's transformation comes with unexpected features. The contagion not only turns its victims in to human flesh eaters, but also drastically changes their attitudes. Patsy transforms from the shy, nervous, and introverted outcast and becomes forward, extroverted, and sexy. Now she is the centre of attention, and an object of desire for the sought after Dr. Dox. Meanwhile Patsy is overtaken by two interests; human flesh, and sex.

Driven by jealously, nurse Goodie grows suspicious of her former victim turned rival, but who will believe her jealous accusations? Perhaps the whole hospital will soon be a zombie playground.

Graveyard Alive is a much vaunted, yet difficult to come by, zombie comedy. It comes from director/writer Elza Kephart, and writer Patricia Gomez and was produced in Montreal. As an artsy, black and white, indie film with a feminist message it isn't too hard to grasp why the film is difficult to come by in the prevailing film market. But if you can get a hold of a copy it will be worth your time and money.

The films message seems to be, as the famous quote goes, the radical notion that woman are people. All Patsy wants is to be loved and respected, even as a zombie. At the same time, the film should not be entered in to without a sense of humour. It has been put together as to look and feel like an old school horror show from the costumes, to the script, to the sound track, to the effects. This makes for a fun watching experience, and it also covers the films relatively small budget (the downfall of many a zombie flick) with complete success. By embracing their limitations, the film makers produced a film with multiple artistic and humorous layers that I suspect will become even more appreciated on a second or third viewing.

4.5 meat grinders out of 5
Unrated: contains violence, sexuality.

The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

It is Lifeday on the Wookie home planet of Kashyyyk, and Chewbacca is heading home for the holidays with his friend Han Solo. Meanwhile his family, including his wife, Malla, his Son, Lumpy, and his father, Itchy are preparing for the holidays. Well... Malla is anyhow. Lumpy spends his time being obnoxious, while Itchy mostly grumbles about things and spends some time using a virtual reality fantasy machine given to him by a his friend, Saundan (Art Carney), in what is undoubtedly the most disturbing Star Wars scene to date.

After several minutes of Wookie's talking to each other in their own language without English subtitles, interspersed with scenes, which include substantial recycled footage, of Han and Chewbacca fighting through an imperial blockade of Kashyyyk, the film really starts to break down.

First some storm troopers and imperial guards bust in on Chewbacca's family and cause a nuisance. Eventually they take off, leaving one storm trooper to wait for Chewbacca's return. Meanwhile we get all manner of weird, out of context scenes including a gymnastics performance, a song by Jefferson Starship, and a bar scene on Tatooine featuring Bea Arthur.

In due course Han and Chewbacca make it home for the holidays and throw the storm trooper over the balcony to his death. Then they sing a song about love and good will which at that point sounds a bit cynical. C3PO, R2D2, Luke, and Leia also turn up at this point. Who knows how they got through the imperial blockade so easily...but some questions aren't worth asking.

The Star Wars Holiday Special is a discombobulated mess of scenes that largely make no sense and feel very forced together. Puzzling, troubling, and boring at the worst of times, hilarious at its best, this film distinctly appears to be the result of George Lucas developing the (probably accurate) belief that anything with "Star Wars" written on it would sell like hot cakes in the late 70's.

If possible, it makes The Phantom Menace appear to be a cinematic triumph, and therefore should not really be watched by anyone other than perhaps to quench the undeniable curiosity that surrounds this rare film. Rare, that is to say, because Lucasfilm seems to been helping to make sure you don't have to see this awful movie... by never releasing it on DVD or Blueray. Still, like everything else imaginable, it can be found easily for free online.

0.5 out of 5 Devaronians.
Unrated.

Dead Birds (2004)

There are worse things than dying

A group of soldiers turned bank robbers take refuge in an old house on an abandoned plantation in the Confederate south during the American Civil War. Their plan is to escape to Mexico with their gold, but tensions are high within the group and mistrust is growing.

The outlaws decide to stay the night in the house as it grows dark and a storm approaches. But as the night drags on they begin to have visions of horrible crimes that took place in the abandoned house in past years. Soon it appears that a demonic force has overtaken the property and chances of escape seem increasingly slim.

Director Alex Turner made his full length feature film début with this demonic possession film. The films setting is different, interesting and potentially politically charged, although that aspect is never really delved in to. Instead the plot is focused firmly as a good old haunted house story except the house isn't haunted, it's possessed. Turns out some black magic dabbling went wrong some time back and now all those who enter it will pay the price.

The plot isn't extremely inventive. It's an old tale with a twist, but it does the trick. The characters could have used further development. They are relatively flat, and static. Plus it is difficult to feel terribly sympathetic towards them considering they seem to be a bunch of Union soldiers who have abandoned the war in the interests of their own personal greed. Granted, they do knock off a few Confederates along the way, but at the same time innocents get caught in the cross fire. These aren't exactly a band of heroes.

Either way, they eventually start to drop like flies, and you will find yourself trying to keep track of where each one and who is dead, or might be, because it gets a bit scattered. Finally it winds towards its abrupt and somewhat confusing conclusion and the viewer is left shrugging, but still a bit tempted to check under the bed at night. Dead Birds won't blow your mind, but it does offer up numerous, if predictable, jumps and jolts.

3 creepy kids out of 5
Rated R for strong violence and gore.

Captain Kronos - Vampire Hunter (1974)

The Only Man Alive Feared by the Walking Dead!

A vampire hunter known as Captain Kronos, and his hunchbacked sidekick Grost, travel to a small village where young women have been found mysteriously drained of their youth, turned old and frail. Kronos deduces that the women are the victims of a particular variety of vampire, which feeds by sucking the life out of their victims with a kiss.

Kronos meets a beautiful woman by the name of Carla, who joins their investigatory team. Soon they find themselves at the Duward Estate, where a pair of young siblings are caring for their elderly mother. Kronos suspects something is fishy, could it be that there is more to the Duward's than meets the eye?

Captain Kronos - Vampire Hunter has sometimes been referred to as the fourth installment in Hammer Horror's Karnstein trilogy. Technically this is not accurate. There's a reason it is a trilogy; it's because there are three films. A fourth film had been intended by Hammer, but it never made it past the earliest stages of development. While Captain Kronos does include some similar themes, and does end up mentioning the Karnstein name, it is not actually part of the same series, and there are several key differences between this film and the other three.

First of all, this film is substantially cheesier. While the originals attempted to maintain a level of seriousness, Kronos errors on the side of total camp. Also, the vampires are completely different. This film claims there are several types of vampires who feed in different ways and must be killed by different means. Not the case in the Karnstein films. This film is also toned down a fair bit from the Karnstein films. It includes negligible violence, and substantially toned down sexuality - although the relationship between those Duward siblings does seem a bit creepy at times. Furthermore, this film was not written by the same man, Tudor Gates, who wrote the Karnstein stories.

Over all, Captain Kronos is pretty bad. The dialogue is ridiculous, the effects are cheesy, the acting is nothing to write home about. There is a plot twist, a substantial sword fight, and some kind of neat imagery of the villains demise at the end as well if you can hang on till then. Otherwise this film, and its swashbuckling, womanizing hero is, at best, good for a light-hearted chuckle.

1.5 cross-swords out of 5
Rated R: contains violence, mild sexuality.

The Descent (2005)

Face Your Deepest Fear

A year after a tragic accident which claimed the lives of her family, a young woman, Sarah, goes on a trip with five friends to explore a remote cave. But when they become trapped within the cave it soon becomes clear that they are not alone. They have become the prey of a strange race of hungry, bat-like creatures and their only chance of survival is to fight back.

The Descent is an excellent film for a variety of reasons.First, the film successfully creates a sense of claustrophobia which is palpable to the viewer and is comparable with few other films other than perhaps The Thing. It then introduces a pack of predatory monsters which threaten to make a meal of the characters.

What makes this even more effective is that the viewer actually gives a crap what happens to the characters, and especially to the main protagonist, Sarah. This is because the time has been taken to develop the characters as human beings with emotions, interests, thoughts, and group dynamics. The even more interesting thing about this is that the protagonists are all women, and "unconventional" ones at that who do not fit the sexist cookie-cutter persona used in so many other films. After all, these sisters like to hang out, talk about real things, drink beer, and enjoy extreme sports. Plus, they are tough as fuck and once the time comes to kick ass, they do so pretty effectively from start to finish even if not everyone makes it out alive.

The movie is well made. Good acting, believable dialogue, good effects and really cool looking bat-like humanoid monsters. It's got action, gore, and a few jumps thrown in. It also has a somewhat ambiguous conclusion which leaves the door open for a sequel which has indeed been produced and released. I, for one, am looking forward to checking it out.

4.5 pick axes to the head out of 5
Rated R for strong violence/gore and language.

The Children (2008)

You brought them into this world. Now ... they will take you out.

Two families gather at a remote cabin for a relaxing Christmas get away. Little do they know that their merry making is soon to be horribly disrupted when their children turn violently against them.

Now what would have been a vacation is becoming a tale of horror, pitting parents against their children in a battle for survival. Only the teenage Casey appears to be both immune from the virus which is turning the children homicidal, and also intelligent enough to figure out what is going on, and act.

So... some film makers were sitting around in a room one day thinking up new horror movies and clearly someone figured that Children of the Corn was popular... why not remove the corn, set the film during Christmas... voila!

Well, sort of. The Children keeps the viewer in suspense for a while towards the start of the film. It's plain to see what is about to happen, but you are left wondering how it will start, and when.

Once it does get started, the film is heavy on gory death scenes, and plays heavily on the horror of parents and children fighting each other to the death. But something about the film just doesn't quite click.

It might be that the characters are all so frustratingly blind to see what is clearly taking place that it becomes hard to sympathise with them. Or it might be that a movie based on a single shocking concept quickly loses its shock value.

Either way, the only character that really establishes a significant connection with the viewer is Casey (Hannah Tointon), the teenage daughter who is the only one with the brains to sort out what is happening and act on it. Much of the film focuses on her and as a result a connection is made that doesn't really exist with the rest of the characters. What does evade reason is why exactly, other than to exploit her physical beauty for the purpose of selling films, she spends the whole film in an extremely short skirt despite being outside in the snow in the middle of winter. Doesn't make a heck of a lot of sense coming from the only character who on every point, except her attire, seems to be the only one with any common sense.

The Children is ultimately a decent, but largely forgettable film which aims to find new shocks in old material.

2.5 doll stomach implants out of 5
Rated R for disturbing bloody violent content, terror, language and brief drug use.