Monsturd (2008)

Don't get caught with your pants down! 

Police are hot on the heels of escaped serial killer Jack Schmidt when he takes to the sewers in the hopes of making an escape. But instead he become exposed to deadly chemicals which have been dumped there by a mad scientist hiding the evidence of a grisly accident.

The chemicals eat away his flesh and he is presumed dead. But the chemical exposure morphs Schmidt into a part-feces, part-man creature - the monsturd. The creature goes on a killing spree, but local sheriff Duncan, and FBI agent Hannigan are on the case. Let's just hope they can get to the monsturd before it gets to the county chili cook off!

Monsturd is among the worst movies I have ever had the misfortune of viewing. Let's be honest, the title of the film is Monsturd. I had no business expecting anything more. A valiant effort perhaps, but this movie looks like it was put together with a handy cam and a budget of about $13.05. The acting is awful, there are no real special effects to speak of, and the dialogue is atrocious. Basically, what we have here is a 80 minute long poop joke. It's vile, it's repulsive, but it's also very boring, not particularly funny, and even less frightening. This movie is the shits.

0.5 giant doo doo's out of 5
Rated R for gross out humor and language.

Ban the Sadist Videos! (2005)

An in-depth analysis of the "Video Nasty" scandal of the early 1980s in Britain. 

Ban the Sadist Videos! explores the controversy surrounding so-called video nasties in 1980's England. Numerous films, including such notorious titles as I Spit on Your Grave, Cannibal Holocaust, Driller Killer, and The Evil Dead, were banned as obscene during a period of moral panic set off by right wing moralists with help from the corporate media.

Those guilty of producing such films could be subject to fines and/or jail time. Films were confiscated, censored, and banned outright. While some of the films, like Cannibal Holocaust or Cannibal Ferox, can hardly be anything but condemned for their misogyny,  racism, and animal cruelty, the documentary does expose the danger posed by allowing conservative religious zealots the power to decide what one may and may not watch. In their hysteria, films that were largely innocent by any standard were caught up mistakenly in the whirlwind. The Dolly Parton musical The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, for example, was confiscated in a raid on the mistaken presumption that it was pornographic.

The witch-hunt eventually subsided and many of the films were released either with cuts of without depending on the circumstances. Ban the Sadist Videos! is an interesting look at censorship in horror films from the perspectives of both its proponents and detractors.

3 nasties out of 5
Rated R. Contains violence, nudity, disturbing scenes.

Inception (2010)

The Dream is Real.

Dom Cobb is a thief. In fact, he's the best in the business. But he specializes in a new form of theft unlike anything before it; extraction. Dom steals peoples secrets, hidden deep in their subconscious, by infiltrating their dreams. His rare skill has opened the door to a lucrative, but dangerous, career in corporate espionage. But now he finds himself unable to return to his home country, the United States, for fear of arrest and prosecution on false charges of murder.

However, Dom has been given a second chance. A new job offer presents the possibility of having the charges disappear so that he may return to his country and his children. The catch is that he must carry out a nearly impossible extraction deep within the subconscious of a powerful corporate tycoon. He has a shot at redemption, but only if he can finish the job and make it out alive.

Inception is an intricate, complex, and fascinating movie with killer effects and cinematography. A sci-fi thriller with lots of action and a bit of mystery and drama to boot. It also has a good cast which includes Leonardo DiCaprio, Joseph Gordon-Leavitt, Ellen Page, Cillian Murphy, and Pete Postlethwaite amongst others. Viewers are coming to expect a lot when Christopher Nolan releases a film, but he keeps on delivering.

4 dreams within each other out of 5
Rated PG-13 for sequences of violence and action throughout.

Watch the Inception trailer.

The Host (2006)

Monsters are real.

The dirty environmental practices of a pharmaceutical company leads to the development of a horrendous mutation which lurks in and around the Han River in South Korea. The giant part-fish, part-amphibian beast launches an attack on a crowd of people along the river bank in search of food. The Park's, a family which runs a snack bar on the bank of the river, are caught up in the attack. The family's youngest member, Hyun-seo, is carried away by the creature.

The young girl is presumed dead. But when a late-night cell phone call indicates that she is still alive, the family becomes determined to rescue her at any cost. Spending all of their money on supplies, they escape from quarantine and begin to search for Hyun-seo while attempting to evade capture by the authorities, and by the strange mutant creature that is stalking the area.

You will read subtitles, and you will the like it. The Host is worth the effort. It's a modern monster movie with a touch of humour. But its really about the importance of family. It also includes some subtle, but interesting commentary on life in modern-day South Korea; for example the presence and authority of US military forces, the unresponsiveness of those in power to the needs of the people, and the danger to the environment which is faced by South Korea and, for that matter, the world. Plus a pretty cool looking monster and a strange and dynamic array of characters. Great movie.

9 squid legs out of 10
Rated R for creature violence and language.

Watch The Host trailer.

The Pool (2001)

Evil has surfaced. 

Twelve students from the International High School of Prague are planning the graduation party of their lives before they return to their home countries. They secretly organize the party to be held at the private water park, which they break into with the help of a friend.

But it may be the last party of their lives when a mysterious masked man begins knocking them off one by one. Nobody else knows they are there, the phone lines are cut, and they have been locked in. They search desperately for an escape route while growing increasingly steeped in paranoia that one of them must be the killer, and nobody can be trusted.

Writer/Director Boris von Sychowski's slasher flick The Pool brings together a variety of actors from around the world. Some of whom are better than others, and some of whom have since become relatively well known, such as James McAvoy and Isla Fisher.

It can rightly be critiqued for all of the usual slasher movie stereotypes. Then again, it is indeed a slasher movie... so why shouldn't it be? A group of "teenagers" are trapped in a secluded location where they get up to "no good" and end up stalked by a murderous lunatic.

But the important thing is that its fun to watch. Despite being a German film, its in English, which will please those who are too lazy to read subtitles. Plus its full of surprises and gore; enough to compete with the average North American slasher film, but at the same time little enough to avoid being categorized with the unfortunate trend of "torture porn". A good old-fashioned style slasher film that is well worth a watch, despite the villains tight leather pants.

4 water slide mishaps out of 5
Rated R for strong violence/gore, language, substance abuse and brief sexuality/nudity.

Watch The Pool trailer.

Children of Men (2006)

He must protect our only hope.

The year is 2027, Earth's youngest citizen has just died. He was 18 years old. For mysterious reasons, the human race has seemingly lost the ability to reproduce. Societies around the world have collapsed, sending refugees pouring into a fascistic England rampant with nationalistic, racist sentiment.

It's in this context that Theo, an ex-political activist turned bureaucrat finds himself trapped in a struggle to protect the one woman who holds the key to the future. Her name is Kee, and she is a pregnant African woman; the first hope of new birth which could save the human race from extinction.

He races to bring Kee to a mysterious organization called the Human Project, while dodging both the brutal authoritarian regime, and a band of radicals who aim to use the baby as inspiration for their cause, through conditions of civil war and upheaval.

Children of Men is an amazing movie if only for its cinematography. It's filmed brilliantly so that the viewer feels almost as though they are in the movie themselves. The acting is good too, and the plot is well thought out and interesting. Admittedly it is hard not to sympathies with the radical revolutionaries, even though they are painted as one of two groups of bad-guys. Considering the conditions under which they were living, their option seemed a bit more realistic than a somewhat Utopian and mysterious Human Project in a far off land. But then again, it's science fiction...

Still, one has to wonder how far off from reality this grim vision of the future could be considering the new diseases and disorders that come into existence every year; considering the things we are doing to ourselves and to our environment. Children of Men is a lot of fun to watch, but can also be a wake up call to a world that could be heading towards a species-threatening crisis of its own if todays practices go unchanged.

4 bankrupt condom companies out of 5
Rated R for strong violence, language, some drug use and brief nudity.

Watch the Children of Men trailer.

Beast from Haunted Cave (1959)

Horror Beyond Words!

A gangster by the name of Alexander Ward comes to South Dakota with his girlfriend, Gypsy Boulet, and a pair of dimwitted henchmen. They plan to steal several bars of gold while creating a diversion using an explosion in a near by mine. They enlist ski instructor Gil Jackson to take them on a guided tour of the area, planning to escape via helicopter once hidden deep within the mountainous surroundings.

But what they didn't count on was that their activities would awaken a sinister monster, somewhat akin to a gigantic spidery octopus type creature, which lived deep within the cavernous mine. Now the creature is out to get those who have disturbed its spidery octo-slumber.  Let's just call it an octo-spider. Spider-puss?

By today's standards, this is a cheese-ball movie with a cheese-ball monster, and cheese-ball effects. On the other hand, this movie is in black and white and was made in 1959, so its only fair to look at it in context rather than compare it to today's flashy big budget movies with their computer generated creatures.

Actually, Beast from Haunted Cave isn't such a bad movie at all. The acting and plot are decent and the monster has a definite charm that modern monster movies just don't have. It follows the usual, cookie-cutter pattern. The bad guys, who are clearly bad guys due to their general mean-spirited and nasty behavior, plus being racists and sexists to boot, get what they have coming to them. Meanwhile, the good guy gets the girl and lives happily ever after. Or at least we can assume they did... the movie ends incredibly abruptly. Maybe they get eaten by the octo-spider's monsters angry wife or husband on their way out of the cave. Or by a horde of little angry spider-puss babies. Either way, a kind of fun movie.

3.5 giant spider monsters out of 5Unrated, contains mild violence, language, and sexuality. 

Watch the Beast from Haunted Cave trailer. 

Last Woman on Earth (1960)

They fought for the Ultimate Prize! 

Evelyn, her husband Harold, and their friend Martin, are vacationing in Puerto Rico when an inconceivable event occurs. While they are scuba-diving, all the of the oxygen is somehow depleted from the atmosphere. They are saved only by the air tanks they were wearing while under water, but every one else on the island, and maybe even the planet, has perished.

The oxygen luckily returns; too late for most, but just in time for these three survivors. However, Harold and Martin soon begin to quarrel, and their living arrangement becomes strained.  They are on a dangerous road towards becoming engaged in a life or death struggle over Evelyn, the last woman on Earth.

The Last Woman on Earth follows a premise that has been used in many films since; something apocalyptic happens and we get to see how a small group of survivors make do afterwords. The only problem is that none of the characters in this movie are really all that captivating or interesting. Harold is a real ass hole, so its hard to root for him. Besides that, the whole premise is pretty stupid anyhow since its about two men fighting eventually to the death over a woman as if she is a prize to be won rather than a human being with a brain who can make the decision for herself. Plus you would hope that if there were three people left alive they would find a way not to end up killing each other off. You would hope.

The movie poster and DVD could lead one to believe that this movie is full of violence, sex, and nudity. Not the case. In fact this movie is pretty much kid safe. The violence is relegated more or less to the big fight at the end, and isn't particularly graphic. There's no actual sex or nudity shown. Instead this is a clever marketing tactic used to this day to sell movies with no real content or value with sex and violence.

Four years later The Last Man on Earth was produced, staring Vincent Price. This is actually the movie I had in mind when I picked this one up... but this isn't it. Perhaps that movie is more impressive, it wouldn't take a lot.

1.5 drawn out battles to the death out of 5

Not rated: Contains mild violence.

Watch the Last Woman on Earth trailer.

The Haunted World of El Superbeasto (2009)

With El Superbeasto, Rob Zombie presents something much different from his usual gore-infused slasher horrors. In this animated full length film, we follow Mexican wrestler El Superbeasto and his
sidekicks Suzi X and Murray the Robot in their adventures through Monsterland to battle the evil Dr. Satan.

Dr. Satan, who was tormented during high school with wedgies and other nasty treatment on the part of El Superbeasto, now has an evil plan to reap his revenge. All he has to do is find the woman with the mark of Satan, and marry her. If he can do this, he will obtain unimaginable powers.

Soon he finds the woman he is looking for; local stripper Velvet Von Black. He sends the reanimated corpse of King Kong to kidnap her and bring her to his lair. But Superbeasto is on his way to save the day, and so are his side kicks, once they fight their way through gangs of nazi zombies.

When I heard that Rob Zombie has released an animated movie I was unsure what to expect, but naturally I had to download it and find out. I wasn't too surprised by what I found. Neither, I suppose, should I have been.

El Superbeasto has some pretty funny moments. Some of the songs are great - like the nazi zombie song, and the Carrie song. It's kind of fun to watch how countless horror and sci-fi movie characters show up in cameo's and spoofs throughout the movie. It's kind of like a Where's Waldo of your favourite characters, even though almost none of them play any significant role in the film.

On the other hand it is also painfully stupid at times, and has several scenes that kind of feel like filler. Plus the plot is basically just a tool for carrying the viewer between scenes of almost constant female nudity and relatively consistent gore. I think the only scene in this movie where women aren't being objectified is the one where they are making fun of someone for pointing out that this is what is happening.

Anyhow, none of the characters feel particularly important because they aren't particularly dynamic or developed. Plus there are so many cartoon breasts that by the end of it you hardly notice it anymore and you are kind of just waiting for it to end because one scene of jiggly nakedness and blood splatters has just led to the next without much else to say for itself. Realistically, I think that's kind of what Rob Zombie was likely going for... in which case he hit the nail right on the head I guess.

1.5 "Why'd you have to rip of Carrie"'s out of 5
Rated R for strong crude and sexual content throughout, nude graphics, language, violence and gore.

Watch The Haunted World of El Superbeasto trailer.

I Spit On Your Grave (1978)

After it was all over... she waited... then she struck back in a way only a woman can!

A New York novelist, Jennifer, travels to the countryside to work on the manuscript of her new book. There she attracts the attention of four neanderthal degenerates. The gang has about as many brain cells between them as a toe nail clipping and are misogynist enough to make Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen look like a feminist club for men by comparison. They decide to attack and rape Jennifer, which they successfully achieve in one of the most infuriating scenes this reviewer has even watched. When they are done their dirty deeds they send one of their crew to return to the house and finish off Jennifer, whom they have beaten and left for dead. However, the spineless git hasn't got it in him to as much as touch her without his buddies egging him on, so he lies to them, claiming he has killed her, and they take off.

But Jennifer isn't dead at all. In fact, she soon begins to regain her strength, and prepare her revenge. Soon her attackers will each get what hey deserve, as she reduces them one by one to a pathetic, sniveling mass - terrified, helpless, and about to die.

I Spit On Your Grave, also known as Day of the Woman, has been attacked, condemned, and banned since its original release in the late 70's. As a result of its graphic and disturbing content it has been declared obscene. It has also been condemned as sexist.

Is it graphic, disturbing, and obscene? You bet. But it doesn't glorify rape, misogyny or violence against women. What makes this movie so troubling to people is that it depicts misogyny, sexism, and the violent results of such ideologies in an honest way - brutal, horrifying, cruel. Rape is constantly portrayed in pornography as erotic, yet these sexist propaganda films are not banned. It is bizarre, if not telling, therefore, that this movie was banned in numerous countries.

Jennifer, the movies victim turned hero, is not weak or helpless by nature but is simply overpowered and temporarily defeated. She is depicted as strong and intelligent throughout the movie, while her adversaries are depicted as lithesome, moronic, ingrates. It took four goons to do to her what she single-handedly did to each of them and in the end they each got their just deserts.

An alternate tag-line for the film was "This woman has just cut, chopped, broken and burned five men beyond recognition... but no jury in America would ever convict her!" All I have to say is amen to that. Most would agree that in an ideal world men and women would be equal and rape would be a thing of the past. But until that time comes the punishment should fit the crime. This woman deserves a medal, not a sentence.

4 castrations out of 5
Rated R for violence, sexual content, nudity, disturbing scenes, language.

Watch the I Spit On Your Grave trailer.